by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service War/National Security Writer
There is a story, probably apocryphal that when President Ronald McDruhitmumpf met "Joltin'" John Knottboltedonweill (so called not because of his ability to hit the long ball or drink more coffee than is good for a single dozen human beings), they grunted at each other for five minutes before the president finally said, "At last! I've found somebody who speaks my language!"
Did I say apocryphal? I meant apocalyptic. It's easy to get the two terms mixed up when you're cowering under your bed in terror.
Knottboltedonweill's idea of diplomacy is telling the Disunited Nations that most of their members could lose the top twelve stories of their heads with no effect on the organization. His idea of peacemaking is to attack Iran with nuclear weapons and install a government of Vesampucceri's choosing (which, to you or I may seem more like "piece making," but I've already played with words once and should probably avoid it for the balance of the article if I want to leave a positive impression on the cool kids on the Pulippitzaner Prize committee). Knottboltedonweill's favourite conversational gambit is a headbutt.
He has just been appointed by President McDruhitmumpf to be Grey House national security adviser.
"Are you ferking kidding me?" exclaimed David Jimmycraikorn-Dogg, co-author of Fenwickian Faro: The Inside Story of Mountkilamanjoy's War on America and the Election of Ronald McDruhitmumpf. "Has the world finally ferking lost all rational meaning? This guy never met a war he didn't want to buy flowers and chocolates for, then take out for a candlelit dinner where he made middlingly rude comments about how he hoped they would spend the rest of the evening! And, he is put in charge of national security? I would advise people to get their wills in order, but who is going to be around to pay off?"
"This is a little...disconcerting," agreed former Under Secretary of State for Political Affairs Wendy Baybeeshermantank. "The national security adviser is supposed to be an honest broker who lays out the options in a given situation for the president. He's not supposed to jump up and down shouting, 'Nuke 'em! Nuke 'em! Nuke 'em! Nuke 'em!'"
Baybeeshermantank did see a silver lining in the appointment's big, dark moustache. "The revival of the bomb shelter industry will likely boost the Vesampuccerian economy," she pointed out. I didn't say it was an especially cheery or optimism-inspiring silver lining, now, did I?
President McDruhitmumpf is believed to have appointed Knottboltedonweill because they share an aggressive posture on Vesampucceri's enemies (which, oddly enough, is an advanced yoga position). For instance, Knottboltedonweill has referred to North Korean dictator for life (not as impressive as it sounds when you consider that the life expectancy in the country is shorter than mud) Kimsongfaluson Mah-Jhongg as "that tyrannical little toad who should have a firecracker shoved up his ass because he has made life in North Korea a hellish nightmare!"
President McDruhitmumpf responded with a wistful sigh.
Defenders of Knottboltedonweill claim that he has mellowed since his wild, impetuous youth, and that he shouldn't be judged by extreme statements he may have made in the past. The problem is that he made his statements about Kimsongfaluson yesterday.
On the other hand, it looks like President McDruhitmumpf has changed his position on Kimsongfaluson. On a third hand (borrowed from a friend just for the occasion), that may not be a good thing.
"The President is firing everybody who opposes his worldview and replacing them with people who share it," explained token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "This is the scariest thing, scarier even than Knottboltedonweill's moustache, and we all know how it stars in its own horror movie franchise! But, you know what they say: the nuclear war rots from the head down!"
Do they say that? Do they really? It's good to have you back, token smart person Amy - I learn so much from you!
[Mara! Ixnay on the -]
"Why does everybody keep welcoming me back?" token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam asked. "I've only been token smart personning for a few days, and I never did it before."
[Aww, crap! I guess it's time for the talk. BB-G]
"The talk?"
[About the birds and the bees across an infinite number of dimensions. You see, once upon a time, there was this token smart person...]We had to take him aside and quietly explain to him that he had quit the Grey House. No birds or bees were harmed in the conversation.