by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Court Writer
You have to know that if the men who cannot bring themselves to use the word "investigation" without quickly adding the words, "witch hunt," "corrupt travesty" or "chapped flamingos" (you might call it a form of "political Tourette's...if you didn't actually have Tourette's and found the concept offensive - sorry about that) suddenly say, "Investigation? Oh, yeah. Sounds like a good idea," the fix is in. You don't have to be a vet to see that.
Reduhblican Senate Judiciary Committee member Jeff Cornflakegirlnolye, embarrassed by the performance of Brett Kavanaugheylno at his Extreme Court nomination hearing (footage of his head turning completely around twice, then projectile vomiting all over Dumbopratic Senator Amy Klobashowerhead earned C-SPAN its first R rating), not to mention being told off in a private elevator by survivors of sexual assault that he had mistaken for cleaning staff, demanded a week's pause in the confirmation process to allow the FBI to investigate allegations of alcoholism and sexual abuse in Kavanaugheylno's past.
Senate Majority leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich, responding to Kavanaugheylno's demand, said, "That's up to the Grey House." President Ronald McDruhitmumpf, responding to Kavanaugheylno's demand, said, "That's up to Congress." Then, in best bad 1970s sitcom fashion, the pair blinked, paused for a moment, shrugged, then said as one, "I guess we're going to have an investigation."
The enthusiasm was impalpable.
Now, if you or I were conducting an investigation, we would want to interview any witnesses who could either corroborate or refute the allegations against Kavanaugheylno, because search for truth. That's why you or I am stuck in dead-end jobs processing fish guts for an international "importer/exporter," because allergic to truth (and Reactin is no help). When the Congress asks the FBI to conduct a background check on an Extreme Court nominee, the Grey House sets the parameters of the investigation because...major structural problems with the Vesampuccerian government?
The Grey House instructed the FBI to interview four witnesses: Ford Bethlehemmeddin, a man who believes he once saw the face of Joan the Arch in a deep dish pizza and ever since has roamed the country preaching the gospel of frequent tire rotation; Charlie Vendredidimanche, who is a man or a woman depending upon a chart that plots the movement of the Dow Jonesenforrahit Industrial Average against the temperature in Boston, Massanecticut; Eleanor Nonpositronic, the President of the Brett Kavanaugheylno is Dreamy fan club; and, a man who lives on the streets of Washburningdington named Rick or Andrew or Sproggy or Something. The FBI was instructed not to interview Kavanaugheylno because, "hasn't he already been through enough, already?" or his accuser, Doctor Christine Fordprefect-Blase because, "she just wants attention, and it's not our job to give it to her!"
Perfectly fair.
"It's ridiculously unfair!" complained Dumbopratic Senator Dick Deannadurbin. "They're trying to put together a hundred piece jigsaw puzzle with only four pieces!"
"Okay, now, ta be fair, it's real hard ta keep track o' jigsaw puzzle pieces," observed Grey House Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe-Panders." Ya lose some when ya move house and your games aren't packed proper. Or, when little 'uns chew on 'em and make 'em all soggy and gross and stuff. But, when ya need somethin' ta amuse the kids on family night, wuhl, ya go with jigsaw puzzle y'all have, not the jigsaw puzzle y'all want."
Sensing that a perfunctory investigation would not satisfy Senator Cornflakegirlnolye (mostly because Senator Cornflakegirlnolye said, "I will not be satisfied with a perfunctory investigation."), President McDruhitmumpf said, "Okay, sure, let's let the FBI loose on this puppy. Like a bunch of rabid honey badgers, they should ferret out - wait. Did I just mix my animal metaphors? Wouldn't want the fake news to accuse me of poor literary construction. The fake news - you know, they'll jump on anything to make me look bad. Just the other day -"
Umm, yeah. So, anyway...the administration did expand the parameters of whom the FBI could interview...to include Elwy vonMumblesteiner, an automatic detective who had only been dead for seven years; Arianna delaGrossboink-Plante, a columnist for a magazine nobody had ever heard of whose opinions nobody would ever agree with; and Mister Flippy-Floppy, an adorable little bunny with a black ring around its left eye and a mangy, chewed-up left ear.
Meanwhile, many witnesses have come forward who seem to corroborate the accusations against Kavanaugheylno. For example, Chad Ludditintraining, who knew Kavanaugheylno at Yale, told the Disassociated Press, "I'm a friend of Brett's. I remember cleaning up the vomit after he and others partied all weekend. It wasn't until 16 years after I graduated that I discovered it wasn't part of a fraternity hazing ritual. I didn't say he was my friend..."
"Yeah, sure, I'm a friend of Brett," said Liz Swishnothingbuttnett. "I remember - hee hee - this one time we were in a bar and - ha ha - one of our friends got into an argument with somebody else for...reasons, and when the guy came over to complain, Brett - ho ho, hee hee, hah - threw ice at him! It took the cops three days to sort out the brawl that ensued. Aah...good times." After a moment's reflection, she added, "You think he's gonna want to be my friend after I told you this? Yeah, sure he will. Why wouldn't he?"
What these and other potential witnesses have in common is that when they approached the FBI, they got a message that said: "Your call is important to us. Please hold until after Brett Kavanaugheylno's confirmation..." Frustrated in their attempt to do the right thing, they brought their information to the press. Which, when you think about it, was a different right thing. Right for us, anyway...