Thank you, Arial Helvetica, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we got into a fewer fucks competition. Ilongo in editorial said that he didn't give two fucks about the fact that Prince William and Meghan Markle are expecting their first child. Bronwyn in printing responded that she didn't give a single fuck about the royal baby announcement. Gordie in the ad sales department said he couldn't give half a fuck about the subject. When she caught wind of what was happening, Huwei in editorial said she didn't give one eighteenth of a fuck about it. Not to be outdone, Masha in editorial said she didn't give two negative fucks about the royal baby announcement.
Two negative fucks? What does that even mean? Is that, like, the same as two positive abstinences?
Royal children make people weird!
Enjoy,You Can't Beat Logic...Unless You Have A Very Big Stick
Radio ad sponsored by the Conservative Party of Canada.
ANNOUNCER: The honourable Andrew Scheer.
SCHEER: I had...a mother. My mother...was a human. Since my mother was human...I am a human. It is just...logic. You had...a mother. Your mother was...a human. Since your mother was a human...you are a human. And, I am...a human. You and I...are a human. Therefore, you and I are the same. Logic. Thank you.
SOUND: cheering crowd.
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-7946374864826327230173072840-473418378150637420952-3794147940736139cahs01.html]
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The Whiz Dumb Of The Elders
INT. SENATE DINING ROOM - DAY
CHUCK GRASSLEY, ORRIN HATCH, MITCH McCONNELL and RAND PAUL are eating at a table together.
CHUCK GRASSLEY: ...the look on Chuck Schumer's face when the Kavanaugh nomination went through? Priceless!
RAND PAUL: Good thing Brett was a great choice for Supreme Court Justice.
GRASSLEY: (laughing) Great choice for the Supreme - oh, kid, that is priceless! You know why I wanted Kavanaugh so badly? I was screwing with the future. I'm 86 - why would I give a shit about somebody who could be on the Supreme Court for the next 40 years? I'm happy if I survive the next 40 minutes!
PAUL: But -
ORRIN HATCH: Listen to your elders, son. I may be younger than Chuck by a couple of years, but my biggest concern in the morning isn't whether I can help stack the Supreme Court with conservatives for the next couple of generations - it's whether I'll be able to make it through the day's hearings without wetting myself! Screw the future! It's not like I'm going to live there!
MITCH McCONNELL: Speak for yourself, you big babies. I expect to be around for the next 40 years!
GRASSLEY: (rolling eyes) Oh, please! You'll be 116!
McCONNELL: You need to have faith in science.
HATCH: Like, climate science?
McCONNELL: You need to have faith in some science. I didn't say you had to have faith in all science!
PAUL: But...what about your children and...and...and grandchildren? Don't you care about the world you're leaving them?
GRASSLEY: What, that bunch of ungrateful freeloaders? Screw 'em!
HATCH: My children only call when they want money or a favourable appropriations bill! Kavanaugh will show them that they messed with the wrong patriarch!
PAUL: (turns to the camera) Wow. And, I thought I was aloof and uncaring! I'm obviously going to have to up my game!
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227701]
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What Makes You Think "Real" Victims Are Being Taken As Seriously As They Should Be Now?
SOURCE: Ending Trending Web Site
[http://endingtrending.blurgh/real-victims-like-the-accused-abusers?/]
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A Colorado bowling alley owner was killed when he was impaled in a pin-setting machine. Nobody knows how he got in the machine.
In other sports news, a golf fan in Paris was blinded when she was hit in the eye by a shot at the Ryder Cup.
All of which goes to prove what I've been saying for years: sports is bad for your health! If you want to live a long life, stay away from sports! Far, far away!
SOURCE: Jennifer's Brain Blorts
[http://weblogger.brainblorts.home.html]
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Pell Is Other People
Claimed Cardinal George Pell, a priest accused of sexually abusing young people.
Do you think that God really makes such calculations? Do you think He makes those weighing scales motions with his hands and goes, "Hmm...abortion or sexually abusing young people? Sexually abusing young people or abortion? Tough one. A or SAYP? SAYP or A?" Then, hitting Himself in the forehead, he says, "Oh, wait - I hate women. Obviously, abortion is worse than sexually abusing young people!"
Yeah. Seems unlikely to me, too.
I'm not really sure how the third ranking person in the Vatican thinks that this statement is somehow a defense of what he has been accused of. It's like having to choose between brain cancer and bubonic plague - it's still sexual abuse of young people!
How a man with such a damaged moral compass becomes an important spiritual adviser in the real world is a mystery. That men like him become spiritual advisers in the basket of deplorables is less a mystery than an inevitability
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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As Long As The Candles Weren't Sticks Of Dynamite...
To celebrate the 17th anniversary of American involvement in the war in Afghanistan, the three top officials in Kandahar Province were killed when their own guards opened fire on them at a security conference."
Secretary of State Mike Pompeo responded, "We would have preferred a cake."
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2018Oct19.html]
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The Driving In Snow Kind?
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1276533039]
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They Could Get Better Ratings Running Murdoch Mysteries, Although It Would Be A Close Thing...
The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation has announced that it will not air live coverage of the Toronto municipal election, but will, instead, be posting updates to social media. The move was met with intense anger...SOURCE: EEE!Talk
[http://www.etv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/show/ETVShows/1053802925838_5923176]
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Speak Microsoftly, And Carry A Big Schtick
The co-founder of Microsoft who helped usher in the personal computing revolution has died at the age of 65 of non-Hodgkins lymphoma. It is Paul G. Allen's world - he just no longer lives in it.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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