Thank you, Natasha Bloode-Lush, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we did our best to wangle an invitation to the wedding of the year - possibly of the millennium! To no avail - we were obviously not sufficiently upper crusty. :-( We decided to celebrate anyway because, well, we didn't have anything else planned that week. So, we bought the commemorative plates. We found an advance copy of the menu online and bought less expensive versions of the dinner feaststuffs. We cut the faces of the bride and groom out of the newspaper, enlarged them and made the pixelated mess into masks on sticks. Popsicle sticks, but still. Yet, despite our best efforts, not being in attendance at the wedding just made us lose our enthusiasm for Petrucio and Alameida's nuptials.
What? We were talking about the wedding of Petrucio Gorgonzola and Alameida von Fibberblister, the hot power couple of Dingle Dell. Why? Is there another wedding happening this week that we should know about?
Enjoy,Just Call Him Canute Rockne
Supporters of the Trump administration have claimed that the tide of the Yellow Sea going out last night was caused by the President's tweets calling it "pathetical lil wannabe ocean" and threatening to "rain death and destruction not seen since the death of Cecil B. Demillions [sic] down on it" if it doesn't "smarten up."
"This is another example of the President's foreign policy bearing fruit!" exulted White House spokesobfuscator Sarah Huckabee-Sanders. "He's a force of nature!"
People who actually know how the solar system works were skeptical.
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/newyork/2018-05-04-neither-tide-nor-time_x.htm]
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Well, Isn't He Just A Desmarais Of Sunshine?
What is it about scandal that turns otherwise brilliant corporate executives into mumbling morons?
Speaking about the future of Power Corporation, Paul Desmarais explained that he would like to spend at least $10 billion over the next five years to bolster the company's core business. "We will have the opportunity to be one of the big consolidators" in the retirement savings business, he explained.
When asked about allegations that LafargeHolcim Ltd., the largest cement producer in the world which is partially owned by Power Corporation, paid members of Islamic State to keep a factory in Syria open as the country plinged into war, his response was quite different. "Aaiiiiieeee!" Desmarais shouted. "Gooby gooby gumdrops! Me not know anything! Acra balacra! Processes was established! Processes! Pocesses! Presses! Sezes! Zzzzzz!"
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=21ddccd7-f6f3-4f4f-9f00-a2eb4cc6a386]
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Share And Share - UNLIKE!
Canada recorded its strongest wage growth in six years in April, giving the Bank of Canada more evidence that the country's job market is robust. It's the subject of a recent complaint filed by Fawcett to the Ministry of Labour after realizing he was not receiving public holiday pay and vacation during his temp agency contract at a Toronto-based Scotiabank.
"This data reinforces that the labour market is quite strong and probably the Canadian economy doesn't need the amount of stimulus that is in place right now," Mr. Nye said. "Unless we ensure client companies are fully held responsible for all working conditions, wages and health and safety...it's very easy for someone like Scotiabank to say, 'it's not my problem,'" she said.
SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups
[http://politicalmashups.seeblogspotrun.com/]
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...You Try To Fool People Into Thinking You're Somebody Else Doing Something Else?
The data firm at the centre of Facebook's privacy is declaring bankruptcy and closing up shop. In a statement, Cambridge Analytica said that it had been unfairly "vilified" for actions it claims are legal and widely accepted as part of online advertising.
In its place, a new company will be founded and staffed by all of the main employees of Cambridge Analytica. The company will be called Schmambridge Schmanalytica. Will it focus on analyzing meta-data collected from social media sites?
"Well, you know," the statement stated, "when you've got a good thing going..."
SOURCE: Economics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummies/home.asp?did=591&dir=bb]
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We Really Enjoy The All-you-can-eat Repeal And Replace Shrimp Bar, But, Uhh, That Isn't It, Either...
Pugnacious Conservative Party leader Doug Ford has repeatedly stated on the campaign trail that he intended to "repeal and replace" Ontario's sex-ed curriculum. And, we thought, hmm? Where have we heard that before?
Was it Caligula, who vowed to repeal and replace laws barring equines from being members of the Senate? No, that wasn't it.
Was it, perhaps, Marie Antoinette, who pledged to repeal and replace laws that limited the amount of cake peasants could eat? That certainly sounded like something she would do, but that wasn't it either.
Could it have been Samuel Adams, who promised to repeal and replace the British tax on American tea? Actually, he did do that, but we're pretty sure it was without the modern rhetoric.
This is sillly. Really - it's on the tips of our tongues. Give us some time. We'll figure it out...
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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Gina Haspel, President Trump's nominee to head the CIA, said in her confirmation hearing that when she was in charge of a secret prison where an Al Qaeda suspect was waterboarded, she and other spies were working within the law. The law? Really? Not national or international law. The law of the jungle, maybe. Perhaps the legal opinion of Jude Law - I have no idea what she was talking about.
In addition to torturing suspects, Haspel also conveyed the order to destroy videotapes of the torture sessions. "I tried to erase everything but 18 minutes to make it easier for historians to draw ironic parallels," she explained, "but, with 92 interrogations, each suspect would have had less time on screen than any of the heroes in Avengers: Infinity War!"
Republicans laughed, although it was clear by the looks on most of their faces that they didn't get the reference.
SOURCE: Cohan
[http://teamcoho.com/video/monologue-05-09-15]
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Wouldn't Any Proportion Of Deaths Be Considered Proportionate?
A federal probe has found no hard evidence Canadian-made armoured vehicles were used by the Saudi Arabian government to commit human rights violations. "Well, yeah, okay, so turrets and light weaponry were not part of original specifications," the report allowed. "Haven't you ever turbo-charged the family van? It doesn't mean you intend to use it to compete in the Indy 500!"
The report went on to say that video of attacks on civilians in Awamiyah, a minority Shia Muslim area, showed that they were "proportionate." That makes no sense. If the civilians were using tanks against the army, how could they still be considered civilians?
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20180502.eladvote0502_@/BNStory/newsOops2018/]
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