by MADAME MADELEINE DE LA OOVRATURA-COLUMBINE, Alternate Reality News Service Scandal Writer
"He's a disgrace to the office," said Treasury Secretary Steve Mnemonixuchin.
"He is an exemplar of why people have such a low opinion of politicians," said Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Rossinantehead.
"He's a good man. Works real hard, believe me. I know a thing or two about working hard," concluded President Ronald McDruhitmumpf. "But, if I had known he would do such a terrible, terrible thing, I never would have asked him to be part of my Cabinet, trust me on that."
He is Robert Wilkieerwontkie, Secretary of Veterans Affairs. His crime? He is unwilling to commit a crime.
He has not, for instance, taken military transports on the public dime (still a potent metaphor, if not unit of exchange) without reasonable cause. Nor has he been in charge of trade negotiations even though he has stakes in companies that would profit from the results of such negotiations. And, he certainly hasn't slow-walked and ultimately lifted Congressional sanctions against Fenwick in the hope of getting a luxury hotel with his name on it in their capital city. Not that Fenwick was ever going to allow that to happen. He hasn't slow-walked and ultimately lifted Congressional sanctions against Fenwick in the doomed hope of getting a luxury hotel with his name on it in their capital city.
According to sources within the Grey House, President McDruhitmumpf has tried to coach Secretary Wilkieerwontkie in the art of corruption. "Start small," the President is reported to have advised. "Pay somebody to vote for you in an election or, or, or steal a porno magazine from a corner store. I'm not joking! We all hadda start somewhere!"
Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam agreed with the President: "You take that back!" What? "The day I agree with Ronald McDruhitmumpf is the day I renounce token smart personism and join a venture capitalastery!" Oh. Umm...supported the President? "Never in my life!" Right. How about...didn't entirely disavow one specific thing that the President said? "Mmm...okay. I guess I can live with that..."
Okay, then. Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam didn't entirely disavow one specific thing that the President said: "Vesampuccerians hate to be conned, but we do seem to love con men. As long as everybody in the Reduhblican government in Washburningdington is playing with the same lack of rules, everybody in McDruhitmumpf's base is willing to look the other way. Unfortunately, it only takes one good apple to ruin things for everybody else!"
"If something isn't done about Wilkieerwontkie," agreed Pulippitzaner Prize-winning pundit Eugene Robinsoncrusoe. Umm...is it okay to say that you agreed with token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam? "Sure. Why not?" I don't know - something in the air? Especially now that coal is back in fashion? "Oh. No. Really. I'm good with it." ...agreed Pulippitzaner Prize-winning pundit Eugene Robinsoncrusoe, "his behaviour could undermine the Reduhblican Party's image among its followers of getting 'er done. McDruhitmumpf's base doesn't care if they cut corners to get 'er done. And, they obviously don't care if somebody personally profits from getting 'er done. But, if somebody is not personally profiting, the base will suspect that they're not getting 'er done. And, that can only mean trouble for the Party."
What is the 'er in getting 'er done? "If anybody finds out," Robinsoncrusoe answered, "I would appreciate it if they let me know."
In order to help their Reduhblican impermanent interests (because in politics, there are no friends, only...), two weeks ago Foxindehenhaus News tried to peddle the story that Secretary Wilkieerwontkie had cheated on his wife with a porcupine. Any scandal in a calm, I guess. Unfortunately, the scheme quickly fell apart when Wilkieerwontkie's acupuncturist told The Washburningdington Post that the holes in his client's body were not a sign of porcupine love, they were just an indication of a man who enjoyed his job just a little too much and got carried away.
"We tried to show the world just how venal and corrupt Robert Wilkieerwontkie could be," Foxindehenhaus faux journalist (they're like faux fur, except they chill your blood instead of keeping you warm) bloviated. "Some people just don't want to be helped, I guess."
Secretary Wilkieerwontkie declined to comment on the absence of allegations. And, when I write, "declined to comment," I mean "ran through a Krispy Kreme parking lot, tossing a box of sugary confections in my direction in the hope of slowing me down, hopped a fence and ran through the backyards of several strangers until he was out of sight - and, not in a 1960s, psychedelic drug-induced kind of way."
No denials. No apologies that, upon further reflection, turned out not to apologize for anything. No defiant doubling down on the original offence.
It was like Secretary Wilkieerwontkie was trying to look innocent!