Good evening. Our top story tonight: United States Trade Representative Clayton Yeutter recently outraged Canadian officials, including Prime Minister Brian Mulroney, by making a series of insensitive remarks regarding Canada's cultural sovereignty, including, "I'm prepared to have American culture on the table and have it damaged by Canadian influence after a free trade negotiation. I hope Canada's prepared to take that risk, too." Informed sources within the Prime Minister's Office responded: "Well, sure, we're prepared to allow American free trade negotiators to buy up companies on our stock exchange at bargain basement prices. I hope they're prepared to take that risk, too."
Obviously, Yeutter hasn't gotten an earful from Vice President George Bush, yet.
In a thinly related story: Newfoundlanders were outraged by a Canadian agreement with France which does not ban that country from continuing to illegally fish for vast amounts of cod off the St. Pierre and Miquelon islands in the Atlantic Ocean. The agreement also puts off arbitration of the dispute until at least 1991. Uninformed sources within Newfoundland Premier Brian Peckford's office stated, "We're thinking of inviting Paul Watson of the Sea Shepherd Society to...umm, talk to the French fishermen. That's it. Talk. With his help, I'm sure we could teach them a thing or two about Maritime Law, boy."
And remember, folks: these countries are supposed to be our friends.
In other news: land flip scandal - Oerlikon Aerospace - Andre Bissonette - friends of the Prime Minister - media overkill. Need I say any more?
In keeping with precedents set by previous administrations, Prime Minister Brian Mulroney gained international credibility on his trip through Africa at the same time as his popularity in Canada sank to new lows. Attempting to make light of the situation, he joked, "I would probably be the most popular Prime Minister in Canada if I had been born in Africa!" Unformed resources within the Conservative Party have denied rumours that their candidate in the 1988 federal election will be Kenneth Kaunda.
The ping pong match between President Ronald Reagan and Congress ended this week when both houses - follow this if you can - overwhelmingly overrode the veto of the original passage of the $18 billion Clean Water Act. Uniform horses within the White House responded, "You ain't seen nothing yet! We'll take them two falls out of three on the budget!"
British Columbia Health Minister Peter Dueck said this week that he favoured compulsory blood testing for all residents of his province for Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome. There was no word whether residents who refused to take the tests on the grounds of infringement of privacy would be deported to other provinces, but uniformed Scorseses suggested that suspected AIDS carriers could be kept out of the province if the government erected a high, high wall.
Over 71,000 Canadians applied for visas to the United States when 10,000 non-preference visas were made available, 5,000 to Canadians. Why? Deadline News has learned that, since greyhound Bus Lines suspended its 59 cents to any destination in America seat sale, 40,000 Canadian withdrew their applications.
Former Deputy Prime Minister Erik Neilson was appointed President of the Canadian Transportation Commission only 80 hours after he resigned his seat in Parliament, a new Canadian patronage record. Cuneiform borers have denied reports, however, that from now on Neilson will be known as "Velcro Trips."
On the local scene: a reporter who tested positive for the AIDS virus, but may or may not have the disease, was mobbed by a group of alleged prostitutes, who badgered him with personal questions for over 40 minutes. No motive has so far been uncovered for the melee, but deformed rhinoceroses suggested it was an example of pack prostitution at its very worst.
In sports: the America's Cup yachting race is finally over, so you can wake up now. We'll have those race results just as soon as anybody shows an interest in them.
And, now, a new feature on Deadline News: The Ten Second Science Watch. A new genetic study indicates that every person in the world is descended from one woman who lived 200,000 years ago in Africa...or, maybe Asia. Her name was Myrna Grunt, and her favourite pizza topping was - what? Oh. That's the Ten Second Science Watch for this week.
And, finally: as if more proof that these are times of diminished expectations was needed, Saudi Prince Adnan Khashoggi has fallen on hard times. Last week, France repossessed two jets from him; this week, he's lost his condominium in Manhattan. Now, some people are enjoying how low the billionaire has fallen, but, hey, I'm not one of them. I had a Toyota repossessed in 1978, and I know exactly how humiliating it can feel. Walk tall and proud, Khashog - better days are just around the corner.
Good night.
