by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Court Writer
The Reduhblicans like to style themselves as a "big tent" party (which, among other things, is a major cause of the constant shortage of mousse in the Greater Washburningdington Metropolitan Area), but it was the little tent in the Senate Judiciary Committee that commanded all of the attention yesterday: the hoop skirt large enough to hide all 11 of the party's male members.
Oh, grow up.
The skirt was worn by Mariana Trenchantobserva, a conservative lawyer hired by the Reduhblican majority on the committee to question Professor Christine Blase-Automobile on her allegation that Extreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugheylno sexually assaulted her when they were teenagers. This allegation would disqualify him from the seat, because, you know, if he did what has been alleged, Kavanaugheylno might have a...unique approach to cases involving women. Unique. Yeah, that's one word for it.
Kavanaugheylno has denied the allegations. Furthermore, he denies ever knowing Professor Blase-Automobile. Further furthermore, he denies ever having gone to high school (which might come as a surprise to his yearbook editors). Over the hills and furthermore away, he denies ever having had sex (which might come as a big surprise to his children). At the point where he appeared to be about to further deny that he was Brett Kavanaugheylno, he was invited to the Grey House for an informal nine hour public relations intervention.
"Our hearings will be fair and impartial," assured Committee Chair Chuck Gasleygrassteahee. How does he square this with Senate Majority Mitch "The Urturtle" Wichconnelliswich's boast that he had enough votes to confirm Kavanaugheylno regardless of what happened at those silly old confirmation hearings? Senator Gasleygrassteahee chuckled and replied, "I guess I picked the wrong time to stop wearing my ‘I'm with Stupid' t-shirt!"
Circularly, apparently.
"I call this hearing to order," Senator Gasleygrassteahee opened the session. At least, we think it was Senator Gasleygrassteahee - the voice that emanated from underneath the skirt could just as easily have been that of one of the other Reduhblicans trying to goose the proceedings along because he didn't want to be late to take a gander at the beginning of the latest episode of America's Gruesomest Species Extinctions. Further apparently, Reduhblicans believe that time shifting is a science fiction concept involving jumping into large tunnels.
Negotiating conditions for her Congressional testimony, Professor Blase-Automobile's lawyers had asked that the Federal Bureau of Instigations investigate her claims. "Whu...why - *HUFF* - that...that...that..." Senator Gasleygrassteahee was acting dumbfounded. Or, in need of an inhaler. As we learn in first year journalism (which we never studied): don't ascribe disingenuousness to what can be explained by physical illness. Eventually, he managed to choke out: "That would be unprecedented!"
Unlike the confirmation hearing of Clarence A'Doutingthomas, in which Senator Gasleygrassteahee argued that the only way to get the facts of the case was for the FBI to investigate? "Wh - uhh..." Or, last month's hearing for Frank Lolobotamy, in which the FBI was called in to investigate in the middle of Lolobotamy's victory lap around the Senate chamber? "No - *GASP* - that's not...err..." Or, in fact, any hearing conducted in the last 30 years in which last minute allegations needed to be verified or rejected by an independent body with vast experience in such unpleasant undertakings? "Wha...wha - hoo ha - oh, boy - *PANT* *PANT* *PANT*!"
Somebody get that man some Salbutamol, stat!
"Could it be any more obvious what's going on, here?" asked token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. We said that yeah, sure, what was going on, here couldn't be any more obvious if it was twelve feet wide and named Bertram Gilhooleybooley...but, uhh, some of our readers failed Obvious in grade 7, so if she could just humour us - you know, for them...
"Oh, for Pete's - look," token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam gracefully responded to our request. "The Reduhblicans know that they'll embarrass the pasties off themselves if they actually ask any questions of an alleged sexual assault victim. They can't help themselves - it's who they are. Pasties and all. But, they want to win the mid-term elections. Boy, oh, boy, do they want to win the mid-terms. And, they can't do that if only three women in the country are willing to vote for them. So, they're hiding behind a skirt!"
Literally? "Literally, figuratively and onomatopoeially!"
If that is what the Reduhblicans on the committee were doing, they were doing it badly. When Trenchantobserva (who looked down on the proceedings from a height of over 11 feet because, to accommodate 11 men, the skirt had to be just under six feet tall, which forced her to stand on a platform to make it appear that the skirt snugly fit her waist) started to ask, "Professor Blase-Automobile, the events that you have described happ -" a voice from under her skirt vehemently whispered, "Accuse her of mistaking the identity of her attacker." It sounded like the voice of Senator Orrin Berrydahatchet, but it's hard, under the circumstances, to be sure.
Trenchantobserva responded: "No. That's the lamest defence to a sexual assault allegation that I have ever heard!"
To which the voice from under the skirt replied: "It doesn't have to be...whatever the opposite of lame is. It just has to satisfy our base. And, in case you didn't notice, our base is dumber than a sack of buzzsaws!" In journalism school (which we never attended), we learned that the only way to get over the circumstances is to go through them (which we never understood), so we're going to assume that the speaker was, in fact, Senator Berrydahatchet.
To which's which Trenchantobserva reacted: "Do you want to ask the questions? If you do, I'd be more than happy to take off this ridiculous item of clothing and let you!"
From under the skirt could be heard, in rapid succession, a grunt, a slap and an, "Excuse me."
"Oh, yeah," token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam wryly observed. "Women voters will be totally fooled!"