What the Heck Do You Know?
Was So Confident in its Knowledge That it Didn't Even Think to Ask...

1) How do I properly do a squat? a) find a boarded up building that hasn't been lived in for at least a year. There should be a door or window where you can pull the boards off and enter the building. Once inside, find the room that contains the least debris and throw your sleeping bag on the flo - oh, wait. You weren't asking about that kind of squat, were you? Well, pay attention anyway: you don't think squatting in an abandoned building will help you lose weight?
b) drop a doughnut on the floor; when you bend to pick it up, be sure to bend from the knees
c) ignore all conceptions of exercise (we like to add the diddly to squat)

 2) Rudy "a noun, a verb and 911" Giuliani has been added to the legal team defending President Trump against the Special Prosecutor's investigation. What should his new mantra be? a) a noun, a verb and "no collusion"
b) a noun, a verb and "witch hunt"
c) a noun, a verb and a non-sequitur that feels damaging to his client
d) other noun, other verb and other frequently repeated word or phrase



 3) According to supporters of the state of Israel, Hamas is responsible for the deaths of over 50 Palestinians and the maiming of thousands at the border to the Gaza Strip. What is their reasoning for this conclusion? a) if the Palestinian civilians had just stayed at home and suffered the privations of the Israeli blockade in silence, Israeli soldiers would not have been forced to use live ammunition and grenades to disperse their protest
b) a), but with an American accent
c) a) and b), but with the added point that Palestinians are animals (because the situation isn't sadly ironic enough as it is)

 4) How do I know I'm taking the right vitamins and supplements? a) if your face starts turning blue, you're probably taking the wrong vitamins and supplements
b) If you're an alien and your blue face turns pink, you're probably taking the wrong vitamins and supplements
c) Gwyneth Paltrow tells you that you are

 5) What event most sends Toronto sports fans into paroxysms of joy? a) the Maple Leafs making it into the Stanley Cup playoffs, even though 87 other teams also did and, in any case, it'll be a miracle if the team makes it past the first round
b) the Blue Jays having won a game in their new season, even though their chances of making the playoffs are about as high as an earthworm flying a kite
c) the Raptors having beaten their team record for most wins in a season, and appearing to be ready to make a credible playoff ru - no, sorry, that's just crazy talk

 6) Which of the following things has Donald Trump declared "dead?" a) the Paris Climate Accord
b) the Trans-Pacific Partnership
c) responsible government (okay, he didn't come out and say it: it was implied in a) and b))

 7) Is Britain really planning to exit? a) not if somebody finds a witch who can hex it
b) of course: when you've got a good thing going, somebody always comes along and wrecks it
c) nobody can really say for sure: being in the European Union was good for them - the country's ongoing membership will be determined by who in the country respects it

 8) Who sang a number one hit song about Otis Redding? a) Michael Bay
b) Hakim Bey
c) Dock of the Bay

 9) Who, what, where, when or why is "bleisure?" a) the King of France who wore no pants but didn't lose faith in chewing gum
b) it is a type of attire that people whose business is their pleasure wear
c) across the ninth dimension
d) at the seventeenth most inconvenient time
e) because if it didn't exist, nobody would have had to invent it

 10)Which of the following phrases was popular in the 1950s? a) Boys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses.
b) Boys don't make passes at girls with phat asses.
c) Boys don't make passes at girls covered in molasses.
d) Boys don't make passes at girls from Parnassus.
e) Boys don't make passes at girls under heavy air masses.
f) Boys don't make passes at girls who hit them with basses.
g) Boys don't make passes at girls who know what brass is.

 11) If Britain should actually leave the European Union, what should it be called? a) Pegleg Pete
b) Pegleg Pete? Why Pegleg Pete?
c) Ship of Fools was taken

 12) How do I keep my dog from eating sticks? a) stop putting Popsicles at the end of them
b) stop dipping the sticks into caviar-flavoured Alpo
c) make sure all of the furniture in your home is made of metal

 13) If Ontario Premier Kathleen Wynne wants to outpopulist Conservative leader Doug Ford, what is her best course of action? a) hold a barbecue and give out buttons with the face of her brother Rob
b) stop going to the opera and start complaining about how lamely the Toronto Maple Leafs performed in the NHL playoffs
c) hit herself in the head with a brick until she starts referring to voters as "just plain folks who are sick of government that actually works"

 14) Jared Kushner, who was allowed to take the security clearance makeup exam at least 14 times - and still managed to fail each time - has nonetheless been given the highest security clearance in the land. How did that happen? a) the security clearance fairy was having an off day
b) the State Department figured that he was taking meetings with foreign representatives anyway, so he should probably get the clearance so that he can do a less mediocre job; in diplomacy, this is known as "putting the cart before the horse's ass"
c) there was nobody left working at the State Department, so Kushner waltzed in and grabbed himself a clearance; in the Trump White House, this is known as "creating opportunity"

 15) What is "shrinkflation?" a) the Japanese translation of the title for the seventeenth Sharknado sequel
b) what happens when you allow air to get under the shrink wrap, spoiling your pork chops (if not dealt with swiftly, shrinkflation can lead to a meatsplosion (a special effect currently being perfected by Michael Bay)
c) what happens to a man who vacillates on the question of whether he is attracted to or repulsed by the person who is coming on to him
d) the reason you're buying more bags of potato chips but enjoying them less

 16) What is the phrase that you commonly hear at your office that you most despise? We don't mean get mildly annoyed at, either. We mean, the one that makes you cringe and die a little inside when you hear it. a) "We have to think outside of the box."
b) "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
c) "We need synergy among our technologies/departments/other."
d) "Who's ready to take it to the next level?"
e) "Before we get too far into the weeds, let's pluck the low-hanging fruit."
f) "We need to stop banging our heads on this one."
g) other



 17) Was the previous question an example of low-hanging fruit? a) don't ask me - I'm so far into the weeds that I can't see daylight!
b) I'm sorry, but I need to stop banging my head on this one - I'm told it will feel good when I stop
c) sure, but when you stay hungry, sometimes you need a quick bite to eat

 18) What is "Le Grand K?" a) something the French have never called Franz Kafka
b) the thousandth monkey who wrote three quarters of "The Metamorphosis" (but, not the best bits)
c) something the French often call agreement between their government and the government of the United States (which has not happened for a long time, but, if you're French, you have to live in hope)

 19) When is an "unsubstantiated claim" a "lie?" a) anywhere between the ages of 14 and 18, depending upon which state the unsubstantiated claim is told in
b) June 4, 1947, April 22, 1999 and July 7 to December 31, 2027 between the hours of 3:47 and 29:11
c) when it appears on Fox News

 20) What is the "G6 Plus One?" a) the tag line for the ad campaign for a new fruit and vegetable drink
b) how Sybil described herself when she RSVPed for parties
c) United States President Donald Trump's latest self-inflicted humiliation