by FRED CHARUNDER-MACHARRUNDEIRA, Alternate Reality News Service Science Writer
Beryllium is a bastard of a chemical element.
If inhaled in sufficient quantities, beryllium can cause people to start barking like a seal when under stress (such as in business meetings or on first dates - seals are notoriously bad at mating rituals) and tweaking the noses of strangers on the street. When asked why they did that, they often reply, "Aiieee, and wouldn't ye be a twisty wee polka nutwing, then?" A common symptom of beryllium poisoning is going online to defend the artistic merits of Tommy Wiseaunanwinky's The Room. In the disease's final phase, the brains of victim desperately try to escape out of their noses.
Beryllium doesn't just kill you; it thoroughly humiliates you first.
President Barry W. Bushbamclintreagbush's administration developed rules to govern how much beryllium people could be legally exposed to in their workplace (SPOILER ALERT: not a lot). As part of his plan to Make Vesampucceri Great Again (by increasing the sales of baseball caps, if nothing else), newly elected President Ronald McDruhitmumpf deferred implementation of the rule until he could kill it outri - ha, ha. We're still working on our messaging, here. Of course, we mean we're deferring implementation of the rule until we have studied it to within an inch of its life. We mean, from every angle. In at least 11 dimensions. We can be thorough that way.
Why didn't you hear about this? Well, that would have been about the time that House Unintelligence Committee Chair Devin Nucoocachunes made his infamous midnight ride past the capitol (in a limo - this is not the 1770s, after all - horses only exist on TV westerns!) claiming that he had proof that the Dumboprats had cheated to throw the election. It turns out that the "proof" (scared, yet?) had been supplied to him by the Grey House. And, when the document was revealed, it didn't actually prove anything. Oh, and the Dumboprats lost the election, so, if they had cheated, they weren't very good at it.
It's an old journalistic truism that politicians auditioning for Vesampucceri's Goofiest Elected Officials drive out all other news. Workplace beryllium poisoning victims never had a chance.
The deadline for deciding on the fate of the regulations came and went (rumour has it that the committee was only halfway through the fourth dimension, and the fifth dimension would require a musical hearing). Why didn't the press cover the issue at that point?
Well. That would have been around the time that Chair "He Recuses Himself, He Recuses Himself Not" Nucoocachunes threatened to put every member of the Federal Bureau of Instigations into stocks in front of the Grey House if they didn't immediately send him every piece of paper in their headquarters, including receipts for chewing gum, origami sea otters made out of receipts for chewing gum and blank sheets of paper that could, in theory be used to print out documents relating to the Fenwick investigation. I tell you, workplace beryllium poisoning victims just can't catch a break!
"It Boggles my mind," said Vermont Senator Bernie Macsandbinoffman, "and people who know me know that I'm more of a Pictionary man. President McDruhitmumpf convinces working people that he is their friend, then he blocks rules that are meant to help them? My mind is completely Boggled, even if I keep rolling three Xs. I mean, how am I supposed to make any words with three goddam Xs?"
Showing off his quick wit, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf replied, "I don't have to respond to Bernie Macsandbinoffman's accusations. Really. I don't. He just a loser. With a big head. A big-headed loser. Henh henh. I love having a quick wit. But, the people of the country need to know that I love working people. Really. I do. I built my fortune on the backs of working people - what's not to love? I can't see anything not to love. Can you see anything not to love? Not you - the hot babe sitting behind you. You can't see anything not to love? Of course you can't, dear. That's my whole point. When I hear about workplace illness, it breaks my heart. Really. Breaks it. Into a million pieces. Well, maybe not a million. Maybe more like two. Two pieces. Still, it's broken. I want to do whatever I can to help those working people. To, you know, minimize their suffering. And, I figure the best way to do that is to shorten their lifespans as quickly as possible so that their suffering will finally, finally end. No, don't thank me. Empathy is its own reward. Or, so I have been told. Booking a room in one of my hotels is a pretty good reward, too..."
In the back of the rally hall where the President was making this speech, beryllium miner Jiminy Frankincensoring grinned and said, "He gets us. He really * COUGH COUGH * gets us."