by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Writer
The unthinkable [has/has not] happened: Britain has - hold on, since I am able to write about it means that somebody must have been able to think about it - if not, this article would have been the opening line and a couple of blank pages where the text would have been if the subject had been thinka - you know what? I think I need to rethink my lede...
In a decision that went back and forth for many months, Britain [has/has not] decided to cut off its nose, a move that some journalists refer to as the "Britcut." The world [breathed a sigh of relief/let out a strangled cry of frustration], then wondered for the 317th time why such a handsome nation would [come so close to/run at full speed off a cliff towards] such devastating disfigurement.
The proposed nostrilectomy [will have to be done/would have had to have been done] in stages over a period of two years, resulting in a large bandage covering up the damage to a prominent spot on Britain's face. But, even when the bandage [would have/will] come off, the swelling [would have/will have] gone down and the black bags around the eyes [would have/will have] largely faded (as much as they ever [would/will]), the question of how Britain [would/will] detect odours [would have remained/will remain].
"I strongly advised Britain not to cut off its nose," Canada, Britain's step-child, commented. "I told it in no uncertain terms that I would not be caught dead in public with the old country if it went through with the self-mutilation. [Phew is all I can say. Phew phew phew phew phew!/Argh is all I can say. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!]"
"With chichi designer bandages," France stated, "Britain [might have been/might be] able to pull the noseless look off. But, sacre merde, remember who I am talking about - Britain! Its bandages [would have been/will be] hideous! So, no."
"It was always just a really, really, really, really, really dumb idea," said Slovakia. "I mean, why would anybody want to cut off their own nose?"
The side of Britain's brain that wanted to cut off its nose argued that the appendage was constantly bombarding it with unpleasant sensory inputs (smells such as sweaty socks, diesel exhaust fumes and Slovakians) that it did not want. That part of Britain suggested that once the nose was removed, blood that had been going to it would be able to flow freely to the rest of the face.
"Nonsense!" the other side of Britain's brain responded. For one thing, the amount of blood flowing to the nose had been greatly exaggerated by Britcut advocates. For another thing, pro-Britcut propaganda downplayed the benefits of having a fully functioning nose: the smell of roses, for example, or steak and kidney pie cooling in the window on your mother's back porch, or...or...or other things that smell nice.
What neither side was willing to acknowledge was the racism implied (when it wasn't openly embraced) by the pro-Britcut side of the debate. That side of Britain's brain never tired of stating that, over time, Britain's nose had become flatter, its skin darker than the skin surrounding it. In short, the nose had become less British. And, if something wasn't done about it, it could infect the country's whole face!
"It's become an ugly nose that I don't recognize any more," Britain stated. "My future romantic life will be so much better when it's gone!"
Now that the decision [to cut/not to cut] has been made, other parts of Britain's face will have to be dealt with. Its left ear, for example, almost undoubtedly [would have wanted/will want] to be cut off, and its left eye [would have leaned/is leaning] in the direction of being removed. By the end of the process, Britain [could have looked/will look] like a creature out of a John Carpenter film!
What other consequences may arise because of the decision? In the short term, the part of Britain's brain that masterminded the Britcut [would have had/will have] to resign all executive function effective immediately. In the long term, radical factions in other country's brains [could have been/will be] emboldened to convince a majority of their minds to cut off their foreign-looking noses.
The Britcut debate has divided the country's thinking in a way that no personal grooming decision has since the proper hair length schism of the 1960s. (Which, admittedly, was felt most keenly by France, which set fire to its own hair, so perhaps we shouldn't be quite so smug writing this piece as we are). To get over the trauma, Britain may require years of counselling!