"Larry?"
"Bud?"
"I've done it, Larry. I've finally put together the sweetest little picture deal you've ever laid eyes on. It's the kind of deal you would happily sacrifice your credit rating for. It's the kind of deal Orson Welles was looking for, but never found. I mean, Larry, this movie could be so big even Rex Reed would like it! So...do you...do you wanna hear about my deal, or what?"
"Well, Bud, as the convict on Death Row said to the Priest, 'What have I got to lose?'"
"Great. Now, to fully appreciate the magnitude of the deal I have in the works, you have to start by asking yourself, 'Who is the biggest male box office draw today?'"
"Sylvester Stallone?"
"Oh. Yeah. Right. Well...I...I...I don't have him. So, who is the second biggest male box office draw today?"
"Umm...Clint Eastwood. Right?"
"Okay, let's stop playing games. I've got Rutger Hauer committed. He's solid. I had to promise him a hefty percentage, but what the heck - after that wacko boat in the desert movie, he's hot. How hot? Soon as I got him on the line, Jessica Lang, Sissy Spacek and Pia Zadora all expressed an interest in the female lead."
"That's a talented group of performers..."
"Aha! So, you're interested, am I right?"
"Well, as the sadistic telephone operator said to the man who lost his last coin in the payphone, 'It's your dime.'"
"I've got Coppola, Larry. He's solid."
"Francis Ford Coppola has agreed to direct your movie? I am im -"
"Uhh...no. Not exactly. Actually, Carmine Coppola is going to do the music. But, if we can get a solid soundtrack album out, maybe even put a single on the charts, think of how much it would add to the gross!"
"Oh. So, who's directing?"
"You wanna know who is directing? Let me tell you who is directing. Ron Howard is solid if Jessica Lange or Sissy Spacek come on line. If Pia Zadora stars, John Waters has expressed an interest..."
"What if you can't get them?"
"What if I can't get them? I've been in the business for 30 years! What kind of producer would I be if I couldn't get them? A fine kind of producer, right?"
"Well..."
"Look, I talked to Spielberg, but he's producing 87 movies in the next three years, and will only have time to co-direct a film with George Lucas. If all else fails, I'm pretty sure I can get Joan Collins with...Michael Douglas directing."
"Pretty sure?"
"Not to worry. If I need them, they'll be solid."
"That's a lot of talented people. Where are you gonna come up with the money?"
"You wanna know where I'm going to get the money? I don't believe you asked me such a question! Is that really what you asked? You really want to know where I'm going to get the money?"
"Well, as the terminally ill patient told his doctor after he got the bad news, 'I wouldn't have asked if I didn't wanna know."
"My financing is solid. We've got a five year distribution plan that goes from theatre to pay-TV to videocassette to free TV. And, that doesn't include foreign rights. Not only that, but we've got an option on a sequel! I'm telling you, we've already made money and the ink on the contracts isn't even dry!"
"You don't need any money?"
"Not really."
"Then, why did you call me?"
"Now, Larry, is that a nice question to ask? We've been working together for over 20 years, and you ask me such a question? I'm giving you the chance to get in on the ground floor of the best picture deal that's hit this town in the last...ever, and you think I'm hitting you up for money? Is that what our friendship means to you?"
"Well, as the three-legged elephant said to the canary trainer who was hard of hearing, 'I wouldn't have blown up that tire if I had known -"
"Larry, I'm hurt. I really am."
"I'm sorry, Bud. What's this film gonna be about, anyway?"
"What's it about? I don't know. Is that important?"
"You do have a script, don't you?"
"Script? That's the last thing I'm worried about at this point! We'll get some hack to write a scenario for scale. If that doesn't work out, maybe John Cassavetes will improvise something for us..."
"Bud, Bud, you need a script."
"What do I need a script for? I've got a deal!"
