Thank you, Sally "IVth" McSally, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we heard that the Trump administration is considering a change to the Endangered Species Act that would define "unicorns" out of existence. Evil bastards! We haven't loved unicorns since some of us were six year-old girls, but we retain a lot of respect for the mythical creatures.
This is why your vote in Tuesday's election is so important. Save the unicorns!
Enjoy,A Fukushima-Level Meltdown That You Don't Have To Leave Iowa To Watch
When Republican Senator Steve King is asked about how his white nationalist ideology differs from the white nationalist ideology of the man who allegedly killed 11 people at the Tree of Life synagogue, people who care about living in a country without fear stoked at the highest levels have to settle.
WHAT YOU WANT: "You know, I have reconsidered my beliefs in the aftermath of the synagogue shooting. This kind of racism only leads to violence. I now absolutely refute both the racism and the violence it leads to."
WHAT YOU'LL SETTLE FOR: "No, no, no. My white nationalism is kinder and gentler than the white nationalism of the synagogue shooter. I don't want all Jews to die - I just want them to go away and never come back. Far, far away. Like, the other side of the world far."
WHAT YOU'LL GET: "No! Do not associate me with that shooter! I knew you were an ambusher when you walked in the room, but there is no basis for that, and you get no question and you get no answer. You're done, we don't play these games here in Iowa. It's not tolerable to accuse me of being associated with a guy who shot 11 people in Pittsburgh...I will not answer your question and I'm not listening to another word you're saying."
SOURCE: The Amazing Chocolate Yummies Blog
[http://www.chocoyummies.net/]
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I Do Not Think That Word Means What You Think It Means
Transcript of the testimony of James Sears, publisher of Your Ward News, on trial for making death threats against Warren and Lisa Kinsella.
LAWYER: You wrote that there was a "chance that some hothead who cares deeply about me and my family would lose it and do something illegal and bludgeon the Kinsellas to death." Is that correct?
JAMES SEARS: Damn straight, I did.
LAWYER: Did you mean it as a threat?
SEARS: Of course not. It was a pun.
LAWYER: A pun?
SEARS: Not a pun?
LAWYER: A pun? Meaning a comic word or phrase where the humour is derived from a small difference in spelling or the double meaning of specific words?
SEARS: Umm...yes? (pause) Okay, no. No, not a pun, then. A...a...a palindrome.
LAWYER: A palindrome?
SEARS: Yeah.
LAWYER: So, you're saying that it's a word or phrase that reads the same backwards as forwards?
SEARS: Yeah. No. You know what I mean.
LAWYER: I'm sorry, but you have to say what you mean. If your article was not a threat, what was it?
SEARS: Oh! Oh! Oh! I know the answer to this one!
LAWYER: Great. And the answer is…?
SEARS: Satire!
LAWYER: Satire?
SEARS: Satire! Absolutely, it was satire!
LAWYER: Thank y -
SEARS: Satire! I wasn't threatening anybody - I was writing satire!
LAWYER: Yes. I think we've heard enough - thank you!
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-7946374864826327230173072840-473418378150637420952-37941479407361395cahs01.html]
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Okay, One More Question: Blexit - Is That A Complexion Cream For Teenagers?
The low information musician Kanye West has renounced his support for Donald Trump, saying: "My eyes are now wide open and I realize that I've been used to spread messages I don't believe in."
This raises many questions, foremost of which is: will we still be able to buy Blexit t-shirts and caps? Oh, and, almost as important: will there be any discounts, like, you know, a going out of business sale or something?
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2018/2018/11/03/blahblahblahxit/]
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Conservatives Are Apostles Of The "What Could Possibly Go Wrong?" School Of Diplomacy - Who Knew?
Former Conservative International Trade Minister Ed Fast has said that Prime Minister Justin Trudeau shouldn't blame his party for a $15 billion light armoured vehicle sale to Saudi Arabia.
"Okay, we negotiated the deal and signed it," Fast explained. "And, we made sure that there were so many penalties to ending the deal that it would cost the country billions to get out of. Billions, I tell you. And, you'd best believe that if Trudeau tried to get out of the deal, we'd be screaming about the lost jobs and the damage to Canada's international reputation.
"But, uhh, having said that, it turns out that the Saudi Arabians are willing to turn the weapons we sell them against their own people. Who knew? They were just the sweetest people...four years ago!"
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
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HINT: It Rhymes With "Defendants"
Vice President...umm...it's on the tip of my tongue… Vice President...no, don't tell me, it - I should know this. I should - Ponce! Mike Ponce! Okay, Vice President Mike Po - no, that's not quite right, either.
Umm...okay, so Vice President [NAME TO BE FILLED IN LATER] was campaigning in Georgia when he heard that Democratic candidate Stacey Abrams had been actively supported by Oprah Winfrey. Naturally, he had to say: "I've got a message for all of Stacey Abrams's liberal Hollywood friends: This ain't Hollywood."
This confused the Absurd Ironyometer. After all, since the election of Donald Trump as President, all of America had become a reality TV programme. Granted, the TV industry is based in New York, so Vice President Plonk (just go with it) could have been getting his coasts mixed up. Unregardless, the point is that politicians who live by the entertainment culture should be prepared to die by the entertainment culture.
The Absurd Ironeyometer made itself a cup of tea and consoled itself with the fact that more people knew who Oprah was than who knew who Vice President Mike...Michael...Mickey? Oh, this is so embarrassing...
SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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Smart Money In Vegas Is On Tragedy
Dr. Jekyll and Mister Vote Hide. At night, Brian Kemp is a mild-mannered candidate for Governor of Georgia. During the day, he drinks a potion that brings out his darkest impulses, making him the kind of Secretary of State who would "lose" tens of thousands of ballots that a court ordered the state to count, then claim that the Democrats were trying to steal the election by hacking into the state's voter registration roll. Can Kemp learn how to live with his two identities, or will this end in tragedy?
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.44.77/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
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