"How would you vote in the next Canadian election?"
"Well, I'm not really a political person..."
"That's not very encouraging...if you had to vote in the next Canadian election, who do you think you might vote for?"
"Who do I think I might vote for?"
"You know - guess."
"Oh. Umm...I suppose...in that case...I might vote for...the NDP?" The judge solemnly shook his graying head. "Liberal?" the applicant asked; the judge looked grave. "Now, I want you to think very carefully," he said. "What government is going to grant you Canadian citizenship?"
"The Conservative government?"
"Exactly. So, how do you think you would vote in the next election?"
"Well, when you put it that way, I guess I would vote for the Conservative government."
"Good choice." The judge, satisfied, made notations on a pad that the person who was applying for citizenship could not see. "Damn good choice," the judge ominously muttered. "Too bad it wasn't your first choice..." The applicant squirmed in his seat.
"Excuse me," he mildly protested, "but, what does this have to do with my qualifications for becoming a citizen of your country?"
The judge looked across the table at the applicant, his heavy eyelids twitching in anger. "Possibly everything," he stated. "Possibly everything. Now, in your own words, could you tell me what the proper role of the government in the workings of the economy is?"
The applicant sighed. "To protect the interests of the individual consumer against the power of large corporations?" he suggested.
"How badly did you say you wanted to become a Canadian citizen?"
"Oh, very much. I love this country. I've studied its history and institutions for many months. I speak the language fluently - why, I probably know more about Canada than you do."
The judge was not amused. "Alright, then. You deserve another chance. What is the proper role of government in the workings of the economy?"
The applicant gulped nervously. To...to protect the interests of the large corporations against the power of individual consumers?"
The judge allowed himself a thin smile. "Not quite," he said. "The government has no right to interfere with the workings of the marketplace. It was a trick question, you see. Here...I have something that might...clarify things for you..." The judge reached under the table, produced a book and handed it to the applicant.
"Thank you."
"That will be five bucks. Payable now."
"Oh." The applicant gave the judge the money. The book he had just bought was called 1001 Uses for a Dead Liberal; it was written by Brad Templeton, a senior member of something called Canadians for a Decenter Society. There's a chair in the dining room with one short leg, the applicant thought. I could always put this book to good use there.
"You'll find the book very helpful," the judge stated.
"Just what I was thinking," the applicant agreed.
"Now, how do you feel about capital punishment?"
"Capital punishment is state sanctified murder. Doesn't the bible say that thou shalt not kill?"
The judge looked dismayed. "Oh, dear," he said. "And, here I thought we were finally beginning to understand one another..."
"Oh, well, what I meant to say," the applicant hurriedly corrected himself, "was that, umm, capital punishment is justifiable state sanctioned murder. Right?" The judge was silent. "No, what I really meant to say was that capital punishment is...a necessary tool of social justice. After all, the bible does say an eye for an eye..."
"Okay. I have just one more question."
"Yes?"
"Who is the Prime Minister of Canada?"
"Oh. That's easy enough. Brian Mulroney."
"Good." The judge finished writing on his pad. "Good. Well, you still have a few things to work on, but I like your...enthusiasm. I don't think you'll have any problem get your citizenship..."
"Thank you! Thank you very much!"
"You may find that living in Canada is somewhat different than living where you came from. Nobody here will tell you what to do, where to live or who you should live with. You have complete control over what career you pursue, and nobody will tell you what to believe in, or try to force you to believe what they believe in.
"Enjoy your freedom."
