"Larry?"
"Bud?"
"It's that time of year again, Larry. The sun is shining, the earth is alive with the sounds of small creatures and happy laughter fills the air. You know what that means?"
"It's springtime?"
"It's Cannes time! Are you going this year?"
"Are you kidding? It's grossly overpriced, there's nowhere to get away from the hordes of journalists ready to pounce on anything that moves, everybody is rude - not to mention the gawking tourists - and most of the best films are impossible to get tickets for. Besides, it's a celluloid meat market, a totally undignified way of doing business. As the bridge player without a point in his hand said, 'I think I'll pass.'"
"I understand completely."
"You do?"
"Yeah. I don't have a film in competition, either."
"Well, Bud, as always, this has been a fascinating conversation. Is that all you wanted to talk to me about?"
"No, Larry. I think I've finally found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, the grail at the end of Arthur's quest, the perfect punchline to a set-up by Ed McMahon. She's the best thing to happen to the entertainment industry since Michael Jackson had reconstruction done on his career! She's got more girl-next-door appeal than Helen Slater, Kelly McGillis and a young Sally Field put together! She -"
"Are you talking about Vanna White?"
"No, of course no - actually, yes. I am. She's solid for one film, with an option for 18 more if it's a hit."
"Can she act?"
"Can Dustin Hoffman play the harmonica? Larry, she hasn't done anything, and already she's the most popular female performer since Madonna! Millions would pay good money to watch her breath for 90 minutes, and you want to know if she can act? Did you see her on the last Bob Hope special?"
"No."
"Then, of course she can act."
"A Bob Hope special ain't exactly a major challenge to anyone's thespian proclivities, Bud. Has she acted in anything else?"
"Well, no..."
"Can she sing and dance?"
"Not that I'm aware of..."
"Does she maybe have a flair for comedy?"
"Hard to tell..."
"Well, what can she do?"
"She...umm...can turn letters on The Wheel of Fortune..."
"Really? Well, as the risk arbitrager looking over his portfolio of junk bonds said, 'I'd hate to stake my future on that.'"
"Hey! Vanna manages to attract 40 million plus viewers to a game show that otherwise wouldn't interest your grandmother - may she rest in peace. If that ain't talent, you tell me what is!"
"I take your point..."
"What we need is the green ligt on a project that will steer her career down the right street. She can't afford any detours at this point in her journey. We'll be in the driver's seat if we can find the right...umm...the right..."
"Vehicle?"
"Exactly. The right vehicle. Do you, like, have anything in the pipeline?"
"Well, I've got a writer working on a remake of Herman Melville's classic, except the whale is replaced by Ahab's landlady. The working title is Moby Bertha. But, I don't think there's a part in it for Vanna White."
"Couldn't you write in a part for her?"
"I wouldn't want to risk destroying the symbolism."
"Oh. Do you have anything else?"
"We're about to start shooting an all-white version of West Side Story, but that's already been cast. I hear Jaws 12 is on the boards, but I'm not sure who's in charge..."
"We'll pass on that, thanks."
"Okay. Oh, CBS is looking for a female companion to Max Headroom. She'll be generated by computer like he was; I think she'll be called Mona Headmush. What do you think about that?"
"Whoa! Talk about clashing cultural icon!"
"I'm afraid that's pretty much it, Bud..."
"But, Larry, think of the sacrifices Vanna has made in order to get her big break. Do you know she uses thousands of fingernails every year? Don't you think that kind of dedication deserves something?"
"Is that covered by Workers' Comp?"
"That's not the point! Can't we get somebody to write a script especially for her?"
"What could they write? Without a better idea of Vanna's talent, all you'll get will be the adventures of a girl next door who travels to the big city to become a glamourous game show hostess."
"I'll take it!"
