Ladies and gentlemen, Reverend Oral "Pat" Righteous:
"Friends, I was shooting a round with the good lord at the Righteous Golf and Country Club the other day when an extraordinary thing happened. God, who ordinarily has a three stroke handicap, sliced his first drive into the rough. Standing on the fairway, trying to see where his ball had gone, the good lord turned to me and reminded me of his opposition to Communism. A lesser man might have thought god was attempting to divert his attention from the game; but, as the good lord put his arm around my shoulder, I knew I was about to be given a gift of great wisdom.
"The bible says that we should put not our faith in man, for only the good lord can lead us to the promised land of salvation. But, dear friends, Communists do not believe in god! No! Communists do not believe in the bible! I say, no! Communists believe in the ungodly process of redistribution of wealth! The good lord was particularly worried that the Sandinista government in Nicaragua would give the Communists a base from which to invade our great, god-fearing nation. God told me, his humble servant, that he did not want this to happen. 'Win one for the gipper,' the good lord told me."
Joe chugged another mouthful of beer and belched unmercifully. He wiped his mouth with the back of his free hand, then rubbed the hand across his torn, dirty undershirt. "Damn right," he muttered. "We can't let those Commies push us around." Joe, who had lost his job hauling steel three years ago, had a lot of time to devote to afternoon television these days.
"No, I'm sorry, friends. It was Knute Rockne who said, 'Win one for the gipper.' But, he was a righteous man. Yes, my dear, kind friends, I'm sure that, if Knute Rockne were alive today, he would support all the President's initiatives in Central America. Rockne knew that the fight against World Communism, like the fight on the football field, had to be won. There could be - yea, there must be - no compromise. No talk of defeat. History does not remember losers. Neither does god. This is the message of that other great Christian American, Elliott Abrams..."
Joe looked through the icebox, always a short glance at best, but didn't find anything to his liking. Taking a box of Wheaties out of the cupboard, he returned to the chair in front of the television set. "Communists in Central America!" he grimly stated. "What the hell is the world coming to?" Joe didn't know exactly where Central America was, or what Communists were actually doing there, but he felt seriously threatened nonetheless. Joe threw a handful of dry Wheaties into his mouth and chased it down with more beer.
"Well, actually, he's Jewish. But, friends, we shouldn't allow that to blind us to the Christian truth of Elliott Abrams' message. With a Democratically controlled Senate, our interests, yea, verily, I say the good lord's interests in Central America are in danger of being sold out! And, now that the Presidency has been weakened by scandal, we cannot expect serious progress until after the 1988 elections. Now, friends, you know that god has told me many things. You remember he told me that we must allow the dollar to fall in order to decrease our imports. Amen to that, we all said. And, when god insisted that we increase our defense spending, we all cried his praises. Well, I was sitting with god in the Praise the Lord Lounge and Snack Bar after our game, when he told me that we need a strong Presidential candidate in 1988. I tell you, friends, I was deeply moved. Deeply moved. Tears started flowing from my eyes when I received the news. Hallelujah!"
Joe became restless and switched the channel. There were a couple of soap operas, which couldn't have interested him less. He found an exercise programme that featured a pair of well-endowed women, but it was soon over. Eventually, he drifted back to Reverend Righteous' Hour of Sour. Joe didn't much care for the Reverend's religious message, but his simplistic rhetoric had its own seductive appeal.
Damn cute organist, too.
"...so, friends, I've been wracking my brain trying to find a suitable candidate. I reviewed the possibilities. I asked great and wise Republicans for their opinions. I retained the services of Conservative think tanks to study the question. Yes, I even prayed. In the end, after a long period of agonizing introspection - 30 seconds can sometimes seem like an eternity when you're doing the lord's work - it came to me. It was like a flash of light, a blinding revelation that shook me to the very core of my existence. Why don't I, Reverend Oral Righteous, run for President? Friends, I wept. But, I worry I don't have a strong enough support base. So, please, if you want to put a man of god in the White House, send me a card or letter voicing your support. Send it to the address flashing on the bottom of your screen. And, if you can, send a donation, too, because, you know, there is never enough money to do good works for the good lord. I can hear the disbelievers questioning my candidacy - 'What about the separation of Church and State?' they scoff. Well, friends, as you know, the bible clearly states that ours is 'one nation, indivisible under god.' And, that's good enough for me..."
Joe snorted. He hadn't voted since 1972. Those had been better times, better for him as well as for Nixon. Hunh. Reverend Oral Righteous was no Nixon. Still...if he really ran, Joe might be tempted to vote again...
