Good evening. Our top story tonight: President Ronald Reagan went on nationwide television to admit that he was responsible for the Iran arms deal which, despite all its good intentions, had degenerated into a hostage swap. "I've been a naughty, naughty boy," the Ronster told the nation, "but, if you don't spank me, I promise not to do it again." Then, he dropped a cherry tree on his desk and started giggling. White house sources stated that this was the performance of a "recharged President," and suggested that he originally okayed the deal because his batteries had run down.
In a related story: Fawn Hall, the secretary of Colonel Oliver North, late of the National Security Council, went public with the news that she would be co-starring with First Lady Nancy Reagan in the film version of the scandal, All the President's Women. The Fawnster, an unusually photogenic young woman who has already written a column on White House fashions for Teen Beat, cookie recipes for Women's Day and a step by step guide to shredding government documents for USA Today, is rumoured to be working on a biography, and would like to work with television celebrity Tom Selleck. Her agent has already stopped taking phone calls.
And, speaking of the Nanster, the Tower Commission exonerated her of any wrongdoing in the Iran scandal, as Deadline News reported it would last week, so the press can leave her alone, now. Yes, I'm talking to you, Mister William Safire.
In other news: the White House is seriously considering the latest Russian proposal to limit intermediate ranger missiles in Europe. Officials in the Defense Department were rumoured to have partied long into the night because the proposal was not tied to the Strategic Defense Initiative. However, some Europeans were not enthusiastic. "We cannot limit the number of tactical weapons in Europe," one official, who refused to have his nationality revealed because it had already become the butt of American jokes, said, "If we did, we'd have to spend more money on conventional forces!"
I sleep better at night knowing what the priorities of the leaders of the world are. Don't you?
Democratic Senate Majority Leader Robert Byrd somewhat annoyed environmentalists when he stated that there is no acid rain crisis. "There is no reason to believe," said the Byrdster, "That the problem will become more serious if we do not take immediate and drastic action." With a nod to the energy lobbyists sitting in the back of the room, he added: "I'm not even sure there's such a thing as Canada. I mean, has anybody actually seen this place?"
US Federal District Court Judge Brevard Hand ordered more textbooks removed from public schools, claiming that their secular humanistic basis was a form of religion. The banned books included a grade seven economics text and three Dick and Jane primers. The only books left for Alabama primary and secondary school students are an Atlas and a version of the Oxford English Dictionary with all reference to any form of belief excised.
Despite criticism from other Indian leaders, Peguis band Chief Louis Stevenson staunchly defended his invitation to South African Ambassador Glenn Babb to visit a Manitoba Indian reserve. The Louster - I'm getting tired of this gratuitous disrespect, aren't you? - Chief Stevenson explained: "Who better to defend an oppressed minority than a representative of a repressive majority?"
Yeah, I know - I'm scratching my head over that one, too.
On the local scene: Transport Canada is investigating the lack of ice cream vendors at Pearson International Airport early in the morning. "Some people have been waiting over an hour for a Fudgsicle," one official commented. "That's far too long. If service doesn't improve, we'll let downtown vendors cycle up to the airport!" Transport Minister John Crosbie, who is rumoured to be on a diet, refused to comment.
Imperial Cancer Company, makers of the Cancer In Your Hand line of tobacco products, has seriously peeved Metro's Commissioner of Road Advertising by placing a billboard in the middle of an off ramp on the Gardiner Expressway. In the company's defense, Larry "High Stakes" Player whimpered, "But, we have a permit!"
On the entertainment scene: CTV President Murray Chercover admitted that huge cutbacks in the network's news service were being planned. "There was nothing else to cut," Chercover insisted. "It's not like we produce a lot of other programmes!" In response, the CRTC gave Baton Broadcasting, the owner of CTV stations in Saskatchewan and Toronto, a licence for a station in Ottawa, undoubtedly for being so brave and honest about its intentions.
Talk about being a boy scout! You know, I would gladly give up television if I could have the profits from any CTV station in one year. Hell, in one week.
In sports: Canadian Football League Commissioner Douglas Mitchell announced that the CFL had no plans to merge with the Australian Football League, pointing out that the two games were not in the least similar. Also, despite the imminent demise of the Montreal Alouettes and the continuing financial difficulties of most of the rest of the CFL teams, a schedule featuring all nine teams was released this week. Deadline News has learned, however, that the CFL has contingency schedules in the event that one or more teams should not last the season. My favourite is the two team schedule, which features a home game, an away game and 14 playoff games.
Would the last team standing please turn out the lights?
Don't shed any tears for the Leafs this season - with a name like that, you knew they were headed for a fall. I know that's a terrible joke, but - hey! I only write them, I don't have to read them.
And, now, The Ten Second Science Watch: scientists at the University of Toronto's observatory in the Chilean Andes were the first to discover a recently exploded supernova...well, recently in the sense that the light only just reached us, although the star must have exploded more than 150,000 years ago because light travels at - what? Oh. That's Science Watch for this week.
And, finally: a recent report out of the University of Southern California concluded that the more lawyers a country has, the slower its economy. Other findings indicated that the more politicians a country has, the less sticky buns its people consume, while the more economists a country has, the more toilet paper it uses. For more on the wonderful world of causal relationships, contact the economics department at USC.
Good night.
