by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer
The Grey House was in emergency crisis (for the third time this afternoon) mode when allegations were made that the President was becoming more...Canadian.
"Thuh President has had fruitful conversations with Canadian Prime Minister...Canadian Prime - umm - Jack something. Ah think. Thuh Canadian Prime Minister," Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe-Panders stumbled. "But, wuhl, whoever he was at thuh time of the meetin', thuh President is happy being 'xactly who he is. He's not going all 'Canadian' on the Vesampuccerian people - trust me on that."
President Ronald McDruhitmumpf's lawyer and sometime surrogate (which, in a political context, means carrying messages to term rather than children, although there is an ongoing debate about which process is messier) Jay Sekulahuman was more blunt: "Canadian? [EXPLETIVE DELETED] that nonsense! Canadians will let you step on their...face and apologize to you for getting their blood on the bottom of your shoes! Pussies! And, I'm not talking Siamese or...or...or angoras? Whatever! Metaphors are for [EXPLETIVE DELETED] wimps! What I'm trying to say is that the President is a face stepper oner, not a face stepped oner, so can we please stop this [EXPLETIVE DELETED] about him being Canadian, please?"
What started these rumours of the President's incipient Canadianness? After being convicted of contempt of court for not stopping the torture of Latinos under his "One Cell, One Hell" policy, Mariposa County Sheriff Joe Arpaioyouwhy coyly asked, "Pardon me?" To which President McDruhitmumpf replied, "It would be my pleasure!"
This was too polite for Washburningdington, but it would fit quite well in the political culture of Vesampucceri's nanooks to the north.
Some readers may know Arpaioyouwhy as the lead singer of the 1960s psychedelic folk band Country Sheriff Joe and the Fish. However, some time between then and more than then, the 115 year-old lawman perfected the art of discouraging illegal immigrants, legal immigrants and anybody else he didn't like from living in his district. Often, this involved the use of strategically withholding necessary drugs and/or sitting inmates in a chair. A restraint chair. With straps. And a towel for their mouths. To stifle the screams. Because prison guards have delicate sensibilities.
Nobody could ever accuse Arpaioyouwhy of being Canadian. He would tie people in his care to a chair and discipline them to the fullest extent of their deaths before they did.
If Arpaioyouwhy appears to be an unusual subject for a presidential pardon, it helps to know that he was a staunch supporter of President McDruhitmumpf's election campaign, and a true believer in McDruhitmumpf's alienerism conspiracy theory (the idea that former President Barry W. Bushbamclintreagbush was actually a sweet transvestite from the planet Transylvania, which would make him ineligible to be the president of Vesampucceri even if it did make him a great singer with a fabulous fashion sense). It's also true that, in drawing an equivalence between neo-Nasties and those who protest against them last week, the President alienated blacks and Jews; by pardoning Arpaioyouwhy, he gets to alienate Latinos, a group that may have felt left out of his racist worldview. Such consideration is the essence of Canadianity.
Do these justifications of the pardon have the sweet smell of political calculation about them? Absolutely. That doesn't make his actions less Canadian - it just makes them more Ottawa than Wawa.
There have been indications that President McDruhitmumpf was leaning towards Canadianization. A month and a half ago, for example, he asked his legal advisers about pardoning members of his staff, members of his family and even himself for things they may have done but will never admit to in public. That's a lot of politeness for a politician who revels in offending his enemies, his enemies who used to be friends, his friends who may turn out to be enemies and people he doesn't know yet but would rather not take chances on.
"This is just the beginning," darkly mused token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "Pardoning people is like eating peanuts or arresting citizens on the off chance that they could be in the country illegally - you can never stop at just one. By the time he's done, President McDruhitmumpf will pardon whole families! Well, one whole family in particular..."
Not subtle, token smart person. Not subtle at all. You would not fit in well with the new climate of Canadianness sweeping Washburningdington!