Thank you, Monash Moonie, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we wondered: has the band Happy Mondays ever sung the song "Blue Monday?" Or, would that cause some irreparable breach in the space-time continuum?
Enjoy,Being An Ambulatory Godwin's Law Violation Must Make You A Hit At Parties
Living in the Basket of Deplorables is a lot like living in Alice's Wonderland. Except for the part where a red queen screams, "Off with his head!" (although Vladimir Putin is giving it his best shot). And, okay, nobody in the BoD smokes a hookah pipe, not even caterpillars (they inject the stupid directly into their eyeballs - one quickly gets used to the burn). And, no, nobody's playing chess - most of the people in the Basket have not evolved beyond War (don't ask any of the cards how they feel about that unless you've got an hour to kill!).
Alright, living in the Basket of Deplorable is not very much like living in Alice's Wonderland except for the part where everybody believes that "words mean what I want them to mean." So, for example, when Republican Congressnozzle (the "douche" is implied) Peter King talks about anti-racism protesters, he feels no cognitive dissonance when he compares them to Nazis. (Some psychologists believe one has to cognate in order for dissonance to occur, but they're just being churlish because their latest paper was rejected by the Journal of Latent Obviousness C.)
At first blush (something King hasn't done since he was still in the womb, although he has argued that the ultrasounds that showed it were doctored by Hamas, which was funded by George Soros for...reasons), King seems a perfect candidate to be a lead character in an episode of The Twilight Zone. Even if he did find himself in a Concentration Camp, though, his response would likely be, "You think this is bad? You ever heard of a little thing called Black Lives Matter? Now, they're evil!"
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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If He Sounds Like A Demented Parrot On Crack, It's Only Because...Because...Because...Damn Liberal Media Bias!
Having watched a solid lead in the polls evaporate, the Ontario Conservatives, whose leader pledged to release a fully detailed fiscal platform, released their fully detailed fiscal platform yesterday. It was a single sheet of paper that read: "We're going to do some stuff. It's gonna cost some money."
When challenged on the paupercity of detail, Conservative leader Doug Ford retorted, "I didn't break my promise at a - look, we're going to balance - put money back in the taxpayer's pock - buck a beer. Buck a beer! Buck a beer!"
Then, he rushed back to the campaign bus muttering, "Damn liberal media bias!"
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2005/01/22/509727.html]
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Duplantis, Warts (And All)
The Ballad of Jesse DuplantisSOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/787.html]
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Our Network Does Not Tolerate Racists, Barr None!
When news about Roseanne Barr's support for birtherism, the belief that former President Barack Obama was a Kenyan born Muslim who was not legitimately President, surfaced in the media, her first impulse was to apologize and say that she was swearing off Twitter. Two minutes and thirty-seven seconds later, she sent out a tweet claiming that her birtherism was a result of taking the sleep drug Ambien.
In response, Sanofi, the manufacturer of Ambien, wrote, "There are 237 known side effects of Ambien. If you've ever seen our TV ads, you can probably quote them all in your sleep. Racism is not one of them. Especially racism that lasts over eight years."
As a result of the kerfuffle, ABC has cancelled the second season of Roseanne, one of the biggest series on television this season. "If she had only been racist for three or four years, we may have been able to overlook it," said Walt Disney Chief Executive Robert Iger. "But, eight years of racist remarks? That was just not in keeping with ABC's family friendly reputation!"
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Yeeeeeeah, Justin, Ontario Didn't Have A Lot Of Luck With Common Sense, So You Might Want To Rethink How You Phrased That...
One day after the United States ended its exemption on tariffs on Canadian, Mexican and European Union steel and aluminum imports, Canada imposed tariffs on American goods equal to those the US had placed on Canadian goods. "We have to believe at some point common sense will prevail. But we see no sign of that in the US action today," Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau stated.
President Donald Trump was confused. "Can they do that?" he whinged. "They're Canadians. Canadians are nice guys. They don't put tariffs on goods from other countries just because the other countries put tariffs on their goods first. What's nice about that? Can they do that? Really?"
Trudeau seemed especially incensed (although not concomitantly pepperminted) by the American rationale for the trade move: national security. "Canadian steel and aluminum are used to build US fighter jets," the Prime Minister pointed out. "It doesn't get any more national securitier than that!"
In response, US Trade Czar Robert Lighthizer said, "When the President heard that your Prime Minister engaged in 'sunny ways,' he thought people were saying that the PM engaged in 'Sunni ways.' You can understand, therefore, why he considered Canada a national security threat."
Historians will debate whether or not Trade Czar Lighthizer's ability to say this with a straight face was to his credit.
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=4963ccd7-f6f3-4f4f-9f21-a2eb4cc6a597]
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