Thank you, Le Clanche du Rand, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we were offered a pair of tickets to see the Met Opera's production of Rossini's Semiramide, but we passed. We never want to see anything half-baked, especially where fully loaded tenors are concerned, so we're holding out for tickets to Fullramide.
Enjoy,When Teachers Have Guns, Guns Will Teach Us A Lot
In the worst school shooting in Vesampuccerian history, 47 students were killed and at least 79 were injured at Peaceful Valley High.
Principal Otis Skinnerinnergame heard what he thought were shots being fired during recess, and emerged from his office with his semi-automatic rifle blazing. Science teacher Didec Slavocrustasha, hearing the shots, fired into the hallway with his two pistols, Tararantino-style. Math teacher Silvia Bonavivucce, hearing a gun battle in the halls of her school, opened the door to her classroom just long enough to toss out a couple of incendiary grenades she just happened to have left over from Christmas.
Then, it was on.
Sensing the carnage, Security Guard Feldstone Aragulastan refused to return to the building from his 3:30 in the afternoon lunch break. "I...I got bone spurs, man," Aragulastan explained. "I'm allergic to bullets! My, uhh, thoughts and prayers are with everybody who...who...who - I quit!"
Oddly, one might say ironically if one was literarily inclined - or just cruel - the sound which instigated the slaughter was a series of firecrackers that had been brought to the school for an early Independence Day celebration.
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=39322871310441319683fx]
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SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1302534588]
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As Rehabilitations Go, It Was A F*cking Piece of Sh*t Waste Of Time
Anthony Scaramucci, former White House communications director, has scolded President Trump for his adversarial relationship with the press. "I don't think it's good for him personally, and it's not good for the presidency," Scaramucci said, adding for good measure that it wasn't good for the country.
The Absurd Ironyometer hit itself in the head with a hardcover copy of Emma Byrne's Swearing is Good For You in the hope that it would knock out any memories of Scaramucci's previous profanity-laden assessments of the press. Unfortunately, it couldn't erase the memory of Scaramucci suggesting that MSNBC's Rachel Maddow "a suppository" to combat her "Trump Derangement Syndrome," which only took place days ago, but the Absurd Ironyometer was rewarded for its efforts by passing out and becoming blissfully unaware of anything.
SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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We Ask You: A Former Drug Dealer Who Panders To The People's Worst Instincts - Is THAT A Good Look For A Provincial Leader?
In a bitterly contested...umm, contest Doug Ford has been chosen as the leader of Ontario's Progressive Conservative Party. His first move was to drop the word "Progressive" from the party's name.
"I break out in hives whenever I have to say...that word," Ford explained. "When I sign a document with...that word in the letterhead, my fingers go all tingly and my hand goes numb. I ask you: a bum hand and hives - is that a good look for a provincial party leader?"
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2005/01/22/509727.html]
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All That Le Pent Up Emotion, For What?
Marine Le Pen, leader of the racist National Front has done some housecleaning since the party's defeat in the last French election.
She has, for example, suggested the name of the party be changed. Possibilities for a new name include: the National Side; the National Close to the Front But Not Quite There; the National Far From the Front, but With Aspirations; the National Rearguard Action; the National Inching Forward Towards an Uncertain Destiny Which May or May Not Be at the Front; the National Party of Immigrant Hating, Ignorance and Bas Cuisine; and, the National Fred. Oddly enough, members have not warmed to any of the proposed new names for the party, although the National Party of Immigrant Hating, Ignorance and Bas Cuisine has a visceral appeal to many.
In another move, the party severed ties with its founder, Jean-Marie Le Pen, by eliminating his honourary position of President for Life. How did he respond to this little bit of patricide?
"I couldn't be prouder of Marine," Le Pen snuffled, wiping a tear from his eye and punching the owner of a jerk chicken cart who happened to be passing.
SOURCE: The Smarmian
[http://www.thesmarmian.com/world/2018/mar/09/poison-le-pen]
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Da Da Duuuuuuuuhhhhhh!
10pm. ScyFy. The Twilight Zone. The President of China gets his rubber-stamp legislature to change the country's constitution to allow him to rule for life, incorporating much of his personal philosophy into its text. Then, the aliens invade.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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And, For Regulators, Put On A Good Show
Getting a Bad RapSOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/775.html]
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Bunny You Should Say That
A court has ruled that a devoutly Christian couple was within its rights not to promote the Easter Bunny to two children under their care. The Ontario Superior Court stated that the local Children's Aid Society should not have removed the children from the couple's care for that reason.
"You think the disbelief of a coupla rubes from some third rate jerkwad country's gonna cause me any problems?" stated the Eastern Bunny, taking the cigar out of his mouth long enough to spit into a nearby garbage can. "Puh-lease! I've had my own TV special, and I got a three picture deal at Fox! It don't get any realer than that, pal!"
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2018/03/12/easterihardlyknewher180312]
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