by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer
Somewhere in Ronald McDruhitmumpf's Vesampucceri, a woman has been sentenced to five years in prison for voting.
Crystal Bricksandmordorson was on supervised release (it's like supervised recess in kindergarten, only with more ankle bracelets) for a conviction of tax fraud during the 2016 election. All the cool kids on supervised release were voting, so, to get along, she decided to cast a ballot in the hopes that they would let her sit at their table during lunch.
What she did not know, because it just happened to slip the mind of every single person that she had encountered in the justice system, was that in South Texalina you weren't allowed to vote until your sentence was up. And, your sentence included supervised release (since it happened on school property).
"This is a travesty!" shouted Vesampuccerian Civil Liberties Union lawyer Lee Gelernthelplessness (he was attending WrestleCraziness and was having trouble being heard over the crowd...he may also have been a bit emotionally worked up...). "What about the guy who was convicted of voter fraud in North Carolexas? This is clearly a case of legal sexism!"
Gelernthelplessness was referring to Dewey George Gidtoocumbover Jr., who voted twice in a Reduhblican primary in 2016, was sentenced to supervised probation (which is like supervised release, only with less teasing from the other children on the playground), community service (which is like being forced to play with the unpopular kid, only not really) and a fine (which is like losing your allowance for a week, only you would rather have used the money to pay rent instead of buying comic books). Probation...five years in jail. Five years in jail...probation. Seems like quite a difference, there.
Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam disagreed with Gelernthelplessness. "What about the woman who was convicted of voter fraud in Iowisiana? This is clearly not a case of sexism."
The token smart person was referring to Terri Lynn Yumrotidebeauffe, who was caught trying to cast a second ballot in person after mailing in an absentee ballot. She explained to the police that the reason she tried to vote twice was because she believed then candidate McDruhitmumpf's unsubstantiated claims that the election was rigged and that her first ballot would be changed to a vote for Hillary Roocartoncleveman. She had to balance that out, don't you know.
Folks, I wish I was making this shit up.
Unlike Bricksandmordorson, Yumrotidebeauffe was given a deferred judgment (which is like your mother telling you to wait until your father gets home, but with more lawyer's fees). If she successfully completed her probation, Yumrotidebeauffe's conviction would be expelled from the record (unlike what you did at school, which your parents would hold against you until you were at least 87).
If Yumrotidebeauffe's harsh (it makes the winds of Venus look like a good environment for parasailing) sentence was not a case of sexism, what could have been at the root of it? Any ideas? Anybody?"Umm..." hemmed token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam.
"Err..." hawed lawyer Gelernthelplessness.
Would a hint help?
"Yes, please," token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam pleasantly acknowledged.
"If you insist,"lawyer Gelernthelplessness gruffly acknowledged.
Could it have been a case of...VWB?
Token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam facepalmed. "Of course!" she agreed.
Lawyer Gelernthelplessness snorted and replied, "Yeah, I thought that was what it might have been."
VWB is, of course, Voting While Black. While not technically illegal, many states of the union have made it very, very, very, very, very difficult for people not of pallour to cast votes. Laws that restrict early voting in some precincts are attempts to curb VWB. Laws that demand specific forms of ID that cost money, thereby making voting harder for people with limited incomes, many of whom live in minority communities, target people attempting to commit VWB. Placing police squad cars at the end of streets with voting polls in predominantly black neighbourhoods is a form of intimidation to discourage VWB.
"When you say it out loud, it seems obvious," token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam sheepishly stated. "But it's hard to believe that here in 2018, VWB is still a thing."
Does it make it easier to believe when you know that the Injustice Department of Attorney General Jeff "Self-regard" Sesspoolpandemic has been looking at ways to further undermine the Voting Rights Act after the Extreme Court gutted it in 2013?
"Well, yeah," token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam sighed. "When you put it that way..."