Good evening. Our top story tonight: mere months after the worst nuclear disaster to date, Procter and Gamble has announced that it is about to market a new product called Head and Chernobyls. It's a shampoo that P and G guarantees will remove the user's dandruff by ridding him of all body hair, while the Russian government, in keeping with it's new policy of openness, has denied that the product has been released into the marketplace.
In other news: the recent summit between United States President Ronald Reagan and Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbachev - is it fall already? I mean, didn't we just go through this? - ended on a pessimistic note as the two superpowers could not agree on a disarmament package. Through our sources in the Pentagon, Deadline News has received a transcript of some of what went on behind the scenes at the summit.
"Hello, Ronald."
"Hi, Micky."
"Want to make a deal on arms reduction?"
"Sounds good. Why don't we limit nuclear warheads in Europe?"
"Okay. But, what about the Strategic Defense Initiative?"
"The Strategic Defense Initiative? What's that?"
"You call it Star Wars..."
"Oh. Right. I'm sorry, but that's not up for negotiation."
"Oh..." (pause) "I guess we can't come to an agreement, Ronald."
"Well, I guess not, Micky."
We'll have more on the summit situation when the next one develops, which should be any day now.
The Queen's visit to China ended on Saturday, apparently not a moment too soon for the Duke of Edinburgh, who told an American student in Peking that if he stayed there too long, he'd get slitty eyes. Chinese Premier Deng Xiaping, responding to the quip, is reported to have said, "Perhaps, but they're too tall to carry it off."
It's okay - I'm not sure what he meant, either.
Despite the American imposition of a 15 per cent tariff on Canadian lumber, and a proposed tariff on all goods that could cost Canadians as much as two hundred million dollars, International Trade Minister Pat Carney, whose autobiography may be the sleeper of next year's crop of books, refused to suspend free trade talks. According to Carney, the negotiators are presently hard at work trying to find something left to negotiate.
N. Heiser Bush, Vice President of Something Indefinite but Terribly, Terribly Important for CanadaCorp, a wholly owned subsidiary of MultiNatCorp, whose autobiography is classified, offered a business perspective on free trade. According to Bush, the free trade negotiators are presently hard at work trying to find something left to negotiate.
Not to be outdone, Vanna White, co-host of the phenomenally popular game show Wheel of Fortune, gave her thoughts on the subject. According to White, negotiators are presently hard at work trying to find something left to negotiate.
What? Was there a party and I wasn't invited?
Nationally: Canada Post has been quietly removing mailboxes from the country's streets, over 600 in all. Recently, Deadline News obtained a copy of a recent Canada Post memorandum that recommends that all mailboxes be removed, except for one somewhere in Alberta. According to one Canada Post official, who asked not to be named for fear it might reduce the asking price of his autobiography, "That should improve service dramatically, boy!"
Should former Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau return to politics to replace Liberal leader John Turner? According to a recent poll, 23 per cent of Canadians thought Turner should stay, 31 per cent thought Turner should be replaced by Trudeau and 46 per cent thought Turner should be replaced by international video celebrity Max Headroom.
Congratulations, Max; you have my vote.
On the local scene: there was a mild uproar in Ontario's Parliament when it was announced that Clerk for Life (or Until a New Party Gains Power and Forces Me Out) Roderick Lewis was given a perk package worth as much as two million dollars to retire. In defense of his party's decision, Liberal leader David Peterson, who is interested in writing his autobiography but hasn't been asked yet, said, "You should have seen what Lewis originally asked for!"
On the entertainment scene: Canada's Auditor-General Kenneth Dye refused to sign the CBC's audit report, stating that as much as fifty million dollars could not be accounted for. Just this afternoon, however, it was revealed that the missing millions had found its way into a Swiss bank account belonging to someone named Otto Kriegher. If anybody knows who this guy is, the CBC would like to have a few words with him.
And now, a Deadline News editorial. You know, it's often hard to relate to all the various items in a typical newscast to one's life. Sure, nuclear annihilation is a scary thought, but what does it have to do with my need to go shopping after work? I thought it might be appropriate at this time to air my main shopping beef: how come large bags of chips are full of air? Does it make the chips taste better? Is it supposed to create more work for plastic manufacturers? Or, is it, as I have now come to believe, a cheap way to make you think you're getting more than you really are? Didn't they think somebody would notice? Well, that's my opinion, anyway.
In a story a few weeks ago, we reported that Prime Minister Brian Mulroney, whose autobiography probably won't be as interesting as he thinks it will, had told a group of Multiculturalism Council members, who also, coincidentally, happen to belong to his Conservative Party, that, "as long as you continue to support our party, we'll continue to spend your money." Apparently, this was incorrect. However, since this story is old news, we don't feel any overwhelming obligation to correct it.
And, finally: to Nobel Prize winner John Polyani, congratulations. I know the smart money was on the entrants from Sweden, but I was pulling for you all the way, big guy.
Good night.
