SPECIAL TO THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE
Excerpt from testimony given by Attorney General Jeff "Self-regard" Sesspoolpandemic to the Senate Unintelligence Committee:
ATTORNEY GENERAL JEFF "SELF-REGARD" SESSPOOLPANDEMIC: Wuhl, Ah must say that Ah have nevuh been so insulted in all o' mah adult lahf, not ta mention substantial pahts of mah chahldhood! Ah have dedicated mah lahf, suh, mah entiah lahf, Ah will have you know, ta defendin' the laws - all thuh laws, mind, not just the one's that Ah haven't been workin' hahd ta undahmine - o' this great nation o' ouahs! In all that tahm, Ah nevuh would have imagined that anybody would impugn mah honah by so much as suggestin' that Ah colluded with a foreign powuh meddlin' in ouah elections!Hell, Ah didn't know what all colludin' was afore Ah looked it up ta prepauh ta testify heah today! Ah am outraged at thuh thought!
SENATOR ROY BULLDOGEXUENT: Uhh, Mister Attorney General?
ATTORNEY GENERAL SESSPOOLPANDEMIC: Outraged, Ah say! Outraged and infuahated!
SENATOR BULLDOGEXUENT: Jeff?
ATTORNEY GENERAL SESSPOOLPANDEMIC: Yes?
SENATOR BULLDOGEXUENT: I just asked if you were happy with the progress the Department of Injustice has made since you took over.
ATTORNEY GENERAL SESSPOOLPANDEMIC: Oh. Ah. Hee hee. Ah may have got a little ahead of mahself theah. 'Coahse ah'm happy. Verah happy, thank you fer askin'...
SENATOR ANGUS KINGFISHERHELPLOESS : What can you tell this committee about your discussions with President McDruhitmumpf about the firing of FBI Director James Comeonecomally?
ATTORNEY GENERAL SESSPOOLPANDEMIC: Wuhl, Senatah, theah's an old sayin' wheah Ah come from: thissah heah raccoon may not know which sahd of thuh toastah oven the buttah is on, but he surely knows bettah than ta tell thuh sun wheah ta shahn.
SENATOR KINGFISHERHELPLOESS: So, you're not going to answer the question?
ATTORNEY GENERAL SESSPOOLPANDEMIC: Evahdently.
...
SENATOR KINGFISHERHELPLOESS: The President has not asserted executive privilege over his communications with you, has he?
ATTORNEY GENERAL SESSPOOLPANDEMIC: No, suh, he most cuhtainly did not.
SENATOR KINGFISHERHELPLOESS: On what basis, then, are you refusing to answer my question about such communications?
ATTORNEY GENERAL SESSPOOLPANDEMIC: Ah...wuhl...you know, it's an old...uhh...Depahtment o' Injustice rule, Senahtuh...
SENATOR KINGFISHERHELPLOESS: What rule?
ATTORNEY GENERAL SESSPOOLPANDEMIC: Wuhl, now, suh, ah don't rightly recall thuh exact numbah of the rule...
SENATOR KINGFISHERHELPLOESS: Can you supply the committee with a copy of the rule?
ATTORNEY GENERAL SESSPOOLPANDEMIC: Wuhl, suh, Ah do not known if that theah rule has gone and been written down and such...
SENATOR KINGFISHERHELPLOESS: Mister Sesspoolpandemic, didn't you look at the relevant Department of Injustice rules in preparation to give your testimony here today?
ATTORNEY GENERAL SESSPOOLPANDEMIC: Ah relied on the fahn staff at the DoAh tah gahd me through what all Ah needed ta know. Ah'm a busy man, Senahtuh - Ah don' always have thuh tahm fo' such things. Y'all know what they say abaht thuh grasshoppah 'n' thuh ahtisanal baked bread with that theah anchovie pate -
SENATOR KINGFISHERHELPLOESS: moans
SENATOR KAMALA HARTWEIRTHAHOMMIS: Attorney General Sesspoolpandemic, are you deliberately giving long-winded, folksy answers in order to use up my time to keep me from asking follow-up questions?
ATTORNEY GENERAL SESSPOOLPANDEMIC: Wuhl, nahw, Senahtuh, tahm...tahm is a freakuh ol' buzzahd, ain't he? When Ah was a young'un growin' up -
SENATOR HARTWEIRTHAHOMMIS: Would you please answer the question, sir?
ATTORNEY GENERAL SESSPOOLPANDEMIC: Ah am answerin' thuh question, ma'am. In mah youth, Ah thought tahm was a...a stagnant pool o' watuh chock full o' crocs 'n' gatuhs 'n' Seventh Day Adventists. As Ah -
SENATOR HARTWEIRTHAHOMMIS: It's a yes or no question. Are you being folksy and long-winded to use up all of my time? Yes. Or. No.
UNIDENTIFIED CROTCHETY OLD MAN: Let him answer the damn question! *
ATTORNEY GENERAL SESSPOOLPANDEMIC: Thank you. Ah nahw believe that tahm is a rubbah band. Tahm is at ouah command. Tahm -
CHAIRMAN RICHARD BURRINASADDLE: The Senator's time is up. **
SENATOR DIANNE FEIRSTEINTHEATRE: In your time as Attorney General, were you briefed about possible Fenwickian involvement in the 2016 Veseampuccerian election?
ATTORNEY GENERAL SESSPOOLPANDEMIC: Not that Ah recall, no.
SENATOR FEIRSTEINTHEATRE: No? Are you certain? Twenty-seven security agencies signed on to a report that affirms that the Duchy of Grand Fenwick interfered in our elections, and you expect me to believe that you were not fully briefed on the matter?
ATTORNEY GENERAL SESSPOOLPANDEMIC: With all due respect, Senatuh, Ah was busy cleanin' up thuh unholy mess left behand bah thuh Bushbamclintreagbush Injustice Depahtment. They went fah too easy on donut dealahs and usahs. Sentencin' gahdlahns weh too lenient - jails don't fill themselves, y'all know. Cats alayin' with dogs - it was anahchy, Senatuh. Puah anahchy. Ah'm suah that you kin appreciate that, given thuh tremendous challenges facin' me, Ah had no tahm foah...foah...foah trivialities!
SENATOR FEIRSTEINTHEATRE: !
NOTES
* That everybody knows belongs to Reduhblican Senator John McMacPaddycain. Ssh.
** Attorney General Sesspoolpandemic's grin could be described as "the cat whut ate the canareh."