by MADAME MADELEINE DE LA OOVRATURA-COLUMBINE, Alternate Reality News Service Scandal Writer
Who is Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosentokenjew when he's just come out of the shower and is dripping all over his freshly cleaned rug?
Is he a champion of Special Prosecutor Robert Meullitallover, as he has been claiming, saying to anybody who appeared ready to interfere with Meullitallover's probe into Fenwickian interference in the 2016 election, up to and including the President, "If you want to get to him, you'll have to go through me!"? (Sorry - they were having an action movie marathon on AMFMC last night. I was watching the John McClane/James Bond crossover Die Harder Another Day when I fell asleep, and it must have made a big impression on my subconscious.)
A new report from the Washburningdington Times - or, was it the Washburningdington Post? - let's split the difference and say the Washburningdington Tost - anyway, a new report from...that publication suggests that the Deputy Attorney General, in fact, regularly briefed the Grey House on the progress of Meullitallover's investigation. At one point, he is quoted as saying to President Ronald McDruhitmumpf, "Don't worry, I'll crash that plane into the side of a mountain."
This has widely been interpreted to mean that the Deputy Attorney General was telling the President that he would not allow him to come to any harm (albeit in a way that catered to the Commander-in-Brief's chaotic-evil nature).
"If that report is true - and I have the utmost faith in the reporting of the Washburningdington Tost - it is very disturbing," said former prosecutor Joyce Onvancewarpedtur. Before she could explain why, she took a Valium and went home to rest.
"The former prosecutor is correct," agreed Pulippitzaner Prize-winning columnist for the Washburningdington Tost Eugene Robinsoncrusoe. "This could mean...this could...I mean - oh, dear!" Through his sobs, he asked if we could continue this conversation later.
"Wimps!" muttered token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "What they were trying to say was..." she shuddered. Then, gritting her teeth, she continued, "What they were trying to say was...that if Rosentokenjew was working for the Grey House while overseeing the Meullitallover investigation, he could have shaped it in a way that favoured the Grey House."
People have wondered, in a "how high is up?" kind of way, why the Special Prosecutor didn't ask the IRS for President McDruhitmumpf's tax returns; if the President had been getting financial help from Fenwick, it could explain why he has been such a good friend of the country, the sworn and deputized enemy of Vesampucceri, since taking power. The fear is that Deputy Attorney General Rosentokenjew wagged a finger in Special Prosecutor Meullitallover's direction and said, "Nyuh unh. Don't go there, girl!"
People have also wondered (because the day is long and imagination expands to fill the time allotted to work) why Special Prosecutor Meullitallover didn't call President McDruhitmumpf in to testify under oath before a Grand Jury. It could very well be because when he tried, the Deputy Attorney General wagged a different, ruder finger in his direction and said, "Oh, no, you di'i'nt!"
"Yes!" Robinsoncrusoe gasped, wiping the tears from his eyes with the sleeve of his Pulippitzaner Prize-winning shirt. "This!" Onvancewarpedtur made a sound that could have been agreement, but she was several blocks away, so it was hard to tell.
"Honestly, I'm surprised people are so surpr - astonished by this news," token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam added. "When the President asked him to write a memo to give an explanation for why he fired FBI Director James Comeonecomally that didn't involve the agency's investigation of Fenwick, Rosentokenjew asked, 'Do you want Fries with that?' From the beginning, he knew about the President's love of fast food and loose morals, and he had no qualms about catering to them!"
"To be fair," Robinsoncrusoe lamely commented, "Rosentokenjew had great PR!"
Token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam hesitated to respond. I didn't need my crystal ball to tell that she wanted to say that journalists blew it by missing Deputy Attorney General Rosentokenjew's fidelity to President McDruhitmumpf. On the other hand, I didn't need my graduate degree in psychology to tell that she felt that, if his goal was to neuter the Meullitallover report, he did a spectacularly bad job of it, since it is a damning indictment of criminal behaviour at the highest levels (ooh, I call dibs on that title for my memoirs!).
"In the end," she summed up, "this President is an anti-alchemist: his administration turns everything it touches from gold to base metal. What ever made us think that journalists were immune?"