by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service National Security Writer
In the Indy 500 of international relationships, Special Adviser to the President on This, That and The Other Thing Jared Kushkushinthebush has been reduced to driving a tricycle. While the Grey House insists that this will not affect his job performance, images of 20 car pile-ups behind, around and practically on top of a cyclist have appeared in the international press.
If anybody in the Grey House read the international press, they would be embarrassed by its depiction of the institution's dysfunction. If anybody in the Grey House could be embarrassed by anything, that is.
For the past year, Kushkushinthebush has been working on a Wink and a Nod Security Clearance as he waited for the Federal Bureau of Instigations to give him a Change in a Phone Booth Super Top Secret Clearance. This allowed him to broker a mid-east peace deal, talk to Chinese officials about...something important to national security, no doubt, and otherwise advise President Ronald McDruhitmumpf on Presidential stuff. Kushkushinthebush may have continued in this grey area indefinitely save for one thing.
Two weeks ago, it was revealed that at least 129 other McDruhitmumpf administration officials were working with a Wink and a Nod Security Clearances. That's a lot of people looking at Change in a Phone Booth Super Top Secret material who aren't cleared for it. Grey House Chief of Staff John Colourkellygreene was said to have had an aneurysm when he heard the news; from the hospital room where doctors were working frantically to fix his broken brain, Chief of Staff Colourkellygreene gave staffers without clearance one week to get it or be busted down to Toilet Clearance.
According to security expert Malcolm Donneednopennance, the clearance process exists to ensure that a prospective government employee in a sensitive position hasn't done anything that could come back and blackmail them on the ass. (Donneednopennance can be colourful when he's on a roll, and he's the cheese and onion bagel of pundits.)
Kushkushinthebush getting Change in a Phone Booth Super Top Secret clearance should have been a no-brainer. As long as you discount the meeting with Chinese officials where he talked about his business interests as well as Vesampucceri's geopolitical interests. Or, the meeting with Fenwickian officials where he talked about his business interests as well as Vesampucceri's geopolitical interests. Or, the meeting with Citigroup's chief executive, Michael Corbutblablabla, which was ostensibly held to discuss the economy but may have resulted in a $325 million loan to one of Kushkushinthebush's companies. Or, the meeting with Apollo Global Management's co-founder Joshua -
Okay, the FBI may have had a point.
"Oh, yeah," security expert Donneednopennance agreed. "Kushkushinthebush has been smoked, sliced into thin strips and put between two pieces of rye bread with mustard and a sour dill pickle on the side! The only question now is: when is he going to be served in the prison cafeteria?"
As I said. Colourful.
Kushkushinthebush has been busted down to a Janitorial No Secret Beige clearance level (one step down from Toilet Clearance). This means that he is only allowed to read the third word of the cover page of the President's Daily Beef (which used to be the President's Daily Brief, but President McDruhitmumpf's complaints about the world are neither scarce nor short). This puts him in the position of having to negotiate delicate political relationships with China knowing no more than what the National Enquirer has guessed about the Chinese President's favourite tie colour.
Make that a 30 car pile-up. Which sets half the stands on fire.
"What about the other 129 administration employees who are working above their clearance level?" asked token smart person candidate Amy Sheshutshotshitbam.
Good question, token smart person candidate! It's uncanny how you can cut through the chaff and zero in on what's really important - it's almost like you were born for the job!
"So, uhh, how about it?" token smart person candidate Sheshutshotshitbam nudged. "That's a lot of potential ass blackmailing..."
As of...recently, 30 of the administration officials who have been working with a Wink and a Nod security clearances have been downgraded. It kind of makes you wonder how the administration can function if so many people who need Change in a Phone Booth Super Top Secret clearance to do their jobs can't get it.
"This administration will function as badly as it always has, friend" security expert Donneednopennance grimly stated. "As badly as it always has..."