by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service People Writer
Wednesday could be the day that Rudy Giulihooeyboi, the TV talking jowls that claim to be President Ronald McDruhitmumpf's lawyer, lost it. I mean, completely lost it. Without hope of ever finding it again.
"Collusion? Please! Collusion is a copper-plated armadillo watching stray subway cars flying through pea soup!" he said. Very excitedly. On national television. "Let me - let me - let me - let me - arowwf! - let me tell you: I never denied that the McDruhitmumpf campaign colluded with copper-plated Fenwickians! Who am I? The campaign's lawyer? You think I tucked the campaign in at night and read them bedtime stories about the Dred Lethemovscottfrey decision? Are you wacky? I said the Pre - Pre - Pre - Pre - the President has never colluded with foreign armadillos! The President! That is all!"
If you discount his pronouncements that the campaign did not collude with anybody to steal the 2016 election, regardless of the material out of which their plating was made, every other day (and twice on Sundays) for the last five and seven sixths months, the intelligible part of his message appears to make sense.
It's the unintelligible part that worries people.
"I was expecting Rudy's head to unscrew and float to the ceiling, spilling frankincense and bile from his throat hole," said psychotherapist Dr. Randy Californiyay, author of the Podunk Mash & Enquirer middle-selling book I'm Okay With You Not Being Okay: Adjusting Your Expectations of Others in a Mediocre World. "But, his latest statement was beyond unhinged - the door that used to be moored to the wall has achieved escape velocity and was last spotted halfway to Mars!"
There had been indications that a meltdown was imminent. Last week, for instance, Giulihooeyboi compared Special Prosecutor Robert Meullitallover to a sugary cereal in a bowl full of diesel oil instead of milk. Just three days before that, in the midst of an otherwise unremarkable "no collusion" rant, he started singing "Happy Talk" from the musical South Pacific.
"He had a better voice when he was a prosecutor in New Yoricknuhemwell," Dr. Californiyay pronounced. Because everybody's a critic. "His performance as Edith in The Pirates of Penzance was instrumental in getting drug dealer Pablo Nerescobarda sent away for life. But, uhh, that was a long time ago..."
"Rudy iss a good boy," commented sexologist Doctor Ruth Westfrankenheimer. "A real zweetheart. But, he iss obvioussly zexually frusstrated." Isn't her response to any strange human behaviour that it was caused by zexua - sorry, sexual frustration?"
"You have a better eggssplanation?"
I don't. Thank you for pointing out my inadequacy.
But, political analyst Richard O'Landscapainter, vice-chairman of Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washburningdington, Seriously (CREWS) might. "Have you ever noticed," he asked, "that Giulihooeyboi is at his weirdest the day before something really terrible about his client is about to be made public? Like, that time he said that the McDruhitmumpf administration had nothing to do with fault lines in Japan the day before the Osaka earthquake hit? Come on, people! This was a 5.5 - the continental shelf was really shaking its booty on that day! I'm telling you, whatever Giulihooeyboi claims one day comes true the next! It's spooky, people!"
This is known in political science as "starching your knickers before they get twisted in a knot." The basic idea is - no, wait, that is not what the phenomenon is called. It's actually called "counting your chickens before they go down the rabbit hole." Or, possibly "the memory hole." Or, even more possibly, something that doesn't involve holes at all. Whatever the actual name for it is, the basic idea is to spin information before it is made public in order to blunt any negative response people might -
"You know," O'Landscapainter interjected, "IIIIIIII don't think chickens are involved in that process. Not at all. Not even a little bit."
"Ozzer zan zat, he could be haffing zexual difficultiess, too," Dr. Ruth argued. "Ze two eggssplanationss are not mutually exclusif."
"I am not having difficulties, zexual, sexual or Zoroastriational!" Giulihooeyboi retorted. "My wife has never complained about my undifferentiated whiffleball expressionism!"
Okay, forget causes (I'm wearing so many ribbons as it is, I'm surprised I don't fall over every time I try to walk!); what about effects? Giulihooeyboi's appearances in the media are supposed to benefit the President. Do they?"
"Yes," said Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe-Panders.
"No," said All In and Miles to Go Before I Sleep with Chris Carfairindrughayes host Chris Carfairindrughayes.
"Are you haffing difficultiess in your marriage?" asked Dr. Ruth. "Tell me everyzing..."