Thank you, Orville Amberpecker, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we thought to ourselves: What if everything we thought we knew about the world was wrong? What if Hillary Clinton really did have people (by which we mean: men) killed because they made bad jokes about how her menstrual cycle (which she no longer even experiences) would affect her presidenting? What if the other democracies in the world were really plotting the destruction of the United States of America, while the planet's most vicious dictators were actually the country's BFFs? What if the wall along the border with Mexico had not only already been built, but had already saved thousands of American lives? Somehow?
How much easier our lives would be if we could believe what the American President said again! It occurred to us that we would likely lose all of our friends if we did this. On the other hand, we would gain a whole new set of friends, friends who would stand by us in times of need (which we would all be going through soon enough), friends with names like Bubba and Skeeter and The Big Hurt Locker. As long as we weren't black (which none of us are). Or, Jewish (which a small, easily ignored number of us are). Or. women (which some of us are, but the next time they go on mat leave, we can always see to it that they don't have jobs when they come back).
It was a lovely dream, a comforting dream, a dream we wanted to just sink deep into so that we would never have to think for ourselves ever again...for all of three seconds. Then, we thought, Oh, wait. This would mean we would have to take Rob Doocy seriously, wouldn't it? * GROAN * That's a deal breaker right there!
If only we had a higher tolerance for flatulousness!
Enjoy,The World Would Be A Much Better Place If Only Boris Would Stop Playing With His Johnson...
Boris Johnson, the toupee that walked like a man, has excoriated (which is not a skin condition, no matter how it sounds - a pity, really, since that means there is no cream for the condition) the British government of Theresa May for having a desire to maintain ties with the European Union after it leaves.
"That will mitigate the suffering of Britons, especially the poorest among us," Johnson argued. "How could anybody in their right mind believe that that could in any way be good for the country?"
When asked why he thought everybody in the UK should suffer, Johnson stated, "You may think that it has something to do with our colonial past, guilt for all the suffering we've caused other people throughout the last few centuries. I assure you that that's not the case. It's more a matter of having had a miserable childhood, disdained by cold, distant parents and made fun of by other children and oooh, maybe that really was truth serum!"
SOURCE: The Smarmian
[http://www.thesmarmian.com/world/2018/jul/20/boris-no-more-us]
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Doesn't Expect To Be Paid A Lot Of Dough
JOB WANTED
Seeking employment as a brand mascot. Is soft, white and has own chef's hat. When poked, stomach pops back out. Was known as the Pillsbury Doughboy, feels he has been around long enough to be referred to as the Doughman. Willing to work for flour. Will not work with anybody named Duncan or Betty. Reply: BOX 80804.
SOURCE: Your Guide To Getting Jobbed
[http://on.ygtgj.com/listings/146838.qrhtml]
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Adrian Cronauer, the military radio host who inspired Robin Williams' performance in Good Morning, Vietnam, has died at the age of 79 from an age-related-illness.
Gooooood moooooooorning afterrrrrrrrrrliiiiiiiiiiiiiife!
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Ontario Premier Doug Ford says that he cancelled the high school sex ed curriculum because the process by which it was arrived at was flawed. So, in order to counter a policy in which he claims too few people were consulted, Premier Ford initiated a policy in which nobody was consulted?
"Umm, yeah, about that..." Premier Ford commented. "Did you know that Kathleen Wynne was gay?" Then, he stuck his chin out, daring anybody to contradict him.
SOURCE: NOW and THEN
[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=243682]
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Berlin?
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1306278658]
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Python! It's A Comedy Troupe! Can I Help It If I Take Everything Comedically‽
A man with a python hidden inside an external hard drive was stopped from boarding a Florida plane headed for Barbados.
"No, no, you've got it all wrong," protested Fred "Baldie" Balducci as he was led away from the airport in handcuffs. "Python. It's a programming language! Can I help it if I take everything literally‽"
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/110711/geeklynews/01herpetologistshahaha.htm]
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Unnoticed In All The Uproar Is That Cagle Also Said He Would Stick The Needle Into The Arms Of Death Row Inmates And Suffocate Them To Death With A Pillow If The Chemical Poison Didn't Do Its Job
Vice President Mike Pence, the self-righteous attitude that fawned like a mouse, was in Georgia (the American state, not...another place somewhere else) to campaign for Republican gubernatorial candidate Brian Kemp in the final days of the GOP's primary run-off. Brian Kemp. The candidate who once said: "I got a big truck, just in case I need to round up criminal illegals and take 'em home myself."
"That's nothing!" responded Kemp's opponent, Casey Cagle, Georgia's Republican lieutenant governor. "If I get the nomination, I will personally go down to the border and pull immigrant infants away from breast-feeding mothers! Then, I will drive the bus full of babies to the prison where they will be kept until they are adopted, and I will throw them in cages and make sure that they are poorly fed and don't get any medical attention that they may need!"
"Yeeah, Casey's just pandering, now," Kemp sneered. "I have seen him breast-feed immigrant babies - and he really expects voters to believe that all of a sudden he will be tough on immigrants? Please!"
Vice President Pence smiled sublimely, but you could just tell he was thinking: The things I do to become president!
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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