Curtain up on a stage that is bare except for a blackboard in front of which stands MR. SCIENCE, and a small, cramped box in which 12 restless children sit. The box resembles a jury box, except it has colourful cats and dogs painted on its side. On the blackboard is written "The Food Chain." Mr. Science, intensely nervous as usual, wipes his forehead with a polka dotted handkerchief. He smiles miserably.
MR. SCIENCE: (voice breaking) H...hello. Children.
CHILDREN: (bored) Hello, Mr. Science.
MR. SCIENCE: Today, we're going to talk about the food chain. That's when small animals are eaten by larger animals. Can any of you give me an example of part of the food chain?
TIMMY: When a multinational corporation takes over a local business?
MR. SCIENCE: That's right, Timmy. You see - what?
TIMMY: When a multinational corporation takes over a -
MR. SCIENCE: Timmy, where did you learn to speak like that?
TIMMY: I don't know...I heard it on the news, or something...
MR. SCIENCE: Well, I think you ought to have a talk with Mr. Producer after the show. An example of the food chain is a big fish eating a little fish. Have any of you seen a picture of a big fish eating a little fish?
MELODY: No, but I saw Jaws eat a whole boat, once.
MR. SCIENCE: Um, well, that's not really, umm, maybe if I draw it for you...
Mr. Science turns to the blackboard and starts drawing very shaky circles with teeth. Not especially satisfied, he turns back to the children.
MR. SCIENCE: Okay, I think it's time we brought out our very special guest this afternoon. He's a famous Canadian naturalist and author of such books as Never Cry Penguin and A Penguin for the Killing - children, please say hello to Farfle Lofat.
FARFLE enters.
CHILDREN: (really bored) Hello, Mr. Lofat.
FARFLE: Hello, boys and girls. Hello, Mr. Science.
MR. SCIENCE: Hello, Farfle. Tell me, why are you so darned obsessed with penguins?
FARFLE: Well, Mr. Science, my books are about the relationship between men and the environment. I believe that we are just part of the vast spectrum of life on this planet, and that we must learn to coexist with the rest of it. A lot of people think that we can do whatever we want to the planet, that man has a divine right to take and take and take without giving anything back. This is causing us to destroy vast -
MR. SCIENCE: Sure. I see that. But, why penguins?
FARFLE: Because I like penguins. Is there anything wrong with that?
MR. SCIENCE: Oh, no. Not at all.
FARFLE: In fact, I've written a little song about the ecosystem. Would you like to hear it?
MR. SCIENCE: I'd love to, but we don't have the ti -
CHILDREN: Yeah. Yeah. Let's hear your song. Etc.
FARFLE: Okay.Spotlight on Farfle. Up guitars, strobes, et al.
FARFLE: (singing) All your classes will be postponedDown spotlight. End Music. Farfle looks as if he expects applause. Instead, most of the children are quietly sobbing, and Mr. Science is cowering behind the blackboard.
FARFLE: Well, what did you think?
MR. SCIENCE: (sticking his head out) That was horrible! Couldn't you have written a more optimistic song?
FARFLE: That was an optimistic song!
TIMMY: I wanna go home!
MR. SCIENCE: Well, I see that we're just about out of time...
Mr. Science sticks a hand out from behind the blackboard to mop his forehead.
MR. SCIENCE:: I'd like to thank our guest, Farfle Lofat for scaring the pants off of us. Tomorrow we'll be talking about...something more pleasant, I'm sure. Bye.
Curtain.
