Longer than the Emmies! More exciting than the Oscars! Prettier than the Junos! That's right - in a mad rush to fill column inches in newspapers full of holiday advertising when nothing of the least interest is going on, columnists everywhere are giving their impressions of the year just passed, and I'm no exception! The 1987 POLlie Awards have arrived!
Everybody who was anybody (and many bodies who were nobody) crammed into the Raymond Chandler Pavillion for the event. Movers! Shakers! Rabid manicurists! The smart money was on the Reagan Administration to walk away with everything in sight, and to win a lot of awards, as well, but, as usual, surprises were the order of the day. Here is a list of the winners (and, remember: all monetary figures are in Canadian dollars, unless they're not).
The "They Only Eat Their Own" Award: to Conservatives who abandoned President Reagan after he signed the IMF Treaty with Russian Premier Mikhail Gorbachev. With criticism from both the right and the left, it's hard to understand why Reagan wants to abolish the law limiting Presidents to two terms.
The "You Could Get the Real Thing At K-Mart For $9.95" Award: to the Japanese insurance company that bought Vincent Van Gogh's painting called Sunflowers for about $52 million. I had heard that the Japanese had a lot of loose change, but I never realized...
The "For Active People Who Don't Have Time To Worry About Lung Cancer" Award: to Canada's tobacco industry, which, in its fight against a government ban on advertising, enlisted the aid of sports and cultural groups dependent on the sponsorship of tobacco companies for their existence. He coughs - he scores?
The "Just Another Sign Of The Moral Decay Afflicting the Country" Award: to Joe Niekro, Kevin Gross and any other major league pitcher who doctored baseballs. I blame Reagan.
The "You Can Lead A Politician To The Obvious, But You Can't Make Him Think" Award: to everybody in Washington who discovered that Russians are just like everybody else, only with a funny accent, when Gorbachev met with Reagan there. I guess seven years of anti-Russian rhetoric made a deep impression on them.
The "The Quality Of Mercy Is Not Cemented Over" Award: to Margaret "Three Term To Life" Thatcher. Only in her Britain could $5,000 be spent on a tunnel under a road to protect migrating toads while social spending is slashed. In a loosely related item, Conrad Black, who gives Thatcher neo-Conservative goose pimples every time, deserves a POLlie, but he can afford to buy his own.
The "Dedication To The Service Of The People and Matching Federal Funds" Award: to Gary "Is He For Real?" Hart, who reentered the 1988 Democratic Presidential Candidate race late in December, claiming that he had no staff, no organization and no money. Funny that he didn't mention that he had no hope.
The "Understatement of the Year" Award: to President Reagan, who dismissed the arms sale to Iran by saying that "mistakes were made." Later, he vowed not to repeat his mistakes - not a very comforting thought considering how many new ones are out there for him to try. At this point, the President's responsibility for the actions of his government had finally reached the catatonic stage.
The "How Many Flowers Do You Have To Sell To Make $1000 Million?" Award: to Kirtananana Swami Bhaktipada (Kirt to his friends), who said he would sue ISKON, the International Society for Krishna Consciousness, after being excommunicated. Of such philosophical considerations are religious schisms made, although there is no reason to believe that Kirt will call his new sect the Krishna Kops.
The "Being Able To Generate This Much Heat With So Little Light, It's A Wonder They Aren't Working For Ontario Hydro" Award: to both sides of the Meech Lake Constitutional Accord debate.
The "Least Impressive Cultural Icon" Award: to Tammy Faye Bakker's mascara. Is this really what we want future generations to remember of 1987? Also: The "Most Overused Fodder For Humour" Award: to Jessica Hahn, who posed nude for Playboy in order to "tell my side" of the story of her affair with TV evangelist Jim Bakker. The joke was obvious before it was made, folks. And, finally: The "The Couple Most Likely To Be Overexposed In The Press" Award: to Madonna and Sean Penn, Joan Collins and Peter Holm, Sylvester Stallone and Brigitte Neilsen, the Duke and Duchess of York (Andrew and Fergie to you) or Prince Charles and Lady Diana Spencer. Take your pick.
The "Martyr On The Pyre Of Poor Opinion Polls" Award: to former Parti Quebecois leader Pierre Marc Johnson, who lost his position over the "national affirmation" policy. What PQ hardliners refuse to accept is that it was Rene Levesque's policy, brought in as a response to the defeat of his referendum on separatism. (What they really don't accept it the result of the battle of the Plains of Abraham, but maybe they just need more time to let it sink in.)
The "Conservative Assumptions In, Conservative Conclusions Out" Award: to the federal Consumer and Corporate Affairs Department, which was accused of underestimating the cost to Canadian consumers of the government's drug patent legislation by $100 million or more, proving, once again, that some economists can add, but they cannot subtract.
The "Democracy Suffers Fools Gladly" Award: to South Korea's two Kims (Dae Jung and Il Sam), who were warned before that country's election that two opposition candidates would split the opposition vote and return the governing party of Roh Tae Woo to power; who were told repeatedly during the election that two opposition candidates were, indeed, splitting the opposition vote, threatening to return the governing party of Roh Tae Woo to power; and, who learned after the election that two opposition candidates split the opposition vote and returned the governing party of Roh Tae Woo to power. Ah, well - there's always the next democratic election, perhaps in 20 years...
The "We Can't Say What It Is, But It's An Amateur Sporting Event...It Takes Place Once Every Four Years...It Started In Greece Thousands of Years Ago...Know What We're Talking About, Yet?" Award: to the 1988 Calgary Olympic Committee, which, in its enthusiasm to protect its franchise, sued everybody using the letters C, I, L, M, O, P, S or Y without getting permission first.
The "You Know What We Said About Leading A Politician To The Obvious? Well, It Goes Double For Anybody In The Military!" Award: to the US Air Force, which admitted this year that its Cruise missiles may be faulty after unsuccessful tests conducted last year.
The "The Chamber Of Sober Second Thought And Zuchini" Award: to outgoing Senator John Godfrey, who suggested that attendance rules be tougher to weed out the "vegetables." Perhaps the Senate could achieve the same goal by using less fertilizer...
The "It's One Of Those Unacknowledged Lies That Help Us Get Through Life - You Know, Like I'll Always Love You Or The Check Is In The Mail" Award: to Gerry Maffre, of the federal Immigration Department, who claimed that until 174 Indian migrants were processed as refugees, they weren't technically in Canada. Does that mean they couldn't technically pay taxes?
The "Wait! Could This Be A Trend?" Award: to the Starck Club, Dallas, which remained open despite losing its dance hall permit for two weeks. Employees dressed as "dance police" patrolled the club to ensure that nobody was having fun. Have they considered selling franchises?
The "And On The Eighth Day, He Needed A Security Check" Award: to the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service - created because the Security Branch of the RCMP was having difficulty distinguishing between dangerous subversion and legitimate dissent - which, according to the Security and Intelligence Review Committee, was having difficulty distinguishing between dangerous subversion and legitimate dissent.
The "Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Return to the Video Arcade" Award: to Konami, Inc., makers of Contra, an arcade game based on the jungle war behind the scandal. RUNNER-UP: Hitech Productions, makers of Cessna Over Moscow, a video game based on Matthias Rust's unscheduled landing in Red Square. For god's sake, what are we teaching our children?
The "Austerity Is Good For The Soul" Award: to the Cardinals' Council for the Study of Organizational and Economic Problems of the Holy See, which issued a statement saying, among other things, that, "The radical insufficiency of the property of the Holy See, whose income yield does not cover even half of the expenditures recognized as necessary for the activities of the central administration, permits a prediction for 1987 of a deficit of around $63 million." Remember when Christianity itself was radical?
The "Making The Punishment Fit The Crime, or, The Mikado Treatment" Award: to Dr. Milton Avol, whose punishment for violating health, fire building and safety codes was to live 30 days in one of his slum dwellings. RUNNER-UP: to the men convicted of communicating for the purposes of prostitution who were sentenced to clean up all of the used condoms on Jarvis. Such public ridicule may not be justice, but many find it emotionally satisfying.
The "Prejudice Is A Disease Of The Mind, But It Doesn't Keep You From Renting An Apartment Or Teaching" Award: to opponents of Manitoba's bill to include homosexuals in human rights legislation. "Homosexuality is a disease of the mind," sayeth Edward Enns. "The government should seek ways of curing it, not promoting it." And, here I thought James Keegstra had already said all there was that needed to be said on the subject...
The "And Speaking Of James Keegstra" Award: to the federal Social Credit Party, which elected the Keegster (who, at his trial for promoting hatred against an identifiable minority group, said he wasn't against all Jews - gee, thanks) as its interim leader. Now, even if they do somehow manage to develop rational, coherent policies, there's no way they're getting my vote!
The "We All Have Canada Post Horror Stories To Tell Our Grandchildren, Don't We?" Award: to Joey Ireland, whose letter of apology to a police officer took 11 years to arrive at the nearby station. RUNNER-UP: John Ruffolo, who received his mail at a group mailbox, except during the postal strike when, perversely, it was delivered to his door. HOH OHO, indeed.
The "Who'S Been Nominated For The Vacant Supreme Court Seat? Bork! Gesundheit..." Award: to the Senate Judiciary Committee, which ended the year looking at Kennedy after rejecting Bork and Ginsburg. Two down, 267 million to go...
The "I'm Writing As Fast As I Can" Award: to the Intelligence Unit of The Economist, which rated Canada as the most boring country of the 50 surveyed, about equal to the United Arab Emirates, Belgium and Denmark, and worse than Switzerland or New Zealand. Perhaps we need a government study on this...
The "You Appoint The Lady What Brung Ya," Award: to Liberal House Leader Herb Grey, for accusing Brian Mulroney of hypocrisy for defending his patronage appointments after denouncing Liberal patronage appointments during the last election. Anybody remember the ending of Animal Farm? RUNNER-UP: Prime Minister Brian Mulroney, for hypocritically defending his patronage appointments after denouncing Liberal patronage appointments during the last election. Four legs bad, but, let's face it: as long as the trough is there, the pigs will dine.
The "You Know, My Mattress Is Looking Better All The Time" Award: to the Ontario Securities Commission, which started allowing the collapse of the four pillars of finance (chartered banks, trust companies, insurance firms and brokerage houses) into one. Don't they realize that a structure becomes very unstable if it is only held up by one pillar?
The "Let's Bring Her Along Slowly - Too Much Creativity Can Spoil A Great Artist" Award: to Whitney Houston. Her first album was called Whitney Houston; her second was Whitney. Will her next be called Houston, does she have a middle name nobody knows about, or will she have to change her name to come up with a title?
The "How Much More Are They Charging For Toilet Seats?" Award: to Defense Minister Perrin "Baby-Face" Beatty, whose $200 billion defense package was unrealistically low before it was tabled.
The "Did He Offer To Help You With Your Spelling?" Award: to Marie Fortin-Balogh, who shadowed Manitoba Premier Howard Pawley at the First Ministers' Conference, taping everything he said for the Federal Provincial Relations Office. Are our leaders being reduced to holding confidential meetings in bathrooms?
The "Strange, But True" Award: to Watergate conspirator G. Gordon Liddy, whose plans to host a talk show were apparently not changed by the fact that he took on a truck in hand to hand combat. The truck won.
The "One Virgin Birth Per Millenium Is Our Limit," Award: to Pope John Paul II, whose Church condemned test tube births and surrogate motherhood.
The "Gandhi Is Dandy, But Pictures Make Him Richer" Award: to Penthouse Publisher Bob Guccione, who managed to alienate an entire country by printing an interview with Indian Prime Minister Rajiv Gandhi in his soft-core porn magazine.
The "This Is The Day Of Common Shopping," Award: to Ontario Attorney General Ian Scott, who still hasn't made plans to scrap Sunday closing laws, even though they reached a nadir of credibility when Boxing Day fell on a Saturday, forcing stores to hold their sales on a Sunday. Would those who argue for a common day of pause be willing to hold it on Wednesday?
The "Oh, No! It's The Dreaded Civil Libertarian Man!" Award: to Linda Neville, Director of a British Columbia programme that allows petty criminals to serve their sentences at home if they agree to wear electronic devices that alert police if they don't stay. The idea came from a comic book: Spiderman versus Big Brother?
The "Reach Out And Touch Someone Up" Award: to Jonathan A. Margolis, who stole over $37,000 from his Los Angeles employer in order to pay telephone bills he ran up by dialing a recorded phone sex service. Talk about being addicted to love! RUNNER-UP: whoever got Jim Wyatt's US Sprint long distance access code. Imagine Wyatt's surprise when he got a bill for over $14,000 which claims he spent 50.6 days on the phone in a 30 day period!
The "Where's His Boat?" Award: to Stuart Liebowitz, an American convicted on 10 counts of larceny, who wanted refugee status in Canada, claiming political persecution. He was laughed all the way back to the border.
The "Sure, We Could Probably Kick Butt In Luxembourg And Togo, Too, But What Would That Do For Our Image As International Peacemakers?" Award: to Conservative MP Don Blenkarn (he really gets around, doesn't he?), who suggested that Canada invade Mozambique in order to put pressure on South Africa to dismantle Apartheid.
The "Now, They Tell Us!" Award: to Democrat Henry Waxman, who, during Congressional hearings into the American drug industry, praised Canada's drug system at the same time as the Mulroney government was dismantling it.
The "Glasnost Means Never Having To Say You're Repressive" Award: to the two Moscow police officers who tried to arrest the editors of Glasnost Magazine. Meanwhile, the Russian government paid $300,000 for advertising in The Wall Street Journal touting business opportunities in that country. What price political revisionism?"
The "Dress It Up In A Pink Bow And Send It On Its Way" Award: to Dr. McTaggart-Cowan, Chairman of a Task Force looking into ways to make a low-level radioactive dump site attractive to communities in Ontario. "The ideal solution," he explained, "would be to have more than one Ontario community competing for the right to host the new dump." And, what an honour it would be!
The "They Want To See If They Can Make Cars From Whale Blubber" Award: "to Japan, Iceland and South Korea, who are skirting a five year ban on hunting by the International Whaling Society by claiming that whales they kill are for "scientific research." Call me cynical, but I think we can learn a lot more from live whales than we can from dead ones.
The "It's Hard To Believe A Human Being Can Contort That Way, But Watching Does Provide A Certain Gruesome Fascination" Award: to Blenus Wright, lawyer for the Ontario Ministry of Education, who argued before the Province's Supreme Court that religious classes required in public schools promote freedom of religion because children who do not believe are free not to attend.
The "Find Me One Honest Man" Award: to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, whose sting operation in New York State found that 105 of 106 officials offered bribes were willing to accept them. The 106th refused his bribe because he felt it wasn't high enough.
The "I Think Edward Gibbon Would Like A Word With You" Award: to anybody who thinks collections of Garfield comic strips are great literature.
The "Sure, There's A Price To Pay For Mindless Devotion To Ideology, But We Don't Have To Pay It, So What's Your Point?" Award: to the United States Agency for International Development for withholding $60 million from the United Nations Fund for Population Activities on the grounds that its family planning programme included information on abortion. May they all be reincarnated as Third World women desparately in need of family counseling.
The "Does Protocol Demand The Use Of Mr. President, Mr. Deposed President, Jean-Baptiste Or Hey, You In The Wilted Jodhpurs?" Award: to Jean-Baptiste Bagaza, who was ousted from the Presidency of Burundi, a dot on the South African map, while in Canada for the francophone summit. He immediately left, leaving Burundi unrepresented at the conference (on the off chance that something was actually put to a vote - if, say, France decided to escalate hostilities with...practically anybody - Burundi officials would certainly be kicking themselves). Bagaza couldn't be expecting a warm homecoming; can we expect him on the next boatload of refugees?
The "I Think The Thing I Like Most About Americans Is Their Ability To Lose Gracefully" Award: to sprinter Carl Lewis, who congratulated Canadian Ben Johnson for his record shattering run at the world track and field championships by insinuating that Johnson's win was assisted by controlled substances.
The "To Play Off Jobs Against Social Concerns, There Has To Be Somebody Left Alive To Fill Those Jobs" Award: to the International Labour Organization, which claimed that millions of people in the arms and defense industries would be put out of jobs if the United States and Russia agreed to arms reductions. I suppose you have to admire the ILO's dogged dedication to its raison d'etre, even if it doesn't show much raison or support much etreing.
The "Too Many Foul-offs To The Face Mask" Award: to American League President Bobby Brown, for warning the Toronto Blue Jays not to show replays of controversial plays on the scoreboard at the stadium for fear the fans might get violent. (In Canada? Doesn't he know that violence to Canadian sports fans means gently tapping the shoulder of the person in front of you and politely asking him or her to sit down?) Perhaps Brown should be reminded of all the studies the television networks have that conclude that television does not incite violence against umpires.
The "The Capacity Of Those In Politics For Self-delusion Never Fails To Amaze" Award: to Reza Pahlavi, son of the deposed Shah of Iran, who believes he will one day return to lead his country. Perhaps he should be introduced to Ferdinand Marcos.
The "Anarchy Rules" Award: to the Federal Communications Commission, for repudiating the Fairness Doctrine, which guaranteed that both sides of an issue would be represented in a news story. Now, instead of having a difficult, largely unworkable rule, there are no rules at all. Can we call the American mania for industry deregulation the Unfairness Doctrine?
The "You're Right, We Don't Know Why Our Credibility Was Strained" Award: to John Becker, the Labour Officer of the US Embassy, who, in response to fears of CIA interference with a future NDP government, stated, "I can tell you flat out that we do not interfere in the internal affairs of an allied government." It's a good thing we're still allies. We are still allies - henh henh - aren't we?
The "The Rich Get Richer, The Poor Renegotiate Their Loans" Award: to the world's industrialized nations, which, according to the International Monetary Fund, enacted more protectionist laws than underdeveloped nations. If you've got it, protect it.
The "Humour Should Be Left To The Professionals - Please Don't Try This At Home" Award: to The Star, a Johannesburg newspaper, for describing External Affairs Minister Joe Clark's trip to South Africa as a "diplomatic circus." Don't be silly. The Canadian press stopped calling Clark a clown months ago.
The "You Call This Responsible Journalism?" Award: to the Buffalo News, for a story about New York State Governor, and everybody's favourite Presidential non-candidate, Mario Cuomo getting stuck in an elevator. RUNEN-UP: United Press International, for an even longer non-story in which football player Tom Cousineau denied that he was a homosexual. All the news that fits, eh, fellows?
The "All The News That Fits" Award: to the Globe and Mail, for a three column article, taken off the New York Times wire service, no less, on delivering pizza to the White House. Surely, there was something more important?
The "Who Kills Caesar And Also Does Not Kill Caesar's Friends And Family Is Pretty Silly, I bet" Award: to the revamped PTL Club Board, headed by Jerry Falwell, which fired scandalized Minister Jim Bakker's parents, both in their 80s. Charity begins in Chapter 11 bankruptcy proceedings, eh, Jerry?
The "Karl McMarx Meets Ronald McDonaldski or I Understand One Must Fight Bourgeois McCapitalism, But Is The World Ready For McCaviar Nuggets and McBorscht?" Award: to, who else, McDonald's Restaurants, for negotiating to open burger places in, where else, Russia. I guess it does pay to advertise in the Wall Street Journal.
The "Is This Revenue Enhancement, Or What?" Award: to the US Internal Revenue Servcie, which threatened broadcaster David Brinkley with fines of $2,137.32 if he didn't pay 10 cents in back taxes. Paperwork error, indeed.
The "The Last Time We Saw George Orwell, He Was Spinning Quite Quickly" Award: to the Ontario Ministry of Education, which, under pressure from certain religious groups, changed "evolution" in grade 12 courses to "change" and "development." A word to concerned parents: science a child picks up on the street may not be complete.
The "No Country Is An Island, Even If It Is An Island" Award: to the British House of Lords, which persisted in its ban of Peter Wright's book about Britain's secret service, Spycatcher, even though copies flooded into the country from pretty much everywhere else. They have the tenacity of a bulldog - and the brains to match.
The "And We Guarantee To Give A Loan To Any Youngster Who Has A Workable Plan To Squeeze His Parents Out Of The Family In A Hostile Takeover" Award: to the Young Americans Bank of Denver, whose clients are 10 to 22 years old. Now, children can save their own money to buy those toys they see on Saturday mornings. Or, they can be like Barry Minkow: President of a company with $200 million worth of assets (ZZZZ Best) by the time they're 21; suspected of misappropriation of funds and mob contacts and bankrupt a year later. But, can they buy back their childhood?
The "What's In A Name? Several Thousand Dollars In Increased Business," Award: to Toronto City Council, which named a street La Scala Way after the prominent Italian Restaurant. What's next? Wendy's Way? Kodak Crescent? The possibilities are endless...
The "The Ruminations Of Great men Remain Forever A Mystery To Our Simple Minds" Award: to President Ronald Reagan, who, in April, promised to consider an acid rain treaty. He must be taking his commitment very seriously, because he's still considering.
The "And Now, It's Miller Time..." Award: to deposed Philippine dictator Ferdinand Marcos, who plotted another coup attempt in his country, obviously to celebrate the six month anniversary of his first aborted attempt.
The "Maybe We're Not Pointed In The Right Direction" Award: to all those people who stood on a power point on April 23, the day of the harmonic convergence, the beginning of a new age of peace, plenty and other neat stuff according to ancient Mayan, Aztec and Hopi calendars. It was also the 10th anniversary of the death of Elvis Presley. And, of course, this year marked the 50th anniversary of the creation of Spam. Will Quetzalcoatl return in the form of Elvis, ushering in a new age of plenty by turning all musical instruments into Spam? I know I can't wait...
The "The Year Of Flying Dangerously" Award: to American Airlines President Robert Crandall, who suggested that the government help the airlines solve the problems of safety and flight delays. They call it regulation, Bob.
The "I Know You Can't Believe Everything You Read, But This Is Ridiculous" Award: to the Toronto Star and the Globe and Mail. The Star ran a story about a post office franchise which made a $17,000 profit in just 12 weeks; on the same day, the Globe claimed that the same franchise was actually losing money. Technically, both were correct (the Star didn't include the franchise's start-up costs; the Globe did).
The "Let Them Eat Tax Reform" Award: to the Canadian Bar Association, the Canadian Real Estate Association, the Retail Council and every other business organization that supported tax reform in principle, then complained when it actually affected them in practice. A special mention should be made of Donald Blenkarn, Conservative MP and Finance Committee Chairman, who fretted over the rule that restricts the deductibility of company car costs and limits depreciation claims to the first $20,000 of the car's price. Take it like a man, Don; those of us who can only afford the bus don't get those kind of breaks.
The "There's A Lot Of Wrong Information About Refugees Out There, And We'd Like To Capitalize On The Sentiments It's Creating" Award: to the Conservative government, which introduced tough, some might say draconian, legislation to curb the influx of illegal aliens posing as refugees after a second boatload of refugees appeared on Canada's shores. It sure beats committing more funds to Immigration so that the refugee screening process doesn't take two years, doesn't it?
The "Okay, But What Do UnREAL Women Do?" Award: to the Saskatoon chapter of REAL Women, which was kicked out of the national organization when its members disagreed on the direction it should take. The women immediately started Victorious Women of Canada, proving that you can't keep a good anti-feminist down.
The "We Have A Hands On Hands Off Policy" Award: to the American State Department, which insisted it wouldn't become involved in Central American peace negotiations while at the same time insisting that it wouldn't accept a settlement it felt was not in America's best interests.
The "This Privatization Of Foreign Policy Thing Has Gone Too Damn Far!" Award: to Donnell Howard and John Norvis, an Oklahoma pair who claimed they were offered $5 million to kill Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega.
The "In Harm's Way In What Sense?" Award: to Ronald Reagan, whose idea of protecting American vessels in the Persian Gulf was to send more of them there.
The "Vive Le Quebec Dorme" Award: to French President Francois Mitterand, who visited Canada for five days and didn't once feel the urge to shout provocative statements from a balcony. Unfortunately, Prime Minister Jacques Chirac, in Canada for the francophone summit, had no such compunction; he castigated the New Democratic Party for its policy of withdrawal from NATO and NORAD, complained that a $2 billion helicopter deal was not given to France and claimed that Charles DeGaulle's provocative statement made Quebec what it is today.
The "Sex And Drugs And - Oh, No! Is Rock And Roll Next?" Award: to the Conservative government, for ill-advised legislation on drug abuse and pornography. The name of the Award says it all.
The "Can We Quote You On That?" Award: to David Doherty, who told lawyers attending the Advocate Society that they shouldn't talk to reporters because "the press is not particularly interested in carrying information...the press is interested in selling newspapers." Did I spell your name right, Dvae?
The "To Serve And Reject" Award: to Toronto Police Constable David Packer, who refused duty outside an abortion clinic because of his religious belief against the practice. Could a Communist police officer refuse to investigate a burglary because he didn't believe in private property? Could a bigoted police officer refuse to investigate violence against a minority member? Is this supposed to make us feel safe?
The "In The Darndest Places" Award: to radioactive waste, found simply everywhere, from a junkyard in Brazil to Redpath Avenue in Toronto. RUNNER-UP: condoms, those little bundles of joy, could be found in greeting cards, King Kondom comic books and chocolate Easter bunnies. Chocolate Easter bunnies! Can you picture the look on the Pope's face...?
The "Perhaps Visine Would Improve Your Vision" Award: to those on both sides of the free trade debate who claimed that they alone knew what was in the best interests of the country, and vilified those with whom they disagreed. Particularly odious was Simon Reisman's accusation that opponents of free trade were engaging in "The Big Lie" tactics of Nazi Germany. The level of political debate in this country has now reached the kindergarten level, with everybody seeming to want to play the bully.
The "Given Thousands Of Dollars A Year, Anybody Could Come Up With The Obvious (But, So Far, Nobody Has Given It To Me, Dammit!)" Award: to the Commons Committee, set up by Prime Minister Brian Mulroney, to determine the extent of his perceived "drug crisis" in Canada, which concluded that the most widely abused drug by far is alcohol. Anybody who's been to a New Year's party, a Blue Jays game or a Conservative Party fundraiser knows that!
The "How Many Yuppies Does It Take To Change A Lighbulb?" Award: to all the financial analysts who called October's Black Monday on the stock market, which dropped by 500 points, a "correction" that would be a great buying opportunity. Sure - the dinosaurs probably thought that big flash in the sky was a great opportunity to get a tan, too. Oh, by the way, the answer is: none - they were planning on selling the house.
The "I Was With Him, I Was Really With Him, Until The Fifth Operation" Award: to Michael Jackson, who looks about as Bad as oversteamed broccoli.
The "It's A Good Thing The Titanic Isn't Around" Award: to former Ontario Tory leader Larry Grossman, who, after leading his party to a massive electoral defeat, quit politics to work for an investment dealer (soon after the market crash). Some guys have all the luck, eh?
The "Throwing A Dart Into The Phone Book Would Be An Easier Way Of Nominating A Presidential Candidate" Award: to anybody thinking of declaring her or his candidacy for the Democratic Presidential nomination. You realize, of course, that the person who wins the nomination is likely to be the person whose "scandal" hits the papers last.
The "Defeat Snatched From The Jaws Of Victory" Award: to the Toronto Blue Jays, who had to lose their last seven games to be eliminated from post-season play. They did.
The "The Party's Over, What Do You Mean You Just Got Here?" Award: to the Christian Heritage Party, which is several years too late to capitalize on the neo-Conservative wave of the 80s. Despite stands favouring "just taxation" and "adequate military preparedness" and opposing abortion, euthanasia, homosexuality and universal daycare (they want to provide women with the opportunity to "stay at home"), Party representative Michael Van Pelt (no relation to Lucy) claimed that the Party was not right wing. It was, for instance, committed to treating homosexuals with love and compassion while persuading them to give up their "unwholesome lifestyle." All Canadians should be so enlightened!
The "Truer Words Were Never Spoken - I Wonder If He Realizes What He Said" Award: to President Reagan, who claimed the Canada/US free trade negotiations showed his Administration acted after Wall Street's Black Monday (even though negotiations had been initiated eight months before), and described the deal as a demonstration "to all humanity that there are, indeed, no limits to what people can accomplish when they are free to follow their dreams...we are now making that dream a reality. It is the American dream." And, it is called Manifest Destiny.
The "Maybe They Wouldn't Believe In Butchering Babies If They'd Just Eat A Healthy Breakfast" Award: to Shirley Leschin, a shareholder who proposed that Quaker Oats stop contributing to charities that promoted or performed abortions. Eighty-five per cent of shareholders rejected the idea.
The "Most offensive Portrayal Of Women In A Feature Film" Award: to Fatal Attraction. Glenn Close's suicide at the end of the film wasn't a sufficient punishment for her "temptation" of the hero - only turning her into a harpie who wants to destroy Michael Douglas' happy family who meets an even more grotesque end was enough to satisfy the misogynist fantasies of the film's male creators. RUNNER-UP: Baby Boom, which suggested that if a woman chose not to have a child, one would be forced upon her by fate. Surprisingly, both of these films were hailed by some as feminist. Give me a break.
The "Sure, He's A Great Canadian, But His Case Is A Little Weak" Award: to Peter "I Don't Need CBS' Big Bucks" Mansbridge, who wrote an article refuting the main theme of the film Broadcast News, that TV news anchors are pretty but shallow and not especially bright. His argument would have been stronger if he didn't look so much like William Hurt, the film's star, who plays a TV news anchor who is pretty, but shallow and not especially bright.
The "At Last The Nuclear Missiles Come Home To Roost," Award: to the US intelligence community, which has been overestimating Soviet weapon strength for years in order to get the Pentagon a bigger budget. It seems that it has overestimated the amount of Russian missiles eliminated by the IMF Treaty. I hear nuclear warheads make great Christmas tree decorations, boys.
The "Well, Has Anybody Seen Them Together?" Award: to Kris Tait, who had a t-shirt of Phil Silvers ripped off her back by a Chinese soldier in Tibet who mistook the TV star for the Dalai Lama.
The "Can Couples Councilling Help A Special Relationship?" Award: to the Canadian and American governments, both of which were pursuing trade complaints through GATT while negotiating a free trade agreement (score tied at one). RUNNER-UP: former White House Chief of Staff Donald Regan, who, while testifying at the perjury trial of another former White house staffer, Michael Deaver, claimed that the Reagan Administration had never had any intention of acting on acid rain, and that the appointment of an envoy was just "some type of face-saving solution." While Washington fiddles, our forests burn.
The "Look Up The Word Optimist In The Dictionary..." Award: to Sun columnist Bob MacDonald, who wrote that the Tories' dreadful showing in Ontario's election (only 16 seats out of 130) was "a wonderful opportunity to return to their grassroots." Sure; if they had gotten any fewer seats, they would have had a wonderful opportunity to return to their childhoods!
The "You Know The World Is Going To Hell When A Set Of Tires Can Be Named Respondent In A Divorce Proceeding" Award: to Dunlop Tires, whose advertising campaign tried to forge an "emotional bond" between drivers and tires. I don't know...maybe Radials...
The "We're Fully Committed To Canada - When Did You Say The Next Plane Leaves For New York?" Award: to Kiran Kulkarni, President of Koolatron Corporation, who, two days after being charged with violating Ontario's occupational safety laws, fired all 150 staff members and moved his operation to New York State. According to Kulkarni, Labour Ministry officials "do not seem to understand the urgency that private enterprisers face." RUNNER-UP: Firestone Canada, which, despite receiving $15 million from the government in exchange for a promise not to close its Hamilton plant until 1992, announced its intention of closing its Hamilton plant in 1988. Oh, the urgency...the urgency...
And, finally, The "Where Does The Time Go?" Award: to the Bureau International De L'Heure, which declared an extra second wedged between 1987 and 1988 was necessary to bring human time in line with the Earth's rotation. I hope you used that extra second of time wisely.
As the guests staggered out of the hall late the following afternoon, another awards ceremony drew to a close. It may just be wishful thinking, but perhaps this year will just be a magic asterisk in the history books...
