by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
"I am retiring to spend more time with my family," is the political equivalent of "The dog ate my homework" or "I promise to pull out in time." Everybody says it; nobody (less a few gentle souls who probably shouldn't be allowed to have advisers for their trust fund) believe it.
In 1973 Gloucester McFilialov, a Dumbopratic Senator from the great(...ish) state of Omabraska announced that he was retiring to spend more time with his family. He was an orphan. His only known living relative was a cousin twice removed (then removed a third time for good measure, then removed a fourth time to really drive the point home, then removed a fifth, sixth and seventh time out of habit). And, he hated her. (As it turned out, there was more than a grain of truth to the fact that he embezzled campaign funds to pay for his mistress' outrageous bacon fetish - there was a whole bread factory!)
Then, there was the case of Grigor Ismailovitchov. In 1954, he resigned from the Fenwickian Politburo, claiming that, "I would better serve the glorious revolution by spending more time with my family." This seemed to fly in the face of the fact (part of the "body of evidence" for the argument of political wantonness) that Ismailovitchov's job had been to make up the lists of traitors to the cause who would be sent to Gulags for a little death and reeducation, as a result of which he was responsible for the demise of all of his nearest and (arguably not so much) dearest. (The fact that he committed suicide the next day by impaling himself 18 times on a shrimp fork spear indicates either that he regretted his actions, or that the government regretted his actions for him.) Long the revolution! - and all that.
Somewhere, in the distant reaches of unrecorded history (ie: before Farcebook), there was likely a caveman who grunted, "Me am stop be clan leader. Me spend more time with family." As if there was anywhere in the cave that he could get away from his family!
Soooooo, given this, what are we to make of Speaker of the House Paul Ryboehnbachblisscrap's announcement that he will not be seeking reelection in the November mid-terms "because I need to spend more time with my wife and two sons...I...I have two sons, don't I? It's been so long...so very, very long..."?
Under his breath, Senate Minority Leader Chuckie Schumaihargowmer asked, "Is there a weather condition that is more destructive than a tsunami?" I thought for a moment and responded, "I don't know. I'm not sure that it qualifies as weather, but, maybe...a meteor that causes an extinction level event?" He nodded and replied, "Yeah. Extinction level event. That sounds about right."
Senate Minority Leader Schumaihargowmer cleared his throat, spritzed, completed a couple of scales and, when he was convinced that he would be in fine voice, shouted, "Oh, my Gord! This means that the speaker - the speaker! - the most powerful Reduhblican in Congress and one of the most powerful men in the world! - thinks the mid-terms are gonna be a meteor that causes an extinction level event for the Reduhblicans!"
I should have seen that one coming.
When people began appearing at the front doors of nearby homes to see what all the commotion was about, Senate Minority Leader Schumaihargowmer blushed and quietly asked, "Too much?" There was a wistfulness in his voice that suggested that the Dumboprats hadn't had a lot to be over the top about lately, and that he wanted to take advantage of the opportunity while he could.
"While I hate to burst the Minority Leader's bubble," responded token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam, "it is kind of my thing, so let me say that there are other ways of interpreting Speaker Ryboehnbachblisscrap's announcement. He could be retiring because of the unpopularity of the President. He could be retiring because of the sputtering economy. Or, the unpopularity of the President. Or, the seemingly endless parade of spending scandals that are plaguing the government. Of course, you can't entirely discount the unpopularity of the President. Or, how about...just off the top of my head...I'm only throwing this out for discussion: the fact that Ryan was warned of the looming 2008 economic meltdown, and dumped a lot of his stock portfolio before it dropped dramatically in value? Can you say conflict of interim...uhh, conflict of interference...umm, conflict of...of...of...can you say it? Please? Or, you know, the staggering, mind-boggling unpopularity of the President. A lot of factors could have gone into the decision, really."
"Ah, well," Senate Minority Leader Schumaihargowmer philosophically re-responded. "Bubbles, like governments, are ephemeral things that aren't meant to last..."