Even its staunchest supporters agree that democracy's excesses are the stuff of nightmares. I know I often wake up in a pool of sweat every time I dream of Bruno Gerussi as Prime Minister of Canada. In an idle moment, I sometimes imagine that the country has been taken over by Hungary, and that we all have to eat blintzes and borscht six times a week and watch puppet shows on television. And, we've all had the nightmare where Pierre Trudeau returns to politics.
Lately, I've been having a recurring nightmare which keeps me tossing and turning. It starts innocently enough, with a meeting between two members of Parliament. "Hi, Tony," one says.
"Hi, Robert," the other replies. "How's it going?
"Not bad...not bad. How's Margeaux?"
"Great. Just great."
"So...what brings you to the this side of the House of Commons?"
"Actually, I've just quit the Conservative Party..."
"Really? What an amazing coincidence! I've just quit the NDP! Why did you decide to make the change?"
"It was a matter of principle..."
"Oh, of course."
"The House Leader refused to let me have a seat next to the exit. He knows that I have to leave early every afternoon so I won't miss my soaps, but he still wouldn't let me have a seat next to the exit. What choice did I have?"
"Quite."
"What about you? Why did you resign?"
"I was getting flak from the party whip because of my attendance record - miss 279 days and right away you're a pariah!"
"Too true. Too true...still, you know, Tony, I've been having some second thoughts..."
"Second thoughts? You haven't even completely crossed the floor yet, and you're already having second thoughts?"
"I know, but I'm worried about my constituents. They elected a Conservative member of Parliament - is it fair that they should suddenly find themselves with a Liberal MP?"
"We're just following our conscience, Robert."
"Yes, but we can do that within the system. We can have a by-election and run for the seat as a member of our new part -"
"WE CAN NOT DO THAT!"
"Why not?"
"Well, what if...what if we...lose?"
"Then, that may be the price we pay for following our conscience."
"Get a grip, man. The voters put their faith in us when we were elected. They trust our judgement, no matter which side of the House we finally end up on. And, I say, asking for a by-election shows judgement that is just appalling!"
"Would you two gentlemen mind carrying on your private conversation somewhere else? We do have the business of the country to conduct here."
"Yes, Mister Speaker." "Sorry, Mister Speaker."
As bad as this may seem, the nightmare really gets weird when Robert reaches the other side of the House.
"Excuse me, but I was wondering if I could sit with the Liberals?"
"Robert? Long time, no see, guy!"
"Harry? What are you doing here?"
"I joined the Liberal months ago! Don't you remember? I had a falling out with the Treasurer of the Conservative Party?"
"Oh, right. He wouldn't validate your parking tickets."
"Some principles just cannot be jettisoned for party solidarity."
"But, weren't you a member of the New Democrats?"
"For a couple of months. But, the light in their part of the House is pretty bad, so I decided to go with the Liberals. A man has to take a firm stand, after all..."
"Good for you."
"Hi, Robert. Come to join us?"
"Frank? You a Liberal, too?"
"Yep. And Hubert, Jeff and Miguel."
"Ha ha - are there any liberals left in the Liberal Party?"
"Well, there's - no, he joined the New Democrats a couple of weeks ago. How about - no...no. Hmm...you know, I don't believe there are any liberal left in the Liberal Party."
"None?"
"I can't think of any."
"So, everybody now sitting as a Liberal was once a member of another party?"
"That's right."
"Then, who's sitting as Conservatives?"
Democracy in action will always be a wondrous thing to behold!
