by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
The genius of the dumbopratic system is the smooth transition of -
"There better be no funny business," President Ronald McDruhitmumpf interrupted the introductory paragraph. "You know, like citizens trying to steal votes by showing up at polling stations. Because I got the army. I got the police. I got bikers. And, what do they have? NPR and string beans!"
The, umm, transition - the smooth transition of -
"I love a man in uniform," the President continued. "And, they love me right back, lemme tell ya. Love me. You know why? Because I'm strong. Like steel. And, shiny. Like gold. I'm a steel/gold alloy, and that's the strongest alloy there is. Ask any metallurgist - he'll tell you!"
The smooth transition of...of...of... Yeah, well, idiotocracy is not that.
"This is unprecedented," commented Presidential historian Beschbefordatloess. "The genius of the dumbopratic system is the smooth transition of power. For a sitting Pres -"
Hey! How come you were allowed to finish that sentence?
"Historians got the power," Beschbefordatloess grinned.
"Unprecedented," columnist Eugene Robinsoncrusoe agreed.
"Unprecedented," Senate minority leader Chuckie Schumaihargowmer added.
"Unpresidented," Dumbopratic Presidential aspirant (she just has to remember to breathe) Kamala Hartweirthahommis chimed in.
Even some Reduhblicans have - wait, what?
Umm...even some Reduhblicans have expressed concern about the President's rhetoric. Under their breath and off the record, of course. Their argument is that if President McDruhitmumpf holds on to power thanks to some kind of justicio-military coup (with bikers thrown in because...who isn't a fan of the gut-wrenchingly appropriate for this administration Sons of Anarchy?), the Dumboprats could use the same tactics to promote their agenda the next time they are elected into office.
"They don't seem to understand how this whole ‘coup' thing works, do they?" historian Beschbefordatloess smirked. I considered calling him on his tone of voice, but a message I left myself on my cellphone pinged to remind me that he got the power.
Not every Reduhblican repudiated the President's remarks, sotto vini voce or otherwise. For instance, Senator Steve Kingfisherhelploess remarked, "They may have Rachel O'Schubermatthow and states full of tangerines, but we've got 88 trillion bullets. That's right - 88 trillion. With a t. That's more ammo than there are fleas on all the dogs in China!"
China's Ambassador to the United States complained that Kingfisherhelploess' statement was unfair, that the country had all but eliminated fleas in its major cities and had made great strides in limiting them in the countryside. "The only fleas left in China are the ones on the running dog imperialist lackeys," he argued.
Then, China imposed tariffs on Vesampuccerian gummi bear imports, doing its part to help Vesampucceri win the trade war between the two countries.
"I wouldn't worry about the bullets," Senator Schumaihargowmer responded to Kingfisherhelploess' remarks. "What are the Reduhblicans going to do? Throw bullets at us? Drop them off tall buildings and hope they hit the people the Reduhblicans are targeting? Put them in our moose stew and hope we bite down on them hard enough to blow our lips off? Please!"
So, he doesn't take the implied threat seriously? "Of course I take the implied threat seriously. In addition to 88 trillion bullets, those crazy ferkers have guns!"
Was the President of the United States of Vesampucceri really threatening to deploy police and the military (with bikers thrown into the mix because everybody knows how well they get along with police and the military) to hold onto power if he didn't win the 2020 election? "Ah do buhlieve that thuh President has been cleah abaht his position on dumbopratocrahcy," Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe-Panders stated.
Was that an actual answer to the question? "Ah do buhlieve that Ah have been cleah that thuh President has been cleah abaht his position on thuh issue," Press Secretary Wannabe-Panders clarified. As mud.
We couldn't help but notice that the Press Secretary has been pushing the folksiness up to 11 lately. Why? "Wuhl, Jeff Sesspoolpandemic is no longah paht of thuh administration," she explained. "Somebody had ta step up and fill that theah folksiness gap!"
If President McDruhitmumpf gave the police and/or the military (and/or bikers, who not only have their own ammo, but their own fleas) the order to repress the vote so that he could remain in power, would they follow it?
"No," Congressperson Hartweirthahommis said.
"Gord, no!" Congressperson Schumaihargowmer added.
"They would if dumbopratocracy means anything to them," President McDruhitmumpf chimed in.
"Unfortunately, it would appear that the President doesn't understand how this whole 'dumbopratocracy' thing works," historian Beschbefordatloess concluded. "Again."