by NANCY GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH, Alternate Reality News Service Social Media Writer
At 2:37 this morning, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf tweeped: "Despite the negative press kofveve!!!" The way the Internet blew up, you would have thought he had boasted about shooting somebody on Fifth Avenue or something. But, what was the President trying to say?
"In Twitherd veritas," commented pop psychologist Alain DeLaFrontenac, with a strangled croak that he had probably intended to be a wry chuckle (he really needs to cut down on the cigarettes, unless he wants to be played by Tom Waits in the HBO miniseries based on the McDruhitmumpf administration). "kofveve must be the imaginary friend that President McDruhitmumpf had when he was a little boy. He probably called on kofveve during times of crisis – you know, when his parents were fighting, or he wet his bed...or he wet his bed while hearing his parents fighting...or his parents were fighting because he wet his bed – let's not get bogged down in the minutiae, here. Life doesn't get more crisisy than investigations into the possibility that you colluded with a foreign government to steal an election, so he would naturally seek out the companionship of somebody who comforted him as a child. Honestly, you see this all the time in the psychological literature and on TV movies of the week!"
"With all due respect, that is the most foul smelling pile of horse poop I have ever nearly stepped in, only pulling myself back from the brink of soilage at the last possible moment," responded Dumbopratic Congressman. Bernie Macsandbinoffman. "And, I lived in Aegean stables for three years while I was in college! No. That word, which I will not dignify by using, we're all adults, here, and know what we're talking about, is a...umm...what was I talking a – oh, yeah. Sorry. Sometimes even I can't follow my sentences. Antisemitic, is what I'm trying to say. That word is a dog whistle to the President's base. I'll bet Steve O'Bannonallhope inserted it into the President's tweep when he wasn't looking – this is so far off message, I'm surprised he didn't lap himself and end up back on message again!"
"Don't be silly," tweeped somebody identified as @shamballafunbollix12. "it was his cat curling up on his comp. keyboard. Happens all teh time. classic"
"There has been a lot of speculation about what this morning's tweep by the President meant," Press Secretary Sean Spirochetericer sighed wistfully later in the day. "If any of you...‘reporters' was actually willing to commit some serious ‘journalism,' you could have easily found out that kofveve is an ancient Babylonian word meaning ‘we will prevail!!!' And, yes, in its original language, the word was always followed by three exclamation points, no matter where it appeared in a sentence. Will some of you please tryyyy to get it right in your reporting? Please?"
Experts on ancient Babylonian (all three of them), stated that kofveve was emphatically (hence the usage of bold face type) not a word in that language. The closest word that they could find was "bofkeke," which they wouldn't translate for us because it was a moderately rude term for an action involving a naughty part of human anatomy and a jar of myrrh (experts on ancient Babylonian are notorious prudes).
Almost immediately, the Internet blew up (what? You didn't think I would get back to the lede? I'm saddened by your lack of trust in my "journalistic" skills!) with ridicule of the President's tweep.
For example, @muhcassmoochas wrote: "if Pres doesnt stop, whole country could end up in a kofveve six feet underground!"
For example (without "too," "also," "another" or any other qualifier that would privilege the first example over all of the others), @whutthedeliberateliberalate wrote: "Kofveve Sutherlandencee my fav actor! Glad to see him getting recognition!"
For example (which could have been the first example in this list of examples if not for the whim of an indifferent universe), @reallashawnamccoy wrote: "guess what! I gotta kofveve, and the only prescription is more cowbell!"
Fans of the President responded in his defense. For example, @realbigotswithoutborders tweeped: "@realronaldmcd right to blame bad press on international jewish conspiracy - you go guy!"
The stock market, which appears to hang on every tweep the President makes, wasn't sure how to react.
It started with a drop of 320 points on the assumption that the President's brain had just exploded and nobody was in charge. It slowly gained back over 200 points when it became apparent that no ambulance sirens had been heard around the West Wing and, in any case, a Ronald McDruhitmumpf presidency was the next best thing to a power vacuum in the Grey House, and business had been conducted for four months despite it. Finally, the market settled on being down 170 points on the not unreasonable assumption that having a madman in charge of the country couldn't be anything but bad for business.
"Have you noticed," inquired token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam, "that the space the press gives to the President's tweeps is space that doesn't go to showing how his administration is destroying the country?"
We, uhh, hadn't noticed that, actually...probably because we were giving space to the President's tweeps. But, to be fair, ha ha ha kofveve!!!