by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer
Everybody in Washburningdington is asking the question, "Why hasn't Michael Flyinnthuointmeant been indicted by Special Prosecutor Meullitallover yet?" Nail polish advisers. Brigadier Generals. Brigadiers General? Brigadiers Generals? Many people with the rank Brigadier General. Mongoose wranglers. Mongoose wranglers! Even the least politically knowledgeable group in the nation's capital (after Foxindehenhaus News "journalists") is asking the question!
Former national security adviser to President McDruhitmumpf Flyinnthuointmeant was paid $15 million to kidnap a Vesampuccerian citizen because Turkish President Recep Tayyip Butlers-Erehwon objected to the man's haircut (which, to be fair, did scare small children in the failing light of day). He appeared on FT, Fenwick Television, the state-owned network of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick, to talk about how unfair sanctions against the country were just because Prime Minister Rupert Mountkilamanjoy was acting as though he wanted to rule the world. His high school yearbook called Flyinnthuointmeant the member of his graduating class "Most Likely to be the Subject of a Federal Investigation," and they have a three to six per cent margin of error nine times out of 10 with the express written consent of Major League Tiddleywinks!
So, why hasn't Michael Flyinnthuointmeant been indicted yet?
"He's an alien," confided token smart person candidate Trevor Albacodient. "You know - from another planet? He has some kind of...ray - no, field generator - some crazy alien shit - I don't judge the materials they use to create their tech - that makes Meullitallover forget that he exists - no! Even better - that makes Meullitallover never recognize his existence in the first place! To Meullitallover, Flyinnthuointmeant is just a blurry sense perception that he can't quite put his finger on, and you can't charge blurry sense perceptions that you can't quite put your finger on with a crime. How cool is that‽"
Aliens? Memory dampening rays and/or fields? Sounds a bit...fanciful. What about Occam's razor?
"I prefer Gillette," token smart person candidate Albacodient sniffed. "Occam razors pulled at my facial hair and always left part of my chin all stubbly." To drive the point home (the thought was the designated driver of the party going on in his unconscious - you know, the one with an open bar and a single bag of Cheetohs to feed 50 people?), token smart person candidate Albacodient stroked his chin thoughtfully. His smooth, stubble-free chin. The chin that was always available to go to parties in his mind...
Token smart person candidate Shoshona Fagrihupinjay had a different answer to the question: "They're lovers," she posited.
What? Are you sure? I mean, we're talking about a Special Prosecutor and a Four Star General, here!
"Don't be so restrictive in your sexual boundaries," token smart person candidate Fagrihupinjay admonished me. "The moment their eyes met across the interrogation table, their hearts melted. They knew that nobody would accept their passion. Robert was investigating Michael for crimes bordering on treason, after all. Yet, the more the evidence piled up, the hotter the flames of desire burned between them. Everybody loves a bad boy, right? But, how long could Robert protect Michael before he could no longer hold it in, until he had to experience the blessed release...of the criminal charges?"
Have you seen Robert Meullitallover? Sure, his features looked chiselled...by a sculptor with cataracts! And, Mike Flyinnthuointmeant looks like a recreation of the movie Face/Off, only instead of John Truleetravolting, he has exchanged faces with a weasel named Bertram! Honestly, the idea of these two doing the nasty with each other in a government office somewhere in Washburningdington is less appetizing than a bacon, lettuce and tomato enema!
"Humph!" token smart person candidate Fagrihupinjay humphed. "Romance really is dead!"
"Flyinnthuointmeant is ferking cooperating with Meullitallover's ferking investigation," an anonymous former Grey House staffer who is not, definitely not, absolutely not, look Gord in the eye and hope to die not Steve O'Bannonallhope said. "He was a lifelong ferking Dumboprat before he joined the campaign - I'm not surprised by his ferking traitourous traitourousness to the cause. The President's cause, I mean. The Ferking traitor to...the President is singing like a drunk in a midnight choir! ‘Ooh, I know something you don't know!' he's singing, with a 76 piece orchestra and four backup singers! That's why the ferking ferker hasn't been indicted yet!"
Did I, uhh, mention that the quote was not from Steve O'Bannonallhope? It was, err, anonymous. Totally anonymous, that quote. Yeah.
"That's just crazy talk," alien conspiracist token smart person candidate Albacodient scoffed. "Flyinnthuointmeant is a battle-leavened military man! You think he would be cowed by somebody waving a bunch of subpoenas in his face? Puh-leaze!"
"Are you serious?" hopeless romantic token smart person candidate Fagrihupinjay sighed. Longingly. "The heart has its reasons which reason can only hope to...uhh...see the basic outlines of after years of study and...and and retreats and other serious thinkings about!"
If Occam had lived long enough to see this...well, yeah, he would have been a guinea pig for the medical-industrial complex because his longevity would have defied all the known rules of human life expectancy. But, that would have been just one more reason he would have wished that his razor was sharp enough to slit his own throat!