There are thousands of chronically poor people in this country. You may be one and not even know it. If you suspect you or somebody you love is really poor, but aren't entirely sure, check for some of the following signs.
You know you're really poor when your mailing address begins: "The corner of..." You know you're really poor when the ideal role model for your children is Ralph Kramden. You know you're really poor when stories of insider trading on Wall Street no longer seem to affect you personally.
You know you're really poor when you are mentioned by name during a Comic Relief benefit concert. You know you're really poor when your Instant Teller machine throws up your bank card. You know you're really poor when you get sick and Oral Roberts refuses to lay hands on you.
You know you're really poor when you start being able to tell the vintage and breeding of bitters by smelling the brown paper bag. You know you're really poor when a great Christmas present is survival. You know you're really poor when you disgust New York Daily News reporter Jimmy Breslin. You know you're really poor when the policies of insurance companies with a reputation for covering anybody include the phrase: "Except you."
You know you're really poor when building heating grates mean more to you than something to step around when walking own the street.
You know you're really poor when you're the subject of a government feasibility study. You know you're really poor when police officers refuse to roust you, claiming that they have a headache. You know you're really poor when your idea of culture is a guitarist in the subway. You know you're really poor when you think of a matchbook cover when somebody mentions higher education. You know you're really poor when you consider moving forward in the unemployment line a form of "career advancement."
You know you're really poor when Ethiopians return your CARE packages. You know you're really poor when your idea of a gourmet delicacy is Kraft Dinner made with butter instead of margarine. You know you're really poor when the host at a party would rather die than take your coat.
You know you're really poor when your family tree has been badly damaged by acid rain.
You know you're really poor when your Timex doesn't take a licking and keep on ticking.
You know you're really poor when environmental hazards to you are cigarette butts. You know you're really poor when watching drug deals is your idea of a romantic date. You know you're really poor when you think an international incident means getting into an argument with a Russian grocer over whether or not you stole a tomato.
You know you're really poor when the only medicine you can afford is chicken soup. You know you're really poor when your primary source of news isn't television, or even newspapers, but a wino on the corner named Mitch. You know you're really poor when you cross the street in order to take a vacation (especially without a reservation).
You know you're really poor when nobody can be bothered to include you in crime statistics. You know you're really poor when you aren't overly concerned about what happened to the dinosaurs. You know you're really poor when no politician in the world is willing to use you as a photo opportunity.
You know you're really poor when your credit rating makes bankers you've never met before burst out laughing. You know you're really poor when absolutely nobody will tell you your fly is open. You know you're really poor when you can take as much time as you want to stop and smell the roses. You know you're really poor when advertisers can't be bothered to sell their products to you (but, if it's any consolation, the really rich have exactly the same problem).
You know you're really poor when you don't need a fad diet to stay very, very thin.
You know you're really poor when you feel the need to argue about the legitimacy and usefulness of the Oxford Complete Shakespeare. You know you're really poor when the kind of world you're going to leave your children in the future is a lot less compelling than the kind of world they will have to face in the next five minutes.
You know you're really poor when free trade means an exchange of swearing with a taxi driver who nearly ran you over while crossing the street. You know you're really poor when you're more afraid of forgetting who you are than forgetting your phone number. You know you're really poor when you get together with your friends to have a good laugh about the "housing crisis."
You know you're really poor when you no longer believe that the economy is about to turn a corner. You know you're really poor when it no longer matters.
If any of these statements apply to you, for god's sake, get some help!
