by NANCY GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH, Alternate Reality News Service Technology Writer
In the first stage, you feel tired all the time, as if you were in a sitcom where a baby woke you up every couple of hours through the night, even though you don't like Ray Romano. In the second stage, you're easily confused; you may wonder, for example, why people keep asking you questions just because you're the boss. This is followed by a stage where you are having delusions, such as that you're the boss, so why aren't people asking you more questions?
And, then, you die. And, not a fortune cookie death, either.
Only, death isn't quite the end of it. Among your effects, there will be a wristwatch that can be heard crying, "Feeeeed meeeee!" in a baritone so deep people who heard the plaint would expect it to break out in song at any second. It may take several days for this voice to peter out.
This wasn't just any watch. It was a Cartier-MacFederpfeffen, featuring a relatively new technology that has been dubbed "vampireware" by excited followers of Anne Rice.
The watch runs on energy supplied by the person wearing it: it pricks the victim's - sorry, wearer's skin and skims electrical impulses from the person's nerve endings. "Don't you hate it when your watch has to be rewound, or the battery runs out, and you're late for your imaginary child's ersatz soccer practice?" explained Watch Where You're Going Ltd. founder Stan Cartier. "Then your made-up spouse gives you a lecture about being a bad parent and you feel guilty for the rest of the day. How easily this problem could be avoided if your watch ran on you power - then, it would run for as long as you do!"
Which, given the rash of recent deaths (for which the application of no amount of topical cream will make better), may not be that long. Not that long at all.
"Umm, yeah," Cartier looked like he was hoping his make believe wife would call and remind him to bring home some vegan eggs and soy milk. "I blame Franz for that."
The problem with the first version of the watch was that it couldn't store energy efficiently, so it frequently ran out. Like when a person took it off to go to sleep. Or, to take a shower. Or, to slowly, lovingly lick the fine leather strap. "That tended to undermine the whole rationale for the watch in the first place," company co-founder Franz MacFederpfeffen pointed out. His solution was to build into the watch the ability to send microwave energy to a storage facility that it could call upon when needed.
Which, given the rasher of recent deaths (because everything goes better with bacon), seems like a bad idea.
"Oh, it was a great idea," MacFederpfeffen uncomfortably argued; it was like he was hoping Cartier would buzz him on the office intercom to complain about the pressure his nagging unreal mate was putting on him. "It was just...messed up by Hans."
Hans Plattz was the chief software engineer for the company. He wrote the artificial intelligence programme that regulated when the watch gathered energy from its wearer and how much energy it took. "There had to be some kind of regulating mechanism," Plattz insisted. "Otherwise, the watch would just suck people dry until...umm..."
Before I could mention the recent deaths, Plattz hurriedly said, "IblameFlorian!"
Florian Debesque was the company's head of marketing. He insisted that the watch's AI contain a personality chip to make it more attractive to potential customers. "Anybody can make a watch that you look at," Debesque claimed. "But, a watch that interacts with you - that is a killer selling point!"
The problem was that the watch's two AIs interacted in a way that, in a human being, could be described as "psychopathic:" while it was charming its wearers, the watch was draining them of energy to ensure its own supply. "Yeah, nobody was expecting that," Debesque allowed. Then, brightening, he added: "Still, our customers were happy while they were alive!"
California Attorney-General Randy Pelican is considering laying murder charges, but isn't sure where responsibility for the deaths - 127 in the last three days in his state alone - lies. None of the creators of the watch could have foreseen what their individual decisions would have led to. On the other hand, if the watches don't find a new owner within a week of their old owner's death, they die. A week is not long enough for a proper trial, even in California.
State Senator Moira McGoo has floated the idea that watches that have been charged (she has a nasty sense of humour) with murder be worn by a succession of Death Row inmates, thus solving two problems at once.
"I don't think that would stand up to a legal challenge," Pelican stated. "It may not be cruel, but it certainly is unusual!"
Sales of vampirewear (yes, it's called that, too) watches have nearly doubled since news of the deaths first broke. Anecdotal evidence suggests that this is primarily due to women buying the devices for their imaginary spouses.