Ask the Tech Answer Guy To Check Your White Male Privilege in the Mail

Yo, Tech Answer Guy,

Where is my white male privilege? I'm white. I'm male. I was promised white male privilege, but I've never seen it a day in my life!

Yo, Ingie,

Have you checked the pockets of your pants? I find that sometimes my white male privilege has fallen behind keys or my wallet.

I don't think I - what?

Yo, Ings,

Just messin' with ya, bro. Before I can answer your question, I need a bit more information. To Witt (that would be Joyce de: Mrs. The Tech Answer Guy has made me watch Three's Company so often that I'm now a major fan): are you heterosexual?

Oh, yeah, totally, henh henh henh. Probably should have mentioned that. So, where's my white heterosexual male privilege?

Yo, Mar,

Another question: do you live on Earth Prime 7-3-0-9-0-3 dash zeta? Because, if you do, you should have a WHIM (White Heterosexual Identifier, and Male) Card. Simply flash that in a job interview, and you will be hired before men of colour and women. The WHIM Card is also good for getting you into exclusive clubs. Oh, and, if you find yourself in a meeting where stupid people who are not white, heterosexual and male insist upon making their stupid points at stupid length, simply get the attention of the person chairing the meeting and flash your WHIM Card; you will find that you will be sharing your brilliance with the room much more frequently after that.

WHIM Cards are usually issued at birth, based on DNA samples taken from you when you were still a fetus; official notice of your acceptance into the WHIM Programme is usually enough to get you the best incubator available in the hospital nursery. Hospitals are supposed to treat all patients equally, but, well, you know how it is…

Sometimes, people who are eligible for WHIM Cards do not have one. This can happen because two babies are mixed up in the hospital, the record of your eligibility was lost when an Electro-Magnetic Pulse destroyed the computer it was stored on, and yours was the only record that hadn't been backed up, or less plausible reasons. In this case, you will need to fill out a purple Privilege Acquisition Request form (official designation: U238-r2d2-YIKES!). As part of the process, you will have to supply the Ministry of Unearned Prerogatives with a blood sample for DNA testing and at least three attestations of white heterosexual maleness affidavits (acceptable groups of people to write them include: ex-wives, girlfriends and female prostitutes).

Some people keep their WHIM Cards in their wallets for ease of everyday use. Others keep their Cards and all of the supporting documentation in safety deposit boxes at their local bank, to be retrieved in emergencies (ie: stock market crashes, fraud investigations, competition for a good table in a chichi restaurant). However you use it, you want to take special care not to lose your WHIM Card, for reasons which should be painfully obvious.

How can I tell if I live on Earth Prime 7-3-0-9-0-3 dash zeta? And, if I don't, what then?

Yo, Ing…em…,

The number of your home universe is tattooed on the back of your head at birth. You should be able to see it in a mirror.

I shaved all my hair so I could see the home universe number on the back of my head. But, there's nothing there. Could it have faded since I was born?

Yo, I I,

Man, you are so much fun to mess with! Fortunately, your hair will grow back. (Unless you live on Earth Prime 4-3-0-2-3-8 dash omicron, in which case you'll need painful and expensive plugs. Sorry about that.) If you don't know what universe you live in, contact your local branch of the Transdimensional Authority; they should get back to you within three to six months. Sorry, but if you don't have a WHIM Card, you're just not a priority for them!

As for not living on Earth Prime 7-3-0-9-0-3 dash zeta, well, you still have white, male, heterosexual privilege, but it's not as evenly distributed. Sorry about your luck. Speaking of which: don't bother trying to immigrate to Earth Prime 7-3-0-9-0-3 dash zeta: the waiting list is over 1,000 years long!

The Tech Answer Guy

If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Just remember: I was just messin' with ya about the hair plugs on Earth Prime 4-3-0-2-3-8 dash omicron - they are painful, but they're not that expensive!