by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Yesterday, Patrick Henry gave a rousing speech in favour of American independence at a convention of legislators in Virginia. His phrase, "Give me liberty, or give me death!" is sure to be a favourite of t-shirt vendors and LOLcat creators for years to come.
Reaction was as swift as it was brutal.
"than how cum u r not dead yet?" tweeted @theothergeorgewashington moments after Henry completed his speech to awed silence in St. John's Church.
"freedom's just another wurd 4 noone has more booze," tweeted @britlover127.
"LOL patrick yur flie's undone!" tweeted @ttax4ever. "stupid secessionist!"
"There is no question that those who were in the hall in Richmond and heard the speech were deeply moved by it," stated Henry biographer William Wirt. "Unfortunately, most of the population of the American colonies could not be in attendance, and, as such, their opinions were hostages to the fickle whims of social media."
"Patrick Henry gave the most rousing speech it has been my honour to attend," @therealgeorgewashington attempted to defend his colleague on Twitter.
"Aww, why don't u 2 get a room?" @britlover127 immediately responded.
"Nice teeth, George," tweeted @rebelyelp. "teh tree you were eating fight back?"
"gak! i wouldnt do Martha blindfolded! #buttuglybrit" tweeted @benniearnold27.
"How does this further the cause of civil discourse?" @therealgeorgewashington responded to the deluge of criticism of his defense of Henry's speech.
The subsequent avalanche of mockery given to this message can best be summed up by @stampoutyankeetraitors' response, "civil discourse? What moron thought Twitter was a place for civil discourse? LOL pwned u"
"Although it has yet to be proved," Wirt pontificated (literally: spoke like the Pope), "it is widely believed that British Prime Minister Lord North offered a substantial sum of moneys to social media users in the colonies to undermine the independence effort. In that, sadly, he may well be successful beyond his wildest -"
"Hey! History Boy!" @britlover127 interrupted. "You think a million Brit loyalists were all paid by teh PM?"
"Well, no, of course not," Wirt defensively defended himself. "The point is that, within hours, thanks to the online campaign against Henry, 97 per cent of colonists thought him to be a raving loony who had said, ‘Give me libations, or give me herring!' Where could they have possibly gotten that idea, I have to wonder?"
"So, you're saying the colonists are idiots who cannot make up their own minds about anything?" @britlover127 argued.
"No, I - what? Don't put words in my mouth!" Wirt took a handkerchief out of the breast pocket of his jacket and wiped his sweating forehead with it. "I'm saying that the response to Patrick Henry's speech would likely have been very different if the British hadn't mobilized social media to trash him and everybody associated with -"
"Pfft!" @britlover127 concluded. "You're one of those Internet trolls. Consider yourself unfollowed!"
"I - wait - what? No - you - erm - aaaarrrrgh!" Wirt replied, although it is doubtful that @britlover127 was listening.
The Virginia legislature, hoping to distance itself from such a controversial figure as Patrick Henry, decided to not send troops to support the cause of American independence. This may turn the tide of the war in favour of the Bri -"
"Hey, thanks for the boost, but I don't have that kind of power," @britlover127 interrupted.
You on your own, obviously not. However, it is estimated that between 367 and 1,898 anti-independence social media posters were mobilized by the British between in 1774. A snap poll this afternoon shows that 87 per cent of colonists are reconsidering the move to independence that a poll taken last month showed 93 per cent favouring.
"Yeah, yeah," @britlover127 argued. "Nice try, but independence failed because it was led by morons and traitors! 1/2"
That is a harsh assessment of some very -
"People saw that their interests lay in remaining allied to Britain and rejected all other feeble-minded arguments! 2/2" @britlover127 insisted.
People were led to that conclusion by lies and character assassinations that were magnified in the echo chamber of social media. Who knows what they might have decided if -
"I've had enough of this," @britlover127 stated with finality. "Your another troll. I'm unfollowing you immediately!"
This is a newspaper article, not Twitter. You can't unfollow a newspaper article.