The Daily Me – Dan Roustaboutski

Thank you, Dan Roustaboutski, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, Seth Rogen told us to get our bag off the seat next to us in the TTC. And, we thought, we've loved you since we first saw you on Freaks and Geeks, so of course we'll do whatever you say, Seth Rogen! Then, as the voice of the public transit system, he continued: and be good to your mothers, because they sacrificed so much to get you where you are today. And, we thought, Ooookay, Seth Rogen. That's a strange message for the voice of the public transit system to give, but you were pretty good in Pineapple Express, so let's go with that. Just as we were settling in, Rogen added: oh, and be good to everybody around you. Nobody likes a racist or sexist douchenozzle. And, we thought, Come on, Seth Rogen! You starred in Green Hornet, for Gord's sake! Why should we take anything you say on the TTC's PA system seriously‽

The Flowers That Die In The May, Tra La

British International Trade Secretary Liam Fox recently warned that, "The intransigence of the [European Union] commission is pushing us towards no deal" on Brexit. So, if prices for goods in the UK skyrocketed while the value of the pound plummeted, it would not be the Conservatives fault.

"This won't be the case if everybody gets behind my proposal for a soft exit from the EU," pointed out Prime Minister Theresa May.

"Bollocks!" bollixed Tory MP and part-time table lamp (with a burnt out bulb) Jacob Rees-Mogg. "The EU needs the UK more than the UK needs the...the...what acronym am I on, again? Okay, that's not important. What is important is that a hard exit is what the country voted for, and a hard exit is what we are required to give them!"

"That's not a negotiating position," May countered, "it's economic suicide!"

"Pish tosh!" Rees-Mogg pish toshed her. "We're either out or we're not. This is no time to be wishy washy! Especially not the washy bit!"

"So, umm, yeah," Fox summed up. "If we don't get a deal, it will be the European Union's fault!"

SOURCE: The Smarmian

[http://www.thesmarmian.com/world/2018/aug/09/aspiring-to-the-condition-of-python]
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Qraziness Easily Demonstrated

The commutative rule of political comparisons posits that: if a politician is compared to a second politician and a third politician is compared to either of them, you can infer the relationship between the third and the politician it hasn't been compared to yet.

EXAMPLE:

SOURCE: Politics For Dummies

[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=959&dir=bb]
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Ah, You Gotta Love The Old Ball And Chain Migration!

One day after President Donald Trump tweeted about how much he hated "chain migration" (the alt-right term for what the rest of us refer to as "family reunification," the practice of allowing eligible family members of immigrants who become US citizens to themselves come to the country and become citizens), Amalija and Victor Knavs were sworn in as US citizens. The Knavs are, of course, the parents of Trump's current wife, Melania.

Is this some strange, passive-aggressive way of getting back at the First Lady for snubbing him going down the ramp of Air Force One? Or, is it just a bizarre in-law joke waiting to be made?

SOURCE: Down to the Newswire

[http://www.downtothenewswire.pl/1/11/Artykul/2001235,Trump-uhoh]
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Deer Heart!

In response to violence in the city of Toronto, Ontario Premier Doug Ford has stated his opposition to banning the private ownership of guns.

"Imagine you're being stalked by a rabid deer," Premier Ford said. "Maybe the deer is a drug dealing gang member. Maybe the deer is a mugger. It's crazy what deer get up to in our inner cities. If the deer follows you into a dark alley, you'll need that snub-nosed 45 to defend yourself! Believe me, a handgun is a much better method of self-defense than a thousand speeches on civil rights!"

SOURCE: Toronto Startle

[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088591231813
&call_pageid=968335278492&col=966666672157]
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Sayanara Scholarship

Tokyo Medical University has been altering entrance exam results in order to limit the number of women allowed into its programme. An investigation found that the school reduced all applicants' first-stage test scores by 20 per cent, then raised the scores for male applicants by at least 20 per cent, except for those who had previously failed the test at least four times.

This means that qualified female students were rejected while men who had failed the test three previous times were accepted.

"It is a known medical fact that people with ovaries – note that I am not naming a specific group – are too emotional to be able to deal properly with medical emergencies," argued Mamoru Suzuki, former President of the private school who had to resign because of a whole other scandal. "We were just applying sound scientific princi – sound scientific pri – prin – *SOB*, what is going to happ – what have we – oh, my! Oh, my! Oh, my!"

SOURCE: The Medical-Industrial Complex

[http://www.medical-industrial-complex.org/journals/micx/insecure_ejaculators_syndrome/secure/2_pds.htm]
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Sounds Like Quite The Life

Douglas Grindstaff has died at the age of 87. He was an Emmy award-winning sound editor who contributed effects to Mission: Impossible, Max Headroom and Star Trek.

Hwah-hwah-hwah hroooo-wheee-rooooooo shoo-whoosh!

SOURCE: Obits 'R Us

[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Did You Just Make Up An Organization Called The World Coalition Against Islam?

They just wanted to exercise their right to talk about how Muslims are destroying the fabric of Canadian society by demanding that the country treat everybody equally. Yet, the three freedom fighters couldn't even make it out of Toronto City Hall because of hundreds of antifa goons singing songs and chanting cutesy rhyming slogans at them.

"It was horrible!" Sandra Solomon reasonably ranted. "Those George Soros sponsored anti-Semitic bastards wouldn't let us go outside and make speeches about how more people like them shouldn't be allowed into the country! And, what happened to the Anti-Islamic Soldiers for Christ's Love? The My Freedom of Speech is More Important than Your Personal Safety Alliance? The World Coalition Against Islam? Where Were They? Cowards! All of them!"

When asked how it felt to be protecting an empty space, a police officer (one of at least 50) who stood inside barricades just outside City Hall shrugged and said, "Honestly, on a day as beautiful as today, I'd rather be at my cottage. But, if you're gonna give me time and a half, there are worse things that you can ask me to do than watch a vacant patch of Nathan Phillips Square!"

SOURCE: Toronto Stunned

[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2018/08/12/509727.html]
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