Why Did Headlines Ask if You Were Going to Eat That?
No Reason...

I Won't Believe It's A Thing Until Your Vacuum Cleaner Can Sue For Palimony

"WHEN SEXUAL IDENTITY EXPANDS TO INCLUDE ROBOTS
In real life, pioneers of human-android romance now have a name - 'digisexuals.' But this new identity also may turn out to be as messy and complicated as traditional sex" - Toronto Star

Difficult: The Pot Will Be Much Smaller By The Time Britain Is Through

"Dear Britain: Brexit, or get off the pot" - Globe and Mail

I Hope They Have A Big Supply Of Visine...

"All eyes on Tories for alternatives to Liberal carbon tax" - Toronto Star

What Does Our Panel Of The Usual Suspects Think?

"Let's hear from more diverse voices" - Globe and Mail

Priorities

"Jobs at risk if single sports betting not legalized" - Toronto Sun

 "Ontario plans to axe 3,475 teaching jobs" - Toronto Star

Is Having Grade 12 Students Learn Their ABCs Really Going To Help Them?

"Ford says education getting 'back to basics'" - Toronto Star

 Roller Skates, Actually
Why, What Did You Think You Were Going To Get?

"It's not retirement, it's a new life on wheels" - Globe and Mail

Take It Off And Keep It In A Jar In The Freezer Until Summer?

"WHAT TO DO WITH WINTER-WEARY SKIN" - Toronto Sun

Because Where Betting On Winners!

"Five major market-movers from 2018 and we're they're headed now" - Globe and Mail

But, My Losing Strategy Feels So...Comfortable

"It's time to develop a winning strategy" - Toronto Star

Could The US Leaving A Nuclear Agreement With Russia Have Something To Do With - Naah! That Would Just Be Paranoid!

"The internet has made nuclear war thinkable - again" - Globe and Mail

I Couldn't Go To The Front, I...I Had Bone Spurs...

"Green bin foiled again at hands of trash panda
30-second victory gives masked bandits leg up in 'Great Raccoon War'" - Toronto Star

Henh Henh - You Said "Butts!"

"Butts resigns as Trudeau's top aide" - Globe and Mail

Great Headlines Despite The Contradictions

"Oil-field service giants miss earnings forecasts despite soaring U.S. production" - Globe and Mail

 "Economy shows signs of slowing despite strong data" - Globe and Mail

 "Barnes & Noble trims losses despite weaker sales" - Toronto Star

 "Illicit cannabis shops are still doing brisk business
A month after legalization, the black market persists despite police raids and government warnings to wind down operations" - Globe and Mail

 "There is plenty of reason to be optimistic despite the market's downturn" - Globe and Mail

Better Not Poke Them With A Stick...

"Chrissy Teigen battling butt hives" - Toronto Sun

Spielberg Has The Rights To The Horror Movie

"In Spain, the Middle Class is Shrinking" - New York Times

Which, For Them, Is Right On Schedule

"Bombardier misses deadline for Crosstown LRT vehicles" - Toronto Star

Sure, They Should Have Done It BEFORE Announcing The Policy, But, Honestly, They're Going To Ignore The Input Anyway, So The Timing Isn't Really That Important

"Ontario to query schools on effects of autism program" - Globe and Mail

"If That Is So, Why Am I Paying $1,500 For A Chicken Dinner I Can Get For 15 Bucks At Swiss Chalet?" Lobbyists Wonder

"Ford says lobbyists won't sway him" - Toronto Star

And, They Have The Forkitude To Pull It Off

"Shipping containers to house Fork York market" - Globe and Mail

Were Any Of Them Wearing Hijabs?

"Legault seeks to clarify Islamophobia comments
Quebec Premier says ' there is no trend, no culture' of such discrimination in the province, while leaders condemn remarks" - Globe and Mail

"I Didn't Even Realize A Duel Was Taking Place!" He Insists

"Second charged in naval leak case" - Toronto Star

Not Even If It's A Buck A Bottle?

"Warren won't defeat the GOP with beer" - Toronto Star

But...But...But Decades Of Cultural Messaging Has Made Me Not Want To!

"You must discuss what happened in Vegas" - Toronto Star

As Long As It's Equally Sedatative, Everything Should Be Fine

"Warning to investors: Powell is no Greenspan
Despite the similarities, Jerome Powell's Federal Reserve will be less accommodative" - Toronto Star

Trying Looking In A Neighbourhood In Paris

"Ottawa probes abscondment of Saudi facing assault charges" - Globe and Mail

Prime Ministers Are So Adorable At That Age, Aren't They?

"Trudeau asks Trump to help secure release of Canadians in China
PM urges president to avoid politicizing case of Huawei exec wanted for extradition to U.S." - Toronto Star

As Long As The Incentivized Jargonization Continues, Senior Management Will be Bulletproof

"Barrick Gold reports loss with restructuring underway
Focus going forward will be prioritizing top tier assets as it boosts efficiencies" - Toronto Star

Should Never Have Gone For Five Clubs When Three No Trump Was Cold

"Company could face charges over bridge contract" - Toronto Star