Everybody wants to make brilliant conversation at parties, but who has the time to keep up with the myriad of subjects on which one may need an opinion? Here at Les Pages Aux Folles Laboratories, we think we have found a solution to this vexing social problem.
Just choose a subject from those offered below and deliver the accompanying quote in a voice indicating off-hand profundity. If the person you're speaking to is totally shallow, he or she will smile and nod his or her head in rapt agreement. If your statement is challenged, put the challenger in his or her place by smiling knowingly and asking: "Have you seen the dessert cart?"
ABM Treaty: "What, that old chestnut?" Alien Life: "If there are other lifeforms in the universe, how will we be able to convince them to go on the dollar standard?" Allen, Woody: Hannah and Her Sisters was pretty good, but I don't understand why he can't make films like his earlier, funnier ones!" Alto Saxophone: "Nature's perfect musical instrument."
Battle of the Plains of Abraham, The: "We won...didn't we?" Canada Post: "How long is the government going to wait before it dumps that albatross?" Catholicism in the 80s: "Where Popes are perfect, and liberals are scared." Chipmunk Movie, The: "Absolutely the greatest cultural artifact of the Twentieth Century!" Cockburn, Bruce: "The only human being on the planet known to get more radical as he gets older, not less." Conan the Barbarian: "The most misunderstood character in all of literature." Constitutional Accord: "All 10 Provincial Premiers went along? There must be something wrong with it..." Coppola, Francis Ford: "Tucker was okay, but I don't understand why he can't make films like his earlier, funnier ones!" Drug Abuse: "Some of my best friends are DEA agents."
Fast Food: "I don't know how I could have survived Junior High without Hostess twinkies." Fitzgerald, F. Scott: "Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do..." Fox, Michael J. : "How can one human being be so cute?" Free Trade: "Trying to get a politician to accept the implications of a fiscal decision is like trying to get a fish to breath air...on a bicycle."
Globe and Mail, The: "Pedantic...full-bodied, with a bouquet that's positively piquant.." Gold: Better than credit cards, but harder to fit in your wallet." Gretzky, Wayne: He's broken another record? Ho hum." Headroom, Max: "The world's first techno-drip." Hemingway, Ernest: "As a writer, he was a great sportsman." Hitchcock, Alfred: "Hasn't made a good film since he died." Hope, Bob: "Hopeless."
King, Stephen: "He has a certain naïve...visceral charm." Kubrick, Stanley: "Hasn't made a good film since 2001: A Space Odyssey." Langdon, Harry: "The forgotten silent film comedy genius." Leacock, Stephen: "Funny, in a Canadian sort of way." Live Aid: "I didn't actually see any of it, but it was the most moving experience of my life."
Magna Carta, The: "Vastly overrated." Magritte, Rene: "Okay, so there's an apple where a man's head is supposed to be. So, what's the point?" Marx, Carl: "Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!" McLuhan, Marshall: "Who's he? Ha ha ha." Monroe, Marilyn: "An image that, unfortunately, required a real person to give it flesh."
New Celibacy, The: "The Old Morality." New Romantics, The: "Creative photocopying." New York: "Totally decadent" (may be praise or condemnation depending upon how it is said). Obsession: "Industrial strength body scent with a nasty promotional campaign."
Personal Computers: "Oh, they're passe. The chic technology of the future is a mile wide particle accelerator - soon, everybody will have one!" Post-Feminist Age: "We've gone beyond discussing sex role stereotypes, but we still can't seem to have a good time on a Saturday night." Post-modernist Theatre: "I'm sorry, but I prefer Cats to Waiting for Godot. So, sue me..." Pound, Ezrah: "Used words like a blunt instrument..." Proust, Marcel: "Forget about it!" PTL Scandal: "The most entertaining nighttime soap opera since the first season of Dallas!" Punk Rock: "It's finally become acceptable to admit that it was ugly."
Queen Victoria: "She was a lot of fun in her prime, but what has she done for us lately?" Reaganomics: "There's no such thing as a free lunch, unless you make over half a million dollars annually." Reagan Revolution, The: "Somebody should have warned the President that his troops were mounting their horses backwards." Reagan, Ronald: "A good idea for a President.." Rivers, Joan: "Can we not talk? Please?" Rock and Roll: "Musically regressive, creatively bankrupt, but I give it a 20 because it's got a good beat and I can dance to it."
Sagan, Carl: "Anybody who can make the universe look so good is okay in my book." Sleep: "I always thought a futon was something Japanese people put in their salads." St. Lauren, Yves: "Ran out of imagination years ago. Definitely needs a new ad campaign." Tax Reform: "I'd rather have all my teeth pulled." Toronto Blue Jays: "It wouldn't be fair for them to win the World Series." Trudeau, Pierre: "Intellectuals become impatient with people they don't consider their intellectual equals, which is usually everybody."
Valium: "The drug of choice for the suburbs." Warhol, Andy: "Just because something is popular doesn't mean it's bad, but some of his stuff..." Weather: "Sure, everybody does things about the weather, but how many people actually talk about it?" Wine Coolers: "Too, too pretentious."
References to other topics of conversation will be issued in future columns. In the meantime, should somebody bring up a subject or person not on this list, just smile and nod your head in rapt agreement.
