Curtain up on the interior of a posh, exclusive club, with tall bookcases in the background and luxurious furniture. The UNITED STATES and FRANCE are having a discussion in one part of the room; RUSSIA and CHINA eye each other with hostility close by.
FRANCE: (petulant) But, if Pakistan gets the bomb, everybody will want one!
UNITED STATES: You're missing the point. If they really have the bomb, what can we possibly do about it?
FRANCE: I'm sure you appreciate the gravity of my situation. The predominantly Hindu country of India and the predominantly Muslim country of Pakistan could blow each other to bits, not to mention the rest of us, if both have nuclear weapons...
UNITED STATES: I guess it's time for a stern diplomatic note, then.
Enter INDIA, stage right.
UNITED STATES: Shh. We can talk about this later. (to India) Hi. How are you?
INDIA: (gloomily) I've been better. Has Israel been in today?
UNITED STATES: Sorry, but Israel still refuses to acknowledge her membership...
INDIA: (distracted) Ah, yes...
India walks off and sits in a chair between Russia and China, sulking.
UNITED STATES: He's taking the news rather hard, isn't he?
FRANCE: Who's next? Switzerland? Belgium? Togo?
FRED enters, stage right.
FRANCE: When I joined this club, I was promised it would be exclusive. If I had known that very nouveau nucleare country in the world would be admitted, I wouldn't have wasted my time.
FRED: I'm sorry you feel that way.
FRANCE: (suspicious) Who are you?
FRED: (pulling up a chair) Fred Dryer of Moosejaw.
FRANCE: Who let you in this club?
FRED: I'm a member. Joined just the other day.
FRANCE: This is really too much!
UNITED STATES: I don't mean to doubt you, Fred, but where would you get a nuclear weapon?
FRED: Bought it second-hand on a trip to New York. Had a hell of a time getting it through Customs, though.
UNITED STATES: Oh...
FRED: Man, you can get anything in New York! (awkward pause) Uhh, have I come at a bad time?
FRANCE: Why would a private citizen want a nuclear weapon?
FRED: Well, I get really annoyed when my neighbours have a party and park their cars in front of my house...
UNITED STATES: (incredulous) Enough to nuke 'em?
FRED: They're ugly old cars - it's not like anybody would miss them. But, no, I don't ever want to employ a weapon of mass destruction - I just want to be able to wield the threat of employing a weapon of mass destruction.
UNITED STATES: Fred, if you're going to belong to this club, you'll have to learn to abide by its rules.
FRED: Rules? I wasn't told about any rules.
UNITED STATES: They're informal rules, of course. Like, you can't nuke every person who takes your parking space or overcharges you for groceries...
FRED: Why not?
FRANCE: Because, everybody would destroy everybody else for all the wrong reasons!
FRED: (snide) Oh. But, just because you're world powers, you've got all the right reasons?
UNITED STATES: Fred, this is serious. Let me explain...
Up MUSIC.
UNITED STATES: (singing) It is a modern realityYou see?
FRED: No, I don't.
UNITED STATES: (singing) When every one is powerfulCHORUS: (singing) The weaker one's response.
UNITED STATES (singing) We can fry ourselves 50 times overCHORUS: Moderate our response.
UNITED STATES: (singing) International relationsFRED: (glum) What's the point of having nuclear weapons if you don't ever intend to use them?
FRANCE: You will be amazed at how you will attract the ladies!
FRED: I wonder if I can get a refund...
Curtain.
