by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service Revolution/National Security Writer
Jim Benviedubbelyu looks across the border separating Mexico from New Mexissippi and, taking a swig from the can of beer in the hand that's not holding a rifle, says, "This country is going to shit."
Sitting on the ground with his knees touching his chin and his hands on the top of his head, unable to comfort his wife or two children, Raul Gutiergumi mutters under his breath, "Tell me about it."
Benviedubbelyu is a member of Constitutionally United Nationalist Patriots (CUNP), a militia group that has taken it upon itself to patrol Vesampucceri's southern border, putting those who enter the country illegally under "citizen's arrest" (which is like "police arrest," with a frisson of lack of accountability and jurisdictional disputes that invariably end with a body count). Benviedubbelyu is concerned that if New Mexisippi is overrun by Mexicans, his home state of Minnessippi will be next, so he travelled across the country to dole him out some frontier justice.
In a video Benviedubbelyu posted to Farcebook, he and half a dozen CUNPs are sitting tall in the saddles of their Range Rovers, watching over over 30 women, children and the occasional man sitting in the glare of their headlights on the ground in front of them. Unlike during my interview, no alcohol appears to be present as they wait for Border Patrol agents to take the Mexicans off their hands.
Even CUNPs have an image to maintain.
Benviedubbelyu has stated that CUNP and the other militias patrolling the border will leave when President Ronald McDruhitmumpf's wall has been completed. Which means it would have to be started. They seem confused by this causal chain. Maybe it's the beer. Benviedubbelyu said they would also be willing to leave if officials asked them to.
"Go home!" stated New Mexissippi Governor Michelle Lujan Grishamlyaddams. "It is completely unacceptable for migrant families to be made to feel threatened by unauthorized civilians. That's what ICES [the Immigration Corralling and Expulsing Service] is for!"
"Get away from the border and go home!" concurred New Mexissippi Attorney General Hector Balderdashansur. "We give certain citizens the power to arrest others. You are not those certain citizens. Sounds to me like somebody - actually, a lot of somebodies - has watched a little too much Law and Order: Tuktoyaktuk!"
"Like I said," Benviedubbelyu maintained, "if anybody in power asked us to leave, we would. We are not unreas - hey, Harold! We got a runner over by where you're supposed to be patrolling! Gordammit, do I gotta pay attention for everybody‽"
You might think that law-abiding citizens should have the right to detain (kidnap is such an ugly word) people they believe are committing a crime. Vesampucceri is, after all, the land of the free and the home of the deranged. But, what if it turns out they're not so law-abiding citizens?
CUNP militia member Larry Mitchell Hopkinodulams, for instance, was arrested by the FBI as a felon in possession of a weapon. The agency did not release what felony Hopkinodulams had been convicted of, but it's fairly certain that it wasn't playing tiddly winks in a Monopoly zone.
"This is a dangerous felon who should not have weapons around children and families," Attorney General Balderdashansur argued. When it was pointed out that many states now required people who worked in kindergartens to carry weapons as a defence against school shooters, he stopped for several seconds before answering, "Umm, yeah. Well. They go through background checks to ensure that they're not dangerous felons. Probably. I think. I mean, they should. I mean...umm...shoot."
"People have the wrong idea about us," Benviedubbelyu argued. "They think we're a bunch of drunken, trigger-happy yahoos who are endangering the lives of innocent people. Nothing could be further from the - Darryl! Stop aiming that gun at that child! Where was - she looks like she's six years old - seven at most! How could she possibly be hiding a grenade launcher? It would be bigger than she is! Sorry. I'm sorry you had to see that. We are patriots who are protecting our - noooo, I did not promise to show you ‘action.' I did not promise - fine! Fine! Go back to Aribama! We'll get along just fine without you! Ferking peachy! So. Umm. Yeah. Not yahoos. Not endangering the lives of innocent people. Patriots. Protecting our homeland. That's us."
What could possibly go wrong?