Thank you, Meghan Manitoulin, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we were told we had to update out Terms of Abuse Policy. We thought we were good: Bubba, the guy in the alley next to our offices who we sell your private information to, assured us that he only used it to kittens. And, we believed him. Because kittens. But, apparently, the European Union does not love kittens as much as we do, because it insists that we change the way we deal with Bubba. Here are some of the changes:
We hope the European Union is happy. Because the kittens belonging to Bubba in the alley next to our offices sure as heck aren't!
Enjoy,He Should Have Gone For A Stole Rather Than A Wrap
Renaldo "Metaphorical" Pence was being investigated for assault with a moderately harmful, but generally believed to be nasty weapon and smuggling improperly inflated footballs across state lines when he turned to the lead police officer and said, "I would very respectfully encourage you to bring your work to completion."
Oddly enough, the lead police officer said, "No."
During his trial, Pence repeatedly burst out with interruptions like, "I think it's time to wrap this up," "I really think it's time to wrap this up," and, "Can we get a move on the whole wrapping this up, thing, please?" Not surprisingly, Judge Perficio Addendum warned him that one more outburst like that and he would have contempt of court added to his charges.
It is anybody's guess what Pence will say at his appeal hearing.
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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There Was No Word On Whether The Nudes On Display Were Clothed To Compensate
The Palais de Tokyo Art Museum in Paris held its first nude tour of exhibits on May 5. You read that correctly: visitors to the museum were completely naked. Goose pimples abounded in the air conditioned building.
"I have never appreciated art more than I did when I went through the museum with a bunch of people without their clothes on!" enthused Marceline von Stouffers. "I mean, I was too embarrassed to look at the bodies of the people I was with - eww! The only place I felt comfortable looking was directly at the installations!"
SOURCE: Art Splorts
[http://www.artsplorts.com/diary/id=9473]
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The Business Of America Is Monkey Business
Facing a shortage of skilled workers, the Department of Homeland Security will issue 15,000 additional guest worker visas for 2018. Many of these workers will come from... * SHUDDER * Latin American countries.
"These aren't the animals I was talking about," President Trump said of the people who are necessary to keep seafood, tourism, landscaping, construction and other industries going. "They're civilized animals. They wear suits and ties and watch PBS and hardly ever terrorize ordinary Americans!"
SOURCE: Wall Street Infernal
[http://online.wsi.com/article/0,,SB113453397495558494,99.html?mod=home_whats_new_which_u]
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Have You Not Seen The Napkin?
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1374207038]
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President Trump has attacked Indiana Democratic Senator Joe Donnelly, claiming that he would "do whatever Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi tell him to do."
Considering the lobotomized look in the eyes of Congressional Republicans, who almost always do what the President demands of them and almost never speak out against him, the Absurd Ironyometer thought this would be a good time to work on its spit take. It had always gone for a clean arc, but felt that it might be more effective to go for the distance and spread of a well executed spray.
The Absurd Ironyometer vowed to study more Jack Benny and Stephen Colbert videos.
SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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Trump Doesn't Even Like The Sport - He's More Into Full Contact Tiddly Winks
Bowing (but not kneeling) to pressure from President Trump, the National Football League has announced that it will fine any team that allows its players to do anything but stand ramrod straight and salute during the playing of the national anthem before games. Players are free to do whatever unnatural acts they choose in the locker room during the anthem, but if they are on the field, you know the drill.
Players who want to silently comment during the anthem have missed a golden opportunity. If they had just said that they were kneeling because they were suffering from brain injuries they incurred while playing the game, the league would never have acknowledged their actions!
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml.htm#55538133666]
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"Couldn't You Let Me Savour The Moment Just A Little Bit Longer?"
The Trump administration has launched an investigation into whether foreign auto sales are a threat to the national security of the United States. The fact that half the autos sold in the US are produced in other countries is a threat to national security because...because...because the President said so, so shut up!
In response, Canadian Minister of Foreign Affairs Chrystia Freeland stated, "They think we're a threat to them? In any way? I...I never thought I'd live to see the day! I mean, mostly, they just assume we'll go along with whatever silly wars they've gotten themselves into and otherwise ignore us. A threat to their national security? Wow! Just - wow!"
Then, she cleared her throat and added, "But, uhh, the allegations are absurd. We will fight this unwarranted attack on our auto industry with all the trade tools at our disposal!" Most journalists missed her subsequent wistful sigh...
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20180524.eladvote0524_@/BNStory/newsOops2018/]
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