by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
At least 12 Reduhblicans have announced that they will not be - sorry, make that 13...14 - at least 15 Reduhblican Congresspeople have announced that they will not be seeking reelection in 2018.
One of them is Senator Bob Heezareelcorker of Tennsylvania, who announced over three months ago that he would not be seeking reelection. That's almost six and a half years in normal person years. The Senator had clashed [did I say 15? I meant 18. And, rising...] with President McDruhitmumpf on personel, policy and potato chips (which Senator Heezareelcorker called "the worst public health disaster since crack met cocaine").
Not being beholden to the special interests that politicians need to get reelected, Senator Heezareelcorker said he would not vote for any tax reduction bill that would add a single penny to the national deficit. So, why did he agree to vote for the Oh, My, We're Going to Make Out Like Bandits...I Mean, Really Help the Middle Class Tax Giveawa - Fairness - We Meant Tax Fairness Act, which could add as many as 150 trillion pennies to the national debt?
Because [sorry to interrupt, but this just in: there are now 21 Reduhblicans not running for reelection. That number - 22 - has passed 20, and is still going up] he's not running for reelection, he doesn't have to explain...anything, really. So, nyah nyah nyah to us. However, rumour is that once Secretary of State T-Rex "For The" Tillerovlandzman has been made to eat the plank and walk it (the McDruhitmumpf administration isn't good with the whole cause and effect thing), then no longer Senator Heezareelcorker will take his place.
Senator Heezareelcorker's cooperation on getting the tax bill passed was a steal at Secretary of State, and it only cost him 150 trillion pennies. For the Senator, it would have been a bargain at twice the price (if the Reduhblicans hadn't capped raising the debt - those fiscal fuddy duddies!).
Other people in Congress had other, more personal reasons. Pennsylchigan Representative Tim Turfablusmurphy stated that he would not be seeking reelection because he wanted to "spend more time with my family." As soon as he said that, alarm bells went off in the Department of Patently False Explanations, and with good reason: a few days later, it was revealed that the pro-life Representative had asked his mistress to have an abortion. And, she wasn't even [stop the presses: we're up to 25...26...27 Reduhblicans not seeking reelection] pregnant at the time!
Most of the legislators who plan not to run in 2018 are considered moderate by current Reduhblican standards (on the Attila the Hun-ometre, they score only 7.83 out of 10, as opposed to the Grey House average of 9.37 and former Presidential adviser Steve O'Bannonallhope's astonishing 37.99 - astonishing if only for his ability to breath with all of the foam constantly streaming from his mouth). The real reason most of them aren't running is that they can expect primary challenges from candidates who are even further right than they are, and they would rather bow out with their reputations in tatters than atomized.
Don't believe it? Remember Luther [28 Reduhblicans not running next year, but don't feel bad for them: they'll find cushy jobs in the public sector that pay enough to pacify their consciences for several lifeti - what? You don't feel bad for them? Well...okay, then...] Strangerthunfixion? He was set to be the Reduhblican candidate in the Alabota special election, until Roy Moorepowertooya primaried him (and Moorepowertooya didn't even buy him dinner first!).
Other candidates slathering to primary sitting Reduhblicans include:
As good as candidates like this look to people like Attila O'Bannonallhope, they tend to scare off a lot of ordinary folks. Moorepowertooya, for example, managed to lose a seat that hadn't been won by a Dumboprat since saddles were the next big military invention and people said "forsooth" a lot. Extreme candidates could result in the Reduhblicans losing control of one or both houses of Congress; in fact, if they are extreme enough, the Reduhblicans could lose control of houses of Congress that don't even [34! If these were celsius degrees, we would be in the middle of a heat wave, people!] exist.
"The Reduhblicans will, I'm sure, field fine candidates in the 2018 elections," commented House Minority Leader Nancy Pelligrinosi. "In the meantime, I'm having trouble decided how to decorate what will soon be my new office. Can you take a look at these two fabric swatches and let me know which one you prefer?"