by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer
"Wuhl, suh, ah done reckon that what muh deah depahted daddy used ta say afo' he up and disappeahed on us without so much as a by y'alls leave oah fare thee well might just be apropos in this heah cihcumstance. Seems theah was this heah ahmadillo, see, what wanted ta scale Everest with nothin' moah than a tea strainah and a 1947 Buick El Nino. Course, that was thuh convahtible with thuh foah on the floah clown masks whut -"
When I pointed out to Attorney General Jeff "Self-regard" Sesspoolpandemic that my article hadn't actually started yet, he drawled, "Don' give it a second thought, son. Have you nevah seen a Southern gentleman get intah charachtuh befoah? Go on. Do what ya need ta do - I'll be ready when y'all need me."
Umm...okay.
As shocking as the firing of Federal Bureau of Instigations Director James Comeonecomally was (easily 10,000 volts - somewhere between sticking your finger in a light socket and sitting in an electric chair), details of how the decision was made are even more disturbing. One that has been buried in the coverage is that Attorney General Sesspoolpandemic was consulted before President McDruhitmumpf made the decision to downsize (so called because of the parka the fired person would have to wear to keep him warm in the remote post where he would be banished to) Director Comeonecomally. The reason that is problematic is -
"Wuhl, now, mah pappy always used ta say that if you can't pull thuh poahk outten the woollens in time foah summah calvin', you -"
I hadn't gotten to the part that required a response from you, Mister Attorney General.
"Wuhl, recuse me."
Exactly. When he was going through the confirmation process in the Senate, then citizen Sesspoolpandemic testified under oath that he did not know of any contacts between the McDruhitmumpf campaign and the government of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick, which has been accused of interfering in the Vesampuccerian election. "I did not have relations with that country," he said. After his confirmation, it was discovered - hee hee, oops - that Sesspoolpandemic himself had met twice with Grand Fenwickian Ambassador Sergey Kismekillmeyack.
"Wuhl, we talked mostly about golf and who was gonna be thuh new host on Thuh View," Attorney General Sesspoolpandemic explained. "If we had discussed anythin' havin' ta do with national secuahty, wuhl, of coahse ah would have said so in mah confahmation hearin' Ah was raised better'n that - Ah'm not a bahbarian, you know!"
Almost there, Mister Attorney General.
"Wuhl, recuse me."
Wuhl. I mean, well, exactly. When newly minted (not only was he shiny, but he looked like he could be valuable) Attorney General Sesspoolpandemic's meetings with the Ambassador during the campaign became public, he recused himself from anything having to do with the Grand Fenwick investigation. To the extent that the firing of Director Comeonecomally was about his handling of the Grand Fenwick investigation, Attorney General Sesspoolpandemic's participation in it would seem to be in violation of his recusal."Wuhl, of coase it would," Attorney General Sesspoolpandemic responded. "Of coase it would. See, my daddy? He was a hahd man, but faih. When any of his children picked theah noses with theah feet, he would admonish them to use theah finguhs instead. 'Sorry, daddy,' we would say. 'Please recuse us foah ouah uncouthness.' So, you see, I know exactly what recusin' mahself mea -"
"Oh, that's just insane!" came an anguished cry from token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "For a politician to recuse himself means to have nothing to do with legislation or a policy that he has a vested interest in! Attorney General Sesspoolpandemic lied to Congress when he said he had no meetings with representatives of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick! He lied when he said he would recuse himself from anything having to do with Grand Fenwick! And, now, he's lying about not knowing what recusing himself means!"
"Wuhl, recuse me," Attorney General Sesspoolpandemic said, "but interruptin' a public official tryin' tuh explain hisself on a mattah of national impohtance is downright rude!"
Is constantly interrupting a journalist trying to write a story good etiquette?
"Wuhl, Ah may be a southuhn gentleman," Attorney General Sesspoolpandemic responded, "but that does not mean that Ah am anybody's beahskin showah mat!"