"Hello, Deltoid Airlines Reservation Desk, Bob speaking. How may I help you?"
"Hi. I have to be in New York on business for a week next month, and I was wondering if I could book a round-trip ticket over the phone."
"Certainly, sir. Now, you said you want to go to New York City - is that correct?"
"Yes."
"Fine. I'll book you on a flight to Dallas, Texas, then."
"Dallas? But, I said I want to go to New York."
"I understand that, sir. But, our flights to Dallas have a habit of ending up in New York. If we put you on a flight to New York, there's no telling where you might end up."
"Oh. So, what about the return trip to Toronto?"
"Ah, well, you'll want to get on a plane whose destination is Quebec City. Our Toronto planes usually land somewhere in Alberta."
"Uh huh. If I leave on a Monday, what choice of departure times do I have?"
"Well, there's a plane scheduled to leave Toronto at 3:30 pm and arrive in Dallas at 5 pm, but it ordinarily leaves around 4 pm and arrives just before midnight. If that doesn't suit your schedule, we have a Red Eye Special scheduled to leave at 3 am and arrive at 4:30, but you'll be lucky if you land before 8 or 9."
"What if I'm unlucky?"
"If you're unlucky, the plane won't have enough fuel to circle the airport for four hours, and you'll be forced to ditch in the East River. You'll get on the ground a lot faster that way, but some passengers find the procedure too...emotionally stressful..."
"I see. And, if I return the following Monday...?"
"Ah, well, the plane scheduled to depart New York at 5 pm usually takes off before midnight, and the Red Eye Special scheduled to depart at 4 am doesn't usually leave before noon. Our lawyers have advised us not to give out arrival times for these flights as we might open ourselves up to lawsuits for misleading advertising..."
"A wise precaution. Tell me, would it be possible to buy a ticket for a Red Eye Special at 4 am, but not actually board the plane until, say, 11, an hour before it might actually take off?"
"Mmm...theoretically, it would be possible, yes. Still, I wouldn't advise it. You'd hate to show up at the airport at 11 only to find that the plane left on schedule."
"Do your planes often leave on schedule?"
"Often enough."
"I see. Is there anything else I should know?"
"Well, if you see another plane out of your window, don't panic. Objects outside the plane seem closer than they actually are."
"Because of the way the glass is curved?"
"No, the glass is straight. It's just that, well, it can really wreck a pilot's confidence if a passenger enters the cockpit insisting that they're about to crash into another plane. On the other hand, if you can tell what the in-flight movie on the other plane is, perhaps you are too close. If possible, try to find a discreet way of telling a stewardess..."
"So as not to frighten the other passengers?"
"So as not to frighten the Captain! The stewardesses are trained to handle such situations."
"Humph. You'd think the Captain would be more aware of what was going on."
"You would, wouldn't you? Still, most pilots are sensitive to criticism in the midst of life and death situations which they have caused."
"Oh. I can see that...I guess..."
"Good. One other thing: if you hear a thumping or shouting from below your seat, don't worry. It's probably just a baggage handler who has accidentally locked himself in the luggage compartment prior to take-off."
"Shouldn't I let somebody know?"
"Not to worry. The banging will stop soon enough."
"I...umm...haven't flown in a couple of years. What are the prices like?"
"Oh, substantially more than they were a couple of years ago."
"Really? I thought deregulation had lowered prices."
"Oh, it did. For a week or two. But, the new airlines took over the most popular routes, starting a price war. Other airlines slashed their prices on these routes in order to compete, but kept subsidizing the less popular ones, ending up losing a lot of money. This made airline takeovers and mergers inevitable. So, a couple of years after deregulation, which was supposed to increase competition and lower prices, we now have decreased competition and higher prices."
"A modern success story, hunh?"
"If you say so, sir..."
"So, how much are we talking about?"
"Oh, sir, you know what they say about air fares..."
"No. What?"
"If you have to ask, you can't afford it!"
