SPECIAL TO THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE
Transcript of a meeting of the cabinet of President Ronald McDruhitmumpf held on Octember 19, 2018.
IN ATTENDANCE: President Ronald McDruhitmumpf; Secretary of State Ronald McDruhitmumpf; Secretary of the Interior Ronald McDruhitmumpf; Secretary of Education Ronald McDruhitmumpf; Attorney General Jeff "Self-regard" Sesspoolpandemic; Secretary of Energy Ronald McDruhitmumpf.
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: Thanks for coming, everybody. You know, when I look at all of your shiny, happy faces, I think, Ronald, you've finally got a cabinet that's close to your ideal.
ATTORNEY GENERAL SESSPOOLPANDEMIC: Wuhl, Mistah president, Ah think Ah speak fo' all of us when Ah say -
SECRETARY OF STATE McDRUHITMUMPF: TOO MUCH TALKING! GRRRRR TALKING!
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: (chuckles) I know how you feel. I'm a man of action - anybody who has seen my golf scores knows that! Still, talking is kinda what meetings like this are -
SECRETARY OF STATE McDRUHITMUMPF: AAAARRRR! STILL TALKING!
SECRETARY OF EDUCATION McDRUHITMUMPF: Hey big guy, Sun's getting real low...
SECRETARY OF STATE McDRUHITMUMPF: AAAAAUUUURRRR. AAAAHHHH...
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: Okay. Good. Now that I've been taken care of, let's talk about my favourite subject: me. What am I going to do about North Korea?
ATTORNEY GENERAL SESSPOOLPANDEMIC: Wuhl, Mistah president, as y'all know -
SECRETARY OF ENERGY McDRUHITMUMPF: Can't allow Little Elton to have nuclear weapons. Makes me look weak. Country, too. People won't follow weak president. Common sense. Must look strong. Gonna tweep something mean about him. Show him we're serious.
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: Okay. That's good. But -
SECRETARY OF ENERGY McDRUHITMUMPF: On the other hand, I like his governing style. Like it a lot. There's a lot we can learn about it. Special Prosecutors? Nobody in North Korea has ever heard of them, let alone dared to be one. You know that. I know that. Everybody knows that.
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: I definitely know tha -
SECRETARY OF ENERGY McDRUHITMUMPF: I wasn't finished.
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: No, you were finished.
SECRETARY OF ENERGY McDRUHITMUMPF: No, I wasn't.
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: Hey! You talked enough! It's my turn, now!
SECRETARY OF ENERGY McDRUHITMUMPF: But, I didn't get to say -
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: (shouts) You're eternally fired!
SECRETARY OF STATE McDRUHITMUMPF: AAAAARRRRGH! FIRE BAD! FIIIIIEEEERRR BAAAAAAAD!
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: Now see what you've done?
SECRETARY OF ENERGY McDRUHITMUMPF: What I did? You were the one who -
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: Are you still here? I thought I fired -
SECRETARY OF STATE McDRUHITMUMPF: NO FIRE! NO FIRE!
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: Ronald...?
SECRETARY OF EDUCATION McDRUHITMUMPF: Hey big guy, Sun's getting real low...
SECRETARY OF STATE McDRUHITMUMPF: AAAAAUUUURRRR. AAAAHHHH...
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: (grinning) That never gets old.
SECRETARY OF ENERGY McDRUHITMUMPF: Mister President, I -
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: I thought I...relieved you of your post. Go on. Get out!
Secretary of Energy leaves the meeting. Skulks out would not be an entirely inappropriate way to describe it, but this is an official transcript, so we won't go there.
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: Okay, so, how about this for a plan: I'll meet with Little Elton, but I'll insult him when we get together. Best of both worlds, right?
ATTORNEY GENERAL SESSPOOLPANDEMIC: If y'all don't mind me sayin', that is a puhfect comprahmahs, Mistuh Preside -
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: Good. Good. Now, we're getting somewhere. Progress. Like it. Gettin' things done. Feels good. Feels presidential. Next order of business: Special Prosecutor Robert Meullitallover. Hate him. Hate him with a passion. Hate him. Hate him. Hate him. Hate him. What can we do about that?
ATTORNEY GENERAL SESSPOOLPANDEMIC: (uneasy) Oh, ah, Mistuh President, Ah don't think it would be a good ahdea to -
Everybody at the table glares at the Attorney General.
SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR McDRUHITMUMPF: He's getting too close to proving that there was collusion with the -
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: (shouting) There was no collusion!
SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR McDRUHITMUMPF: But -
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: It's a witch hunt! Wiiiiitch. Huuunt. No collusion. Didn't happen.
SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR McDRUHITMUMPF: But, you know -
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: Witch hunt! Witch hunt! Witch hunt!
SECRETARY OF STATE McDRUHITMUMPF: WITCH HUNT!
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: Exactly. Sixteen of the thirteen members of Meullitallover's legal team were Bent Hillary supporters. How can he be fair to me? He can't. Everybody knows it. So, what're we gonna do about it?
SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR McDRUHITMUMPF: When you put it that way, it's clear he has to go. Gone. Buh bye.
ATTORNEY GENERAL SESSPOOLPANDEMIC: Mistuh President, that would be a very dangerous -
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: So, I should fire the Special Prosecutor?
SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR McDRUHITMUMPF: Yes. Fire him. Fire him hard. Fire him so that he knows he's been fired down to the very sub-atomic particle of which his body is constituted. Fire him! Fire him! Fire -
SECRETARY OF STATE McDRUHITMUMPF: NOOOOOOOO! FIRE BAD! NO FIRE! NOOOOOOOO!
SECRETARY OF EDUCATION McDRUHITMUMPF: Hey big guy, Sun's getting real low...
SECRETARY OF STATE McDRUHITMUMPF: NO! ME NOT CALM DOWN! FIIIIIIEEEEERRRR!
ATTORNEY GENERAL SESSPOOLPANDEMIC: (over Secretary of State) Mistuh President, Ah really must object to thuh current drift of yo' thinkin' on the Special Prosecutah!
SECRETARY OF STATE McDRUHITMUMPF: RAWWWWWRRRRRRR!
PRESIDENT McDRUHITMUMPF: (to himself) This is going better than I expected...