Since Defense Minister Perrin Beatty announced the government's intention to defend Canada's Arctic sovereignty by buying 10 nuclear powered submarines for five or $10 billion, the wisdom of the plan has been widely discussed by those who don't know any better. In some ways, this has caused a lot of confusion over what nuclear powered submarines can and cannot do.
In the interest of a more fully informed public, I offer the following examples of what can and cannot be done with such a weapon:
YOU CAN hold a wild party for 20 or more of your friends virtually anywhere at sea that you might want to. The music of Love and Rockets takes on a whole new significance played at full volume in what is, after all, essentially a tin can under polar ice. YOU CANNOT, however, roast marshmallows over the atomic reactor.
YOU CAN use it to decorate a cake, assuming the cake is as large as a football field and reinforced with steel girders. YOU CANNOT find personal fulfillment in a four by eight bunk in a room shared by 23 other Marines. Well, the odds are against it, at any rate.
YOU CAN use a nuclear powered submarine as a night light for your child. Hell, you can use a nuclear powered submarine as a night light for your whole city! YOU CANNOT sail down the Rideau Canal to pay a personal visit to Parliament, unless you use your weapons to deepen the Canal substantially.
YOU CAN look for that silver dollar you threw in the sea years ago in the mistaken belief that it would bring you luck. YOU CANNOT find Satanic messages in the operating manual, no matter how vivid your imagination or conservative your world-view.
YOU CAN reconcile the differences between anglophones in Ontario and francophones in Quebec. YOU CANNOT be certain such understandings will remain after you take your weapons elsewhere, though.
YOU CAN read the collected works of Eugene Forsey on a two year tour of duty - several times - although heaven only knows why you would want to. YOU CANNOT, on the other hand, recharge the batteries of your car.
YOU CAN lead a horse to water. YOU CANNOT make him drink it.
YOU CAN rent the submarine out to amusement parks, fairgrounds and circuses as a ride for children. You aren't likely to make a profit (unless you charge several thousand dollars a ticket), but you will garner a lot of support for the defense programme from parents who want to get their children off their hands for a couple of hours. YOU CANNOT play Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea because you are not David Hedison.
YOU CAN study the wildlife on South Moresby in Queen Charlotte Islands (assuming there is any left after the British Columbia government lets business have its way with it), carefully noting how the thousands of different species interact and are interdependent; then, you can nuke it and see if the whole process starts over again. YOU CANNOT always get what you want, but, if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need.
YOU CAN cruise up and down the Mediterranean hoping to pick up chicks (sorry if that offends you, but the overwhelming majority of nuclear submarine owners are men who think that way). YOU CANNOT use the on-board navigational computers to help you finish your calculus finals, even if you are allowed to use a calculator.
YOU CAN redesign the interior and rent it out as condos to 25 Toronto couples desperate for affordable accommodations. YOU CANNOT threaten to destroy your old workplace unless you have a permit from the Federal Department of Miscellaneous Hostilities.
YOU CAN break 27 different United Nations resolutions without working up a sweat. YOU CANNOT pretend you're Jonah in the belly of the whale without getting worried stares from everybody else on the ship.
YOU CAN sell the nuclear powered submarine to a fanatical religious group in the Middle East for an unbelievable profit, which you can then funnel towards a politically fanatical group in Central America. YOU CANNOT guarantee that either of these groups will not, at some future date, use your aid against you, though, so consider yourself warned.
YOU CAN use the deck to stage a small-scale version of Guys and Dolls. YOU CANNOT argue that all countries should live in peace while you're arming for war. Not with a straight face, anyway.
YOU CAN spend a huge amount of money on a foreign-built military product when far less expensive alternatives might be equally effective. YOU CANNOT protect Canadian sovereignty unless you are willing to risk going to war, quite possibly with a naughty ally. However, as demonstrated by its handling of the dispute with France over fishing rights in the Atlantic, the Canadian government seems to prefer settling such matters using ineffective diplomacy. That's what makes this country great.
So, there you have it. I hope this hasn't cleared up any misconceptions that may have been troubling you. If you insist upon pursuing this matter further, write to Perrin Beatty. He loves letters.
