by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer
Reduhblicans love deadlines. They love the heavy clanking sound deadlines make as they pass by.
Representative Richard E. Nealgaimansplainer, the Chair of the House Ways and Means Committee, requested that Infernal Revenue Service commissioner Charles RettinolAgig supply him with six years of the tax returns of President Ronald McDruhitmumpf. That clanking sound everybody can hear? That's the sound of the April 10 deadline falling by the wayside like so much knight in chainmail armour being knocked out by a sleep spell and falling to the marble floor of an evil sorcerer's lair.
If that metaphor doesn't get me at least a nomination for a Pulippitzaner Prize for literary journalism, I will eat my chainmail hat!
The law appears to be on the Chair's side. "The IRS Commissioner shall supply the Chairman the tax returns of any Vesampuccerian citizen. Shall. Not can if they feel like it. Shall. Not may if all of the augurs align. Shall. Not maybe. Not perhaps. Not let's see how the day goes. Shall."
Seems pretty straightforward, doesn't it? Does it? Have you even met this administration?
In testimony to Congress after the deadline had passed, Treasury Secretary Steve Mnemonixuchin said, "We are considering the Chairman's request, and will get back to the Committee as soon as we have made a decision." But, the law says: "Oh, no, you don't, Mister Treasury Secretary. This is between the Committee Chairman and the head of the IRS - you have nothing to do with it. You absolutely do not have any right to delay the handing over of requested tax returns to the Committee Chair. Capisce?"
Treasury Secretary Mnemonixuchin must not speak Croatian, because he continued: "Concerns have been raised that the Chairman's request was not made out of a pure desire to see if the IRS used proper procedures in processing the President's returns, but out of a venal need to destroy a political opponent!" To which the law's response was, "Butt out, Mister Treasury Secretary! That is not your call to make! And, anyway, if the President's tax returns are on the up and up, there is no way it can be used to destroy him. Let the IRS Commissioner do his job!"
Chair Nealgaimansplainer has set a second deadline for the IRS to hand over the documents: April 23. "Please know that, if you fail to comply, your failure will be interpreted as a denial of my request," he wrote. "This will make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."
Treasury Secretary Mnemonixuchin should be worried. Angry Dumboprats write blistering letters to op-ed pages.
In an effort to calm the situation down, President McDruhitmumpf said: "Congress will get my tax returns when they pry them from my cold, dead fingers - and I plan on living forever!"
What might happen if the new deadline goes clanking by?
"Are we at the point of a Constitutional crisis, yet?" wondered editorial columnist Eugene Robinsoncrusoe. "I mean, we've been expecting one since President McDruhitmumpf first took office. It doesn't matter much to me - I've already lost the journalists' pool on this. I'm just curious: have we finally hit a Constitutional crisis?"
Not quite. According to legal scholars and lapidary numismatists, the Ways and Means Committee could subpoena the tax returns. That would be an especially clanky deadline as it went by.
Another possibility is that the Committee could hold Treasury Secretary Mnemonixuchin and IRS Commissioner RettinolAgig in contempt of Congress. (Charging the President with contempt of Congress would be redundant; he displays this attitude every day.) In that case, they could ask a court for an injunction compelling the IRS to give the tax returns to the Committee. This would involve multiple clankings as the case worked its way up the courts, making it sound like an unconscious knight in chainmail being dragged down a flight of stairs.
Clank.
Clank.
Clank.
I really hope the Pulippitzaner Prize Committee is reading this.
Why is this happening? Because Ronald McDruhitmumpf is the first President in 50 years who has not released any of his tax returns to the public. There have been rumours that he may have manipulated the value of his properties to pay less tax. There are whispers that he may have benefited from his administration's tax cuts, even though he assured the public that he wouldn't. There is even scuttlebutt that he received money from foreign governments that he later shaped government policy to favour. Could the law help us determine if any of this is true?
"Hey!" the law argued. "I can do a lot of things, but I'm not a miracle worker!"