Good evening. Our top story tonight: Prime Minister Brian Mulroney continued to defend his acceptance of $308,000 from the PC Canada Fund for renovations to the official residence at 24 Sussex Drive. All but $150,000 of the money has since been repaid. "What if we have to do some entertaining?" he pointed out. "You can't expect us to see world leaders in a shack, can you?"
Well, okay, Brian, but I don't ever want to hear you say anything bad about Ferdinand Marcos' extravagances again.
In other news: the federal government has announced plans to ban all tobacco advertising and step up efforts to stop smoking in public places. In response, Jean-Louis Mercienaire, Chairman of the Canadian Tobacco Pushers' Association, not to mention Chief Executive Officer of Imperial Cancer Company, nervously lit a cigarette and said, "They talk about 30,000 preventable deaths attributable to smoking each year - how are we supposed to counter such a negative image if we can't advertise?" Muttering, "Thirty thousand preventable deaths - how do they know those people wouldn't be killed by...by falling moose?" Mercienaire took one last puff and nervously butted out.
The South African government has made it illegal for anybody to kiss a child good night. Foreign Minister Roelef "Icepick" Botha, chief apologist for the Apartheid regime, explained: "Kissing children is a way of expressing solidarity with underage detainees held without trial, and the government of South Africa abhors such acts of terrorism." The government has also outlawed gravity, slow, deep kisses on hot Friday nights and Teddy Ruxpin dolls.
How far is too far, eh?
Liberal Leader John Turner has - look. You're probably wondering why I'm dressed like a clown. It's been kind of you not to mention it, but the subject would be on my mind if I were you. It's sweeps week, you see, and management felt it would increase my ratings. I don't mind the red and yellow make-up or the orange hair. I can even get used to the bulbous nose if I have to. But this frilly collar is driving me nuts. Well, I feel much better, now. Let's get back to the news.
Liberal Leader John Turner has called for more aid for the jobless and farmers, even if it means increasing the federal deficit. It's good to see that Turner is carrying on the fine Liberal tradition of having his heart in the right place while his mind is taking a vacation.
The United States government has decided that life forms created in a laboratory can be patented. In response, god is rumoured to be considering a court challenge to the decision. In the meantime, couples thinking of conceiving children, especially in laboratories, are advised to check with the Patent and Trademark Office just to be on the safe side.
Several people in Victoria, British Columbia were taken to hospital for treatment of minor injuries when a fistfight broke out between Roman Catholics, Muslims, Sufis, athiests and Pagan witches in the prayer room of the legislature building. "We prefer an enlightened dialogue, of course," Ray Jansen, a representative of Prayer Canada, the Catholic organization which runs the room, commented. "But, there's nothing like a good one-two combination to really make a religious point." Premier Willliam "On a Smile and a Prayer" Vander Zalm, a supporter of Prayer Canada and the politician with the best teeth in the country, was, at last report, extremely embarrassed by the whole episode.
On the local scene: the Ontario government froze most automobile insurance rates and rolled back the premiums for two of the most expensive categories of drivers. For his next trick, Premier David Peterson is rumoured to be prepared to part the waters of Lake Ontario. Or, even less likely, clean them.
Representatives of Ontario's senior citizens, while acknowledging that the government's $1.6 million campaign to promote a positive image of seniors can be a good thing, expressed regret that the money won't be put to a more directly beneficial use, such as indexed pensions or more housing or community services. "What they are doing is nice," one senior commented, "but, you can't eat a better image!"
In business news: Texaco Incorporated filed Chapter 11 bankruptcy in order to put off posting an $11 million bond while fighting charges of interfering with Pennzoil's purchase of Getty Oil, despite being the third largest company in the world, with assets of over $35 billion. Texaco Press agent Jeremy Shaft enthusiastically told reporters: "Sure, we've got more money than we know what to do with, but we'll burn in hell before we let Pennzoil get their hands on any of it!"
It reinforces your faith in the competitive forces of the free market system, doesn't it? The poor get poorer, the rich go bankrupt. Maybe they should be dressed like clowns, too.
On Wall Street today, marijuana prices inched their way up as demand was expected to increase now that the summer holidays have begun. Heroin prices dipped slightly on the news that hundreds of buyers had either entered detox or died. Cocaine prices gained sharply on news that suppliers Brooks, Weingarten, Robbins and Leeds had been raided by police, temporarily cutting off a major source of cocaine supplies on Wall Street.
The Conservative government is likely to allow Dome Petroleum, the white elephant of the black gold industry, to be bought by Amoco Corporation, the American oil company which sucks a country's wells dry and spits back infrastructure, despite a competitive offer from Canadian run TransCanada PipeLines and the outcry of Canadian nationalists. Chalk up another victory for Prime Minister Mulroney's free trade initiative.
And, now, a Deadline News editorial: in the wake of the Iran arms scandal, the American press has discovered that it's alright to dislike the President again. I suppose you have to feel sorry for the Americans: before their horrified eyes, the person they thought embodied all their ideals turned into a doddering old man whose grasp of detail was so tenuous that he couldn't remember the name of the country he was leading if it had been tattooed on his Secretary of State's forehead. Still, for those of us who have disliked the President all along, a serious problem has arisen: do we join the mainstream, or start liking the President just to be contrary. This is, indeed, a time of tough choices.
Well, that's my opinion, anyway.
And, finally: did you hear the one about the alcoholic beverage for those trying to quit? It's called the Constitutional Rum and Coke - before you can order one, you have to get approval from at least seven provinces and 80 per cent of the population.
Good night.
